Category: Society

I’m Totally Tired Of Porn!

WARNING:  Opinions expressed on this blog are so cold you can skate on them.  Reader discretion is advised.

newspaper-1

I’m old enough to remember when journalism was an honourable profession.  (Yeah, I’m that old.)  In those days (and this isn’t just nostalgia) reporters reported the news, good reporters sought the truth and the great ones found it.  Even as I type this, it does sound a little corny and old-fashioned.  However, anyone, who was alive before Phil Donahue and his insipid brand of Jello Journalism f-f-f-fouled things up, will know what I’m talking about.  Edward R. Murrow’s boys (and more than a few girls) set the standard, and typewriters all over the world clattered away, trying to emulate them.  Unfortunately, those days are gone, and they’re not coming back.

These days journalists deal in porn.  It comes in many forms.  It wears many disguises.  But it’s always the same – an artificially arranged scenario whose sole purpose is to stimulate the audience — and any way you slice that, it’s porn.

Disaster Porn – Touring the wreckage has become de rigueur in television reporting.  Filming stunned survivors stumbling through the rubble is gold, and if you can get a shivering puppy on camera, you’re well on your way to a Pulitzer Prize.

Grief Porn – Shoving a camera into somebody’s face and asking, “Can you describe what was going through your mind when the police first told you your daughter had been eaten by cannibals?”

Poverty Porn – Camera crews and well-fed reporters, cruising through a refugee camp like it’s a guided tour of a human zoo of misery.  But the money shot is when they pull over and ask one of the locals just how horrible their godawful, wretched existence really is.

Ain’t it Awful Porn – This is when the downtrodden get an extra kick in the ass.  Journalists particularly enjoy empty foodbanks, old people who get scammed out of their life savings, and single mothers with cancer who lose their jobs a week before Christmas.

Trump Porn – OMG!  Look what the guy did, today!  LOOK!  JUST LOOK!  It’s way worse than yesterday!

It’s Not Really Porn Porn – No wonder feminists are pissed off all the time.  Believe me, Red Carpet cleavage, the wardrobe malfunction, the ever juvenile nip slip, and the full skirt caught by a random breeze are not actually news.  They’re occasions where polite people discreetly look away.

But the worst journalistic porn in the world is:

Inspirational Porn – Clearly, the only reason disabled people even exist is to demonstrate to the rest of us lazy bastards just how petty our problems really are.  Think about it!  The truth is, regardless of how talented, determined or resourceful these people might be on a normal daily basis — without their wheelchairs, journalists wouldn’t give them the time of day.

 

YouTube – A History Lesson

youtube

In the future, when archeologists mine our computer data, they will eventually run across YouTube and when they do, they’re going to come to some interesting conclusions about life in the early 21st century.  Here are just a few examples.  (In no particular order.)

Half of all Russian drivers had dash cameras and the other half were drunk.

The tattoo industry was basically illiterate.

Our society was obsessed with puppies, kittens and fat people falling over.

Stairs were dangerous, trampolines were dangerous but the most dangerous thing of all were stripper poles.

It was common practice to scare the crap out of people – friends, neighbours, total strangers.

Construction workers were idiots.

Every man on the planet was nailed in the crotch by a ball, a bat, a rock, a pole, a stick, a croquet mallet, a hot beverage, a flying piece of fruit or some other heavy item — at least once.

The number of skateboarders who attempted suicide was astronomical.

Grown men spent their lives looking for mistakes in movies.

Taylor Swift was part of the problem.

Kanye West had only one song.

Millions of people spent millions of hours watching men doing various activities with a variety of balls.

No one could get through an entire day without mentioning Trump.

People made all sorts of things out of used plastic bottles and old toilet rolls – but they were totally useless and looked like they were made out of used plastic bottles and old toilet rolls.

Western religion was based on celebrities and babies.

Bikinis made women stupid.  Men started out that way.

People worried about zombies a lot more than they did nutrition.

Accidents, catastrophes and natural disasters were spectator sports.

Marriage proposals were publicly staged and elaborately planned.

Wedding, yearbook and family photos were objects of ridicule.

But actually:

Despite all their research, future archeologists are never going to be able to figure out who was filming all this stuff or why.

Let’s Kill “Awesome!”

awesome

It’s time to shoot “awesome” in the head, drag the corpse into the street and fling it into the gutter.  I’m not opposed to hyperbole, but in the 21st century, we’ve tossing around “awesome” as if it were confetti at a high school graduation.  And the problem is people are beginning to believe that everything they do is a titanic effort of will that deserves congratulations. Here’s the deal.  I don’t care what your friends say; you’re not “awesome” when you’re doing stuff that doesn’t take any effort.  Let me demonstrate.

I don’t eat fast food – If, indeed, you are the one person on this planet who has never French kissed a Big Mac™ – so what?  There is no moral advantage to eating food that’s good for you.  After all, rabbits, giraffes and gophers do it every day.  All you did was walk past Pizza Hut, Burger King and KFC.  And hey, lady: that’s what you’re supposed to do! 

I love my kids – What’s the alternative?  Locking them in the basement?  Parents, you don’t get extra points for actually loving those obnoxious little buggers – it’s your job!  And quite frankly, if more parents spent more time doing that job instead of constantly yipping about it, we’d all be better off.

I do yoga – So do three billion other people.

I’m a feminist – To be brutally honest, being a feminist west of the Vistula is a pretty easy gig.  If you’re so truly committed to the fight for women’s rights, show up in Tehran and lead a troop of bikini girls through the streets, doing the Lambada.  Then you can brag about it.  Here in the West, being in favour of equal rights isn’t “awesome;” it’s ordinary.

I just take things one day at a time. – This doesn’t mean you’re a free spirit or a child of wonder or any of the other New Age clichés.  Why?  Because everybody takes things one day at a time – that’s the way they come.

But my favourite is still:

I’m not on Facebook anymore — Yeah, I know: you mentioned it — on Twitter.