Category: Society

Food Heretics!

kitkatFor centuries, burning heretics at the stake was a perfectly acceptable practice.  Unfortunately, in recent history (400 years or so) it has fallen out of favour.  Too bad!  I think we should resurrect this little community activity, and get rid of one of the most undesirable members of our society – the food heretic.  These are people who cause anguish and consternation among all good and decent people by refusing to follow accepted gastronomic doctrine.  Here are a few examples:

Ketchup on eggs – Mother Nature has provided her children with the perfect food.  In fact, except for that pesky cholesterol (the bogeyman of the 21st century) eggs have all the nutrients humans need to survive – and they taste good.   So why would anyone drown them in faux pas tomato sauce?  Ketchup is for fries only – FRIES ONLY!  Besides, ketchup on eggs looks totally gross – like somebody just murdered a canary.

Opening snacks from the bottom of the bag/box – There are people (I’ve known a few) who don’t give a damn which end of the package they open.  It’s as if they don’t understand that top is always above bottom.  This is a law of physics as well as linguistics.  For God’s sake!  The writing on the package is upside down.  UPSIDE DOWN!  How can you even enjoy your snack, ya damn hoodlum?

Cutting pizza into squares – Since the days of Romulus and Remus, pizza has been cut into triangles.  TRIANGLES!  Okay, if you’re in Italy, you can eat your pizza with a knife and fork (When in Rome, etc, etc.) but everywhere else in the world, circles are cut into triangles so everyone gets an equal share.  This is a basic rule of geometry.  Sometimes I wonder how we ever even got to the Moon!

Milk in the bowl before the cereal – There are people who do this to children.  CHILDREN!  I have no words for this godawful habit.

Buttering toast with a sharp knife – Sharp knives are for cutting things; dull knives are for spreading things.  If you absolutely must, you can cut your toast with a dull knife, but never, under any circumstances, stick a sharp knife in the butter.  NEVER!  People who are capable of that are capable of anything – theft, arson, extortion, socks and sandals, Hawaiian shirts with lederhosen?  There’s just no end to it.

But the worst:

Randomly biting a KitKat™ — Since 1935, first Rowntree’s and now Nestle have been making KitKat bars to a specific standard.  In those 80 plus years, this cute little snack has spread all over the world and mutated into a plethora of flavours — including soy sauce, sake and banana.  And every minute of every day, someone, somewhere is carefully breaking a KitKat apart and eating it properly.  Yet, every once in a while, a wild-eyed anarchist will rip open the package and just take a bite.  A RANDOM BITE!  And people are surprised that some religious nutbars are calling these The Final Days?

 

Why DID The Chicken Cross The Road?

chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road?  Our time is so terminally serious that a lot of people think this is a real question, and more importantly, an opportunity to jump on their soapbox and give the world the benefit of their answer.  Here are just a few examples.

Will this be on the exam?
University freshman

To die in a ditch – alone.
University sophomore

I know why, but you wouldn’t understand.
University senior

I’m up to my ass in student loans: I don’t care.
University graduate

Chickens are running for their lives since the Trump administration announced it would be adding chicken soup to the White House cafeteria lunch menu.
CNN

To sell its eggs on our side of the road and destroy the American poultry industry.
Fox News

This is what happens to British agriculture when a bunch of uneducated yobs vote for Brexit.
BBC

I think we better take a look at the slo-mo video review of that– to make sure the chicken actually did get across the road.
ESPN Sports

Chicken on the road!  You won’t believe the “shocking” video!
Huffington Post

That question will be answered in a 10-part original series — with Jennifer Lawrence as Chicken Little and Alec Baldwin as the Cock of the Walk.
Netflix

We don’t care why, but we will accept one million chickens who are fleeing their side of the road.
Angela Merkel

We are not racist, but we’re glad the chickens are going back to their own side of the road.
Madame Marine Le Pen

On behalf of all Canadians, we apologize for our ancestors who built a road that the chicken was forced to cross.
Justin Trudeau

To try and escape from our awesome nuclear arsenal.  But there is no escape, and I will rain fire down on any chicken who dares challenge my supreme power.
Kim Jong-un

I have no knowledge of this chicken.  It wasn’t a Russian chicken, and anyone who says it was — is misinformed.
Vladimir Putin

He didn’t!  Fake news!  Not funny!
Donald Trump

Colonel Sanders is sexist.
Serena Williams

I’m smarter than that chicken.
Kanye West

I walk down the middle of the road.
Taylor Swift

We must end our dependence on fossil fuels, and then there would be no need for roads, chickens would run free, and families could just gather the eggs for food.
Environmentalist

Did you know that millions of chickens are suffering and never get the chance to cross a road?
PETA

One percent of the world’s population controls 90% of the chickens and 80% of the roads.  That’s not fair.
Activist

I’d like to live in a world where chickens can cross roads without everyone questioning their motivation.
Facebook activist

Chickens have just as much right to cross the road as roosters do.
20th Century feminist

What’s your problem with an empowered female following her passion in a rooster-dominated society?
21st Century feminist

But my favourite is

Wow!  Wouldn’t it be weird to have feathers and shit, and like we could fly everywhere, and instead of having babies, we could just like lay eggs?  Cool!
Over-enthusiastic Cannabis User

 

Dear Old People

cassette-tape

Okay, old people!  STOP IT!  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  We all know life was a gigantic hot fudge sundae back in the 70s or the 30s or whenever the hell you thought you were cool, but it’s time to give it a rest.  Every generation thinks they’re the best: take a listen to ancient Boomers yipping about the 60s as if it were an expensive suburb of Nirvana.  (It’s long past time to shoot that myth in the head, BTW.)  I’m not saying we shouldn’t be nostalgic for that magical time when we were young, beautiful, full of hormones and immortal (guilty as charged) but could we just shut up about it for five minutes? Here are a few facts old people need to remember before they start shouting their mouths off.

Nobody cares that you can rewind a cassette tape with a pencil.

Yeah, telephones were attached to the wall.  Big wow!  All that meant is every time you were talking to your friends, your mom, your dad and your dog could hear the entire conversation.

No matter how you spin it, watching a 6-year-old edited movie with a ton of advertising — on a 32 inch television set — is just not as good as watching a first-run HD film on a 60 inch big screen.  Especially when you were busting your bladder, waiting for the commercials so you could go pee without missing something.

Water from the garden hose was just water; it wasn’t 30-year-old Chablis.

The major difference between riding a bike with a helmet and riding a bike without one is – uh – I don’t know – brain damage?

The truth is, it was totally crappy to take a pile of pictures at your grandma’s 90th birthday party and find out — three days later — that half of them were out of focus.

The only reason Pong™ was cool is that’s all we had.

Carrying a camera, a Walkman™, a guide book, binoculars, a map, a pen, paper and a pocketful of coins, for pay phones and parking, when you went on vacation, was a total pain in the ass.  It’s a wonder everybody over 30 doesn’t walk with a limp.

And speaking of maps.  Cruising down the highway at 70 mph while simultaneously trying to find your exit on an uncooperative paper map the size of your dining room table was really kinda stressful.  And refolding the damn thing after you were done was even worse.

But the thing old people need to remember most about “the good old days” is:

It actually wasn’t all that much fun getting choked with cigarette smoke — in bars, restaurants, office buildings, on the streets, at the airport, in the park and (and this is true) in doctors’ offices and maternity wards.