More Summer News

newspaper

I love it when the news cooperates!  Sometimes being a writer is hard work, but every once in a while, the news just falls into your lap like a half-eaten hotdog squirting out of the bun.  It’s messy, it’s not very nice, but everybody who sees it thinks it’s funny.

It turns out yet another US president got played like a cheap violin.  Diplomats all over the world have been duping US presidents since Woodrow Wilson got his ass handed to him by Georges Clemenceau at the Treaty of Versailles in 1919.  This latest fiasco happened at the Donald Trump/Kim Jong-un Summit last month.  Everybody walked away all smiles and chuckles, but come to find out, the only country that got what they wanted was China — a diminished US military presence in Northeast Asia.  Plus ça change!

Some lions in South Africa got pissed off and ate a couple of poachers.  These guys probably had friends and families, but I’m pretty sure most of the world is cheering for the lions.  Just goes to show you that our compassion for the tragic loss of human life is actually on a sliding scale.

According to the UN, a bunch of Syrians have returned home after a de-escalation in the fighting between – uh – God only knows.  (Figuring out who’s fighting who in Syria is like doing a Rubik Cube blindfolded — good luck!)  The point is, however, why?  I’ve seen Syria on TV, and it looks to me as if those people haven’t seen a tree, a bush or a blade of grass in a coupla hundred years.  I can’t imagine how returning home is the best option for anybody who actually managed to get the hell outta there.  But home is where the heart is – I guess!

And finally:

Scarlett Johansson is getting beaten up on Twitter – again.  This time, she’s been cast as a transgender woman/man in a movie.  Apparently (according to Twitter, anyway) only transgender people should portray transgender people in movies.  Oddly, Ms. Johansson, an American from New York, was not criticized for portraying a 16th century English aristocrat (The Other Boleyn Girl) a 17th Dutch servant (Girl With A Pearl Earring) a Russian assassin (all the Marvel movies) a computer (Her) an alien (Under The Skin) or a snake (The Jungle Book.)  Call me old-fashioned, but I’m pretty sure the entire (and only) purpose of “acting” is to “act” like the character you’re trying to portray — and if you do a good job, they give you tons of money and a bunch of awards.  I realize Twitter logic is an oxymoron, but this kinda thinking actually defeats the whole point of the profession.

I Call Bullshit — Time Travel!

time travel

I don’t believe in Time Travel.  And I don’t give a rat’s ass what Einstein, Carl Sagan and Dr. Who have to say about it!

Time travel is the unicorn of our human experience: everybody’s heard of it and can describe it in vivid detail, but there’s not one shred of tangible evidence to prove it actually exists.  Yeah, yeah, yeah! Theories of Quantum Physics, or mechanics, or some other mumbo-jumbo say it could happen, but … my mother said if I skipped stones down the alley, I’d put somebody’s eye out.  Yeah, right!  Besides, most of the folks spouting these theories are basement dwellers who spend tons of time watching The Space Channel but haven’t quite got around to finishing Junior College.

If – IF? – time travel does exist, then I have a few questions — and none of them has anything to do with Flux Capacitors.

1 — How come we’re not up to our elbows in antique dealers?  There should be an army of futuristic entrepreneurs — marching around, buying everything from rotary phones to can openers in our time, taking them back home and cashing in.

2 — Why didn’t somebody go back to Germany, 1933 and zap Adolf Hitler?  Okay, some place in the future, a bunch of guys are sitting around a bar, having a few adult beverages and putting on the brag.  I simply can’t believe that, in all the years of future history, not one of them — ever – will stand up and say, “Hey, hold my beer … I’m gonna go prevent World War II!”

3 — How come every person who claims to be a time traveler – isn’t?  We live in a world where, if you stumble on a curb, it’s upload to Instagram, Snapchat and YouTube — in seconds!  It beggars disbelief that somebody wandering around, looking like an extra from Star Trek, would go unnoticed.

4 – How come future gamblers aren’t winning every lottery, Keno game and sports bet on the planet?  I’m pretty sure criminals in the future would think of this.  Biff did.

But I’ve saved the best for last:

5 – Why aren’t historical events overflowing with time-travelling tourists?  I have a friend who would love to have seen the premiere of Hamlet – and she’s not the only one.  Imagine what kind of an audience you’d get for the Gettysburg Address, the Signing of the Magna Carta, or Columbus’ first foot in the New World?  And it’s not a one off: it’s time travel!  People could go every week – generation after generation!  Logically, there should be a couple of million people hanging out watching Da Vinci paint Mona — or waiting in line to witness the Wright brothers “slip the surly bonds of earth” at Kitty Hawk.

 

The 4th Of July (2018)

4th of july

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, American Independence Day.  (Not really– Congress actually voted on the 2nd of July, but the boys didn’t sign it until the 4th – so everybody just goes with that.)  Anyway, every year at this time I take a minute to cut through the rhetoric and speak in praise of America.  (Some years are harder than others.)  I do it because, as John Adams once said, “Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”  Here are some facts about the Land of Milk and Money.

There are 1.5 million registered volunteer agencies in America (and that doesn’t include all the local groups, who run bake sales, sell raffle tickets, drive kids to practice, sew costumes for little theatre, plant community gardens, visit seniors, etc., etc., etc.)  In all, over 60 million Americans do some kind of volunteer work every year.  That’s nearly 20% of the population – far more than that of any other country in the world.

American universities spend mega-money on research.  Last year, the top 10 schools alone spent over 11 billion dollars studying everything from laser surgery to micro agriculture.  And here’s the deal.  Nearly 90% of all that research is available to the world – for free.  All you have to do is ask!

In 2015, the top ten charities in America raised and distributed over $26 billion dollars.  That’s more than the next three most generous nations (New Zealand, Canada and the UK) combined.

In 2016, the United States paid 10 billion of the roughly 50 billion dollar United Nations budget.  That kind of money goes a long way to keeping UN Women, the World Health Organization, Unesco and Unicef going.  By contrast, China the world largest nation, paid $1.3 billion and Vladimir Putin’s Russia paid a measly $562 million.

Those “Blood for Oil” bumper stickers are bullshit.  Roughly 40% of the fossil fuels used in the US are home-grown.  In fact, America is one of the top oil producers in the world (normally, just behind #1, Saudi Arabia and #2 Russia.)  The truth is, America gets more oil from Canada than it does from the entire Persian Gulf.

Despite what the Internet will tell you, America spends more on Health Care and Social Security (over half their budget) than it does on the military (16%.)  On average, university professors earn more than Army generals.  And there are 3 times as many teachers in America as there are police officers.

But my favourite is still:

Every year, the US government gives – GIVES – over $30 billion in non-military foreign aid to countries around the world.  That’s free money, folks — courtesy of the American taxpayer.  It’s from the woman who drives the truck.  The guy with 3 kids in school.  The architect, the nurse, the butcher, the baker and even the candlestick maker.  It’s from all those Americans who never get mentioned in the news.

Over the last 242 years, US presidents, policies and perceptions have changed many times, but ordinary Americans have always maintained a remarkable ability to cope, an incredible desire to help — at home and around the world — and an extraordinary willingness to share their good fortune.

Happy 4th of July, America