Pearl Harbor — Outside The History Books

pearl-harbor

I love history.  It reads like a bad novel.  History has so many oddities, improbabilities and strange coincidences that, if you didn’t know it was true, you’d think it was all fake.  For example, today is the 77th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.  (FYI: you can’t just say “Pearl Harbor” anymore; nobody knows what you’re talking about.)  Whatever you call it though, aside from the American nuclear attack on Hiroshima three and a half years later, Pearl Harbor was the most important event in the 20th century.  It turned a European civil war into World War II, ended the worst economic depression in history and catapulted smalltown Americans onto the global stage – a role they’ve never been comfortable with.  That’s the thing about history though it’s full of unintended consequences that very few people see at the time.  I doubt very much if many Americans — even today — realize that the attack on Pearl Harbor was not the opening salvo in a carefully orchestrated Japanese plan to dominate the Pacific.  In fact, I think they’d be surprised to learn that, in general, the Japanese didn’t even want to go to war with the US (they were much more interested in Britain) and the devastating attack on Pearl Harbor was actually the direct result of a half-forgotten battle near the nowhere village of Nomonhan stuck somewhere on the Mongolian border.

Depending on how much time you’ve got, you can trace what Franklin Roosevelt called “December 7th, a day that will live in infamy” all the way back to a cold night in 1930, when a couple of Japanese colonels, stationed in Kwantung, China , got into the sake and hatched a plot to invade Manchuria.  Ishawara Kanji and Itagaki Seishiro, the particular colonels, knew what every person in Japan knows to this day.  Japan is a small bunch of islands that can hardly feed itself.  It has no natural resources, and unless it dominates international trade, it will always be at the mercy of every bullyboy with an attitude who happens to stroll by.  Remember, it was the American, Commodore Perry who dramatically pointed this out in 1853, when he sailed into Tokyo Bay, pointed his cannons  at anyone who poked their head up, and suggested the Japanese sign a treaty he just happened to have lying around the quarterdeck.  Anyway, Ishawara and Itagaki got to talking and decided that Japan needed a dependable source of raw materials (which, by coincidence, was going begging just across the border in Manchuria.)  They came up with a cunning plan, and on September 18th, 1931 manufactured an “incident” with China that sent Imperial Japanese troops across the border.  The Pacific Ocean, Pearl Harbor and America were never on the agenda.

In the 1930s, Japanese politics was so complicated it’s almost impossible to understand.  For example, the Japanese Emperor, Hirohito, who, as a living god, commanded absolute obedience from every Japanese citizen, never actually issued any orders just in case they weren’t obeyed.  However, in a nutshell, there were two political factions: the army (who saw the future intimately tied to mainland Asia) and the navy (who wanted a crack at the European imperial powers, Britain, France and the Netherlands.)  For most of the decade, the army dominated the government in Tokyo.  They saw China falling apart at the seams and figured with a few armoured divisions, some airplanes, and maybe a little poison gas here and there, they could take advantage of the situation.  China would become a Japanese province with a vast pool of subservient labour and a ready market for Japanese goods.  They also saw the resources of Manchuria dwarfed by the almost limitless expanse of Soviet Russia, which (once again) was now just across the border.  Plus, Japan, with Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy, was a member of the Anti-Comintern (anti-communist) Pact.  They saw the Soviets as their natural enemies.  Besides, quite a few senior army officers had been young soldiers when Japan slapped the snot out of Russia back in 1905.  They didn’t see any problem with pointing their tanks north again.  It was quick and easy and handy to the homeland.

In 1932, Japanese troops reached the border between Manchuria and Soviet Mongolia.  The well trained victorious Kwantung army didn’t really see any need to slam on the brakes when their natural enemy, the Soviet Union was just an imaginary line away from getting its ass kicked a second time.  Over the next seven years, there were hundreds of very bloody “incidents” in the undeclared border war.  These “incidents” escalated over time until 1939, when a bunch of Japanese officers (again, without permission from Tokyo) decided to get serious and see just how tough these Soviets were.  They sent a couple of divisions to occupy the disputed territory.

The battle of Khalkhin Gol went back and forth for a couple of months.  However, times were changing for the Soviet Union.  They were in the middle of negotiating a non-aggression pact with Nazi Germany, which they signed in August, 1939.  This gave them the freedom to send a lot of soldiers and armour — that weren’t going to be needed against Germany in Europe — to the Far East to settle scores with Japan.  They were commanded by General Zhukov (the guy who would go on to defend Stalingrad in 1942 and take the Nazi surrender in Berlin in 1945.)  He massed over 50,000 Soviet troops, complete with tanks and airplanes, in an offensive assault in August.  He encircled the Japanese forces, at a village called Nomonhan, and when they wouldn’t surrender, destroyed them.  It was a humiliating defeat and it broke the back of the army’s independent power in Tokyo.  The way north was now blocked by a resurgent enemy, the Soviet Union and a back-stabbing ally, the Germans.  It was the navy’s turn to run the show.

Japan still needed raw materials, and the only other place to get them was in southern Asia where the Europeans, preoccupied by their own war in Europe, were hanging on to their colonies by prestige alone.  There was rubber in British Malaysia and oil and gas in Indonesia (the Dutch East Indies.)   The problem was, in the ocean, directly between Japan and Jakarta, was The Philippines, an American colony.   Japan could not run the risk of having their military cut off from the homeland by a belligerent American navy, possibly based in the Philippines.  They needed to neutralize American sea power in the Pacific before they could go after the resources of the crumbling European empires.  And where was the America Pacific fleet?  Pearl Harbor!

