Category: Humor

Ben Affleck, You Ignorant Slut!

affleckI’ll freely admit that ever since Argo, Ben Affleck has been off my Christmas card list.  Quite frankly, if you’re going to rewrite history, (“lie” is such a harsh word)  it’s indecent to make millions doing it.  Nor should you stand up before God and everybody and accept an Academy Award for your sins — that’s just straight chutzpah.

To be fair, in the early days, Ben did some good work, notably Dogma and Good Will Hunting.  However, take a peek at who’s standing right beside him — Matt Damon.  On his own, Affleck is noticeably underwhelming in Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor, Daredevil and a cornucopia of other forgettables.  (I’m not going to even mention Gigli; that would be hitting below the belt.)  And this guy is a Hollywood mover and shaker?  Puh leeze!

So what’s Mr. Affleck  been up to lately?  Nothing less than strong arming PBS to whitewash his family history.  According to Finding Your Roots, Ben’s great-great-great grandfather was a slave owner before the Civil War.  Like it or not, a lot of Southerners were.  Apparently, Ben didn’t like it.  He thought it would be bad for his image to be that closely associated with racism.  He also thought it would be a good idea if PBS touched-up his roots before they broadcast the story; a kind of intellectual Photoshop for the Affleck family archives.  PBS complied, and the rest is history.  Well, not really… it’s kinda History According to Affleck.

It should be noted that Finding Your Roots has found slave owners swimming in other celebrity gene pools with no ill effects.  After all, it was more than 150 years ago — styles do change.

But look at the out-and-out arrogance of the guy!  He felt it was necessary to take his holier-than-thou attitude back five generations!  How much more self-righteous can you get?  And the size of his ego?  OMG!  Minor statistics from a census taken in the 19th century — and, of course, that’s a direct reflection on MMMEEEEE!  I think Mr. Affleck has forgotten he’s just a movie star (“actor” is such a talented word.)  He believes he’s some sort of handsome Dalai Lama (pure to the last incarnation — himself) who must use his rugged good looks to spread compassion and justice throughout the land.  Either that, or he’s let this Batman thing get out of hand.

Ben, there was this guy called Copernicus, and he’s got proof you’re not the centre of the universe.  Get over yourself!

Jerks & A**holes

jerksThere are three kinds of people in the world: regular folks, (that would be us) jerks and assholes.  We all recognize jerks and assholes.  They’re those people whose decision-making and social behaviour ruins the quality of life for everyone around them.  Yet they haven’t got a clue just how annoying they are.  They can be the girl on the bus, the guy behind the counter, a neighbour, even a friend — but these days, they’re everywhere.

At first glance, jerks and assholes might look and act in a similar manner; however, they are two different species.  Here’s a quick guide to help you sort them out.  (Although I have used the masculine pronoun throughout, there are an equal number of male and female jerks and assholes.  In fact, jerks and assholes practice 100% gender equality.)

At a restaurant, a jerk always leaves a miniscule tip.
An asshole always brags about the size of the tip he left, and then bitches about the service — after he’s left the restaurant.

A jerk will answer texts while he’s talking to you.
An asshole will stop you in mid sentence to show you the text.

A jerk doesn’t care what you think of him.
An asshole believes you think about him all the time.

A jerk will loudly explain why he’s an atheist to any Christian who crosses his path.
An asshole wants to discuss the Vatican’s position on pedophilia with your great aunt’s friend, retired Father Donnelly, aged 82.

At a coffee shop, a jerk asks any number of stupid questions but always ends up ordering a regular coffee.
An asshole will ask for some ingredient nobody’s ever heard of, be surprised that nobody’s ever heard of it, explain its significance to the  barista and end up ordering a regular coffee.  Then, after it’s poured he remembers he wanted decaf.

A jerk never cleans up after his dog.
An asshole scoops poop but leaves the bag under a tree.

At lunch, a jerk is constantly checking his phone.
An asshole has extended conversations.

A jerk laughs at his own jokes.
An asshole never laughs at anybody’s jokes.

A jerk is always late.
An asshole is always late.

You’re always nervous introducing your jerky friend to everybody.
You try to avoid introducing your asshole friend to anybody.

Ever Wonder Why?

WhyUnless you’re four years old, Seth Rogen or the Big Lebowski, you don’t have a lot of time to lie around the house and wonder why.  Adults, who aren’t permanently affixed to 4/20 self medication, learn to take a few things on faith.  After all, “why?” is a pretty open-ended question and much if it, without herbal encouragement, isn’t worth the trouble.  For example, I don’t know why there are 8,000 different kinds of pasta, and, honestly, I don’t care.  I’m sure somebody knows the difference between linguini, fettuccini and all of other “inis,” out there, but it ain’t me.  However, there are times when our inner child does escape on a Friday morning and, over a second cup of coffee just wonders why.

During automobile commercials, when the car speeds up, why are the wheels turning the wrong way?  I’m no fan of physics, but that’s impossible.

The Ancient Greeks believed in a pantheon of gods who lived on Mount Olympus.  Mount Olympus is only 3,000 metres high.  Why didn’t somebody just climb the mountain and look?

When anti-religious people get upset about religious symbols like burkas and crucifixes, why doesn’t anybody ever mention yoga pants?  Honestly, we should do something about yoga pants.

And why does this work?

paradox

Every year, charities spend thousands and thousands of dollars making television commercials to solicit donations.  Why don’t they take the big money they’re spending on film crews, transportation, actors, actresses and TV time and just give it to the people they’re trying to help?

Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?

In Lord Of The Rings, instead of walking all over Middle Earth trying to get to Mordor, why didn’t Gandalf just get the eagles to fly Frodo directly to Mount Doom?  He throws the Ring into the volcano: Sauron’s history.  Mission accomplished!

And finally, if Darwin’s Theory of Evolution is correct and there is natural selection, then why, after 50,000 years of human history, are there still so many stupid people kicking around?