Category: Social Media

Platitudes!

preachingNot that long ago, Social Media was being called the greatest gift to democracy since Jefferson.  How the mighty have fallen!  The problem is a) you don’t have to take an IQ test to own a computer and b) statistically, half the people who have computers would fail it if there was one.  The result is Social Media is over-populated by people on the bottom end of the “I’m-just-as-smart-as-you-are” scale, and the rest of us can’t disagree with them because that’s some kind of brain-shaming or something.  Meanwhile, these (for want of a better term) stupid people have reduced the conversation to the lowest common denominator which includes bashing everybody over the head with industrial-strength platitudes.  And, unfortunately, unlike cute cat videos, attaching deep meaning to meaningless clichés digs a deeper hole in the cyber-stupid and that just makes it harder and harder for any of us to get out.  Let me show you what I mean.

Bravery has many forms – No doubt — but not all bravery is created equal.  Somehow, we’ve forgotten that there’s a big difference between running into a burning building to save grandma and finally getting up enough courage to tell grandma we’re gay.  They’re not the same thing, and every time we equate the two, we devalue what courage really means.

Face Your Fears – I’m afraid of grizzly bears and I’m pretty sure that going mano a mano with a large North American land mammal is going to end badly– regardless of my personal growth.  Facing your fears only works when your fears can’t rip your face off.

People Can Surprise You – This isn’t always a good thing.  Like it or not, life dictates that we’re all going to accumulate more than a few substantial scars from getting stabbed in the back by people who’ve – uh — surprised us.

You Can Do Anything If You Try – This is why so many people think they’re creative, don’t want to do the grunt work and spend their entire lives pissed off with the world when they discover they have to.

Money Isn’t Everything – I’m not even going to grace this stupidity with an answer.

It’s Okay To Ask For Help – Yeah, but don’t be shocked out of your socks when you don’t get it.  Don’t believe me?  Ask your friends to help you move!

Don’t Give In To Hate – Folks, life isn’t a Star Wars trilogy!  There is no Dark Side that will suck you in and corrupt your soul.  I hate people who litter, and I don’t care what their motivation is.  Honestly, if it’s morally reprehensible, what’s wrong with a little hate?

And finally:

Be Yourself – These days, everybody’s so wrapped up in being themselves they’ve totally forgotten that there are 8 billion other people on this planet.

I’m Losing My Patience

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As I get older (notice I didn’t say old) I find that the thread of my patience grows thin.  There’s a ton of stuff I just walk away from.  It’s not that these things make me angry – they don’t – they’re just vaguely annoying — like some asshole blasting his music through a quiet summer night.  (More about that later.)  The truth is there are whole sections of contemporary life that make me feel like an old dog who doesn’t quite get the point of fetching the stick anymore.  I’ve got nothing against the stick or the girl who throws it — I just don’t see the purpose.  Anyway, here are a few things that don’t actually make sense to me – uh – just because.

Bucket Lists – I’m really sorry you didn’t have the stones to bungee jump when you were 23, but challenging gravity to a duel at 72 isn’t a) all that smart and b) of any concern to anybody but your beneficiaries.

Talking about Trump – Folks, there are only so many different ways you can call somebody a jerk.  I get it, okay?  The guy’s Adolf Hitler’s evil grandson.  Give it a rest!

TV programs that keep going sideways – Get on with it, for God’s sake!  I’m looking at you, Game of Thrones.

British accents in television commercials – It’s an indisputable fact that, in North America, you can sell dirt to farmers if you dress it up in an English accent.  But why do they all sound like someone from Dorset, trying to dislodge a corn cob – from their nose?

Hate Crimes – For the life of me, I can’t understand why beating somebody over the head with a rake because you hate them is somehow legally, morally and physically worse than the simple act of beating somebody over the head with a rake.

Age is just a number – The only people who spout this kind of nonsense have very low numbers.

Road Rage – Actually, I’ve never been able to figure out how shouting, beeping the horn and offering other drivers the finger can possibly enhance the quality of anybody’s journey.

Long-winded stories about tacky tattoos – This one speaks for itself.

Standing in Line – There isn’t one thing on this planet worth waiting in line for– with the possible exception of the resurrection of Elvis.  And even then, I’d have to think about it.

And just one more:

Gratuitous Noise – To me, loud stereos, overpowered motorcycles, missing mufflers and public arguments all boil down to the same thing: too bad about your penis, buddy!

YouTube – A History Lesson

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In the future, when archeologists mine our computer data, they will eventually run across YouTube and when they do, they’re going to come to some interesting conclusions about life in the early 21st century.  Here are just a few examples.  (In no particular order.)

Half of all Russian drivers had dash cameras and the other half were drunk.

The tattoo industry was basically illiterate.

Our society was obsessed with puppies, kittens and fat people falling over.

Stairs were dangerous, trampolines were dangerous but the most dangerous thing of all were stripper poles.

It was common practice to scare the crap out of people – friends, neighbours, total strangers.

Construction workers were idiots.

Every man on the planet was nailed in the crotch by a ball, a bat, a rock, a pole, a stick, a croquet mallet, a hot beverage, a flying piece of fruit or some other heavy item — at least once.

The number of skateboarders who attempted suicide was astronomical.

Grown men spent their lives looking for mistakes in movies.

Taylor Swift was part of the problem.

Kanye West had only one song.

Millions of people spent millions of hours watching men doing various activities with a variety of balls.

No one could get through an entire day without mentioning Trump.

People made all sorts of things out of used plastic bottles and old toilet rolls – but they were totally useless and looked like they were made out of used plastic bottles and old toilet rolls.

Western religion was based on celebrities and babies.

Bikinis made women stupid.  Men started out that way.

People worried about zombies a lot more than they did nutrition.

Accidents, catastrophes and natural disasters were spectator sports.

Marriage proposals were publicly staged and elaborately planned.

Wedding, yearbook and family photos were objects of ridicule.

But actually:

Despite all their research, future archeologists are never going to be able to figure out who was filming all this stuff or why.