And the rest, as they say, is history.

 

Originally written in 2011

Why DID The Chicken Cross The Road?

chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road?  Our time is so terminally serious that a lot of people think this is a real question, and more importantly, an opportunity to jump on their soapbox and give the world the benefit of their answer.  Here are just a few examples.

Will this be on the exam?
University freshman

To die in a ditch – alone.
University sophomore

I know why, but you wouldn’t understand.
University senior

I’m up to my ass in student loans: I don’t care.
University graduate

Chickens are running for their lives since the Trump administration announced it would be adding chicken soup to the White House cafeteria lunch menu.
CNN

To sell its eggs on our side of the road and destroy the American poultry industry.
Fox News

This is what happens to British agriculture when a bunch of uneducated yobs vote for Brexit.
BBC

I think we better take a look at the slo-mo video review of that– to make sure the chicken actually did get across the road.
ESPN Sports

Chicken on the road!  You won’t believe the “shocking” video!
Huffington Post

That question will be answered in a 10-part original series — with Jennifer Lawrence as Chicken Little and Alec Baldwin as the Cock of the Walk.
Netflix

We don’t care why, but we will accept one million chickens who are fleeing their side of the road.
Angela Merkel

We are not racist, but we’re glad the chickens are going back to their own side of the road.
Madame Marine Le Pen

On behalf of all Canadians, we apologize for our ancestors who built a road that the chicken was forced to cross.
Justin Trudeau

To try and escape from our awesome nuclear arsenal.  But there is no escape, and I will rain fire down on any chicken who dares challenge my supreme power.
Kim Jong-un

I have no knowledge of this chicken.  It wasn’t a Russian chicken, and anyone who says it was — is misinformed.
Vladimir Putin

He didn’t!  Fake news!  Not funny!
Donald Trump

Colonel Sanders is sexist.
Serena Williams

I’m smarter than that chicken.
Kanye West

I walk down the middle of the road.
Taylor Swift

We must end our dependence on fossil fuels, and then there would be no need for roads, chickens would run free, and families could just gather the eggs for food.
Environmentalist

Did you know that millions of chickens are suffering and never get the chance to cross a road?
PETA

One percent of the world’s population controls 90% of the chickens and 80% of the roads.  That’s not fair.
Activist

I’d like to live in a world where chickens can cross roads without everyone questioning their motivation.
Facebook activist

Chickens have just as much right to cross the road as roosters do.
20th Century feminist

What’s your problem with an empowered female following her passion in a rooster-dominated society?
21st Century feminist

But my favourite is

Wow!  Wouldn’t it be weird to have feathers and shit, and like we could fly everywhere, and instead of having babies, we could just like lay eggs?  Cool!
Over-enthusiastic Cannabis User

 

Summer News

newspaper

In these last couple of days before the summer sun bakes us all into human pudding and the news media runs off and hides on their annual two-month vacation, there is still news – and most of it is pretty cool.

1 — The women of Saudi Arabia can drive.  The last bastion of motor vehicle misogyny has fallen, and the women of King Salman’s private sandbox can legally drive cars!  Unfortunately, Saudi Arabia actually is a giant sandbox and, aside from dropping their burkas off at the drycleaners, there’s really no place for the girls to go.  (Sand Dune #68 isn’t that big an attraction.)  Still, I imagine going through the drive-thru at Wendy’s is a big deal to someone who’s spent most of her life hanging out in a harem.

2 — That Canadian guy Jordan Peterson is suing Sir Wilfred Laurier University.  Apparently he’s pissed off because a couple of their “open-minded” academics compared him to Adolf Hitler.  Peterson’s contention is that Hitler ordered the murder of six million Jews; whereas all he (Peterson) did was say the gender neutral pronoun “ze” was bullshit and that is not strictly a crime against humanity.  Meanwhile, the university maintains that politically-correct fascists always compare people who disagree with them to Hitler, and Peterson should quit being such an over-sensitive Alt-right snowflake.  (Man! I wish Judge Judy could get hold of this one!)

3 — The super-duper poster boy for gender equality, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, just got hit with the hypocrite stick.  Apparently, before Mr. Trudeau got in touch with his feminine side (and a pile of female votes) he spent some time touching a female reporter who wasn’t too happy about his little game of grab-ass — and said so.  Trudeau’s actual response was, “I’m sorry.  If I had known you were reporting for a national paper, I never would have been so forward.”  Interesting distinction on who is available for groping.  However, don’t expect this awkward incident to storm through Twitter any time soon; we all know that social media is very careful about who they tar and feather. (I’m looking at you, Bill Clinton!)

But on the other hand:

4 — The cultural cleansing of America continues.  Laura Ingalls Wilder, the woman who wrote Little House on the Prairie, has been dumped by the US Association for Library Service to Children (ALSC.)  According to that illustrious body, Wilder’s books contain “anti-Native and anti-Black sentiments.”  Wow!  It must have come as a hell of a shock to those nitwits that something published in 1932 didn’t reflect the values of the 21st century!

My chief worry about this is that, at some point in the not-so-distant future, all the books published before 1980 are going to be gathered up and given the Fahrenheit 451 treatment – including, ironically, Fahrenheit 451.