Tag: behavior

Are You A Pompous Ass?

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Recently, I discovered that I’m actually not a pompous ass.  It was quite a revelation.  I’ve been working under the delusion for years.  Anyway, I took the test, and come to find out, I’m just an ordinary guy.  (Who knew?)  So, if you’re at all concerned about where you fit on the scale of pompous assery — take the test.  (Europeans: don’t worry about question #1 — all your films are “foreign.”  Vegetarians: disregard #4 – it’s for meat eaters.)  Good luck!

1 — Do you prefer movies with subtitles?
Pompous asses believe they are cultural sponges, and they can magically soak up sophistication just by watching foreign films – whether they understand them or not.

2 — Do you automatically think people with English accents are smart?
Seduced by Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones and the many, many productions of Pride and Prejudice, the pompous ass looks at a clipped consonant as if it were an IQ test.  That’s why so many advertisers use it for voiceovers.

3 — Do you eat a lot of food with French names?
Everybody knows that you can put mud through a French kitchen and it will taste good, but only a pompous ass gets fooled by the name.

4 — Do you secretly wish you could figure out how to become a Vegan so you can casually mention it to your friends at dinner parties?
Pompous asses groom their image as if it were an award-winning show dog.  And speaking of dogs:

5 — Do you call the mutt you got from the Animal Shelter a “rescue dog?”
A pompous ass doesn’t understand that you don’t get extra points for giving an ordinary event a special name.

6 — Are you on Instagram instead of Facebook — even though they’re virtually the same and are both owned by that cyber-scoundrel, Mark Zuckerberg?
A pompous ass follows meaningless trends the way a southern bloodhound follows an escaped convict.

7 — Do you used words like “toxic,” “vulnerable” and “inappropriate” as if they mean something?
Pompous asses use buzzwords to camouflage their shallow understanding of the conversation at hand.

8 — Do you say “purchase” instead of “buy,” “communicate” instead of “talk” and “plethora” instead of “lots?”
Pompous asses love using 10-dollar words.  It makes them feel ever-so-clever.

And finally:

9 — Do you drink your coffee out of a paper cup?
The ubiquitous badge of the pompous ass is the paper coffee cup.  Screw the environment: this is about cool!

Scoring:

If you answered yes 3 times or fewer – you’re fine.
If you had 4 to 7 yeses – you need to think about this.
Anything else – go walk your “rescue dog!”

Just A Few More New Year’s Resolutions

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We’re less than a week into the New Year, and the salad eaters are already getting a little crabby, the non-smokers are downright belligerent and if Rashema, from accounting, tells you one more time why she’s not eating chocolate, you’re going to shove a Mars Bar™ up her nose.  But not to worry!  This happens every January when the “I’m-going-to-get-better” resolutions are still fresh.  In a couple of weeks, things will settle down and get back to normal.  Thank God!

However, in the interests of social progress, maybe it’s time our world made a few collective “I’m-going-to-get-better” resolutions.  Just a couple of minor changes that would enhance our society and make the journey from the cradle to the grave a little better for all of us.  Naturally, I have suggestions.

#1 — It’s time to limit the size of baby strollers.  Yes, parents have to move their kids around somehow, but they don’t need a vehicle the size of a Smart Car.  Some of those Infant Transportation Devices (ITDs) are big enough to have their own WiFi, for God’s sake!

#2 – And while we’re on the subject: let’s give some reasonable thought to carry-on luggage.  It isn’t necessary to haul that much crap onto an airplane that’s only going to be in the air a couple of hours.  And honestly, how much stuff do you actually need for a weekend in Vegas?

#3 — Let’s quit “checking our privilege” every five seconds.  Folks!  It’s still there.

#4 – And could we kindly remember that the collective wisdom of 50,000 years of science, mathematics, art and history isn’t merely a matter of opinion?

#5 – Perhaps we could overcome the burning need to constantly call each other with minute-by-minute updates on our global location.  “I’m on the bus.”  I’m around the corner.”  “I’ll be there in 10.”  If your friends are that worried you’re going to wander off like an absent-minded puppy, give the people around you a break and text them.

#6 – This is the year we should finally stop using the term “speaking out.”  First of all, it’s redundant and secondly, there’s an implication that, at some point, the speaker was silenced.  I can assure you: in our 24/7 Social Media universe, nobody is silent — unless they want to be.

#7 – Let’s not forget there’s a reason we have right and wrong.  Again, it’s not merely a matter of opinion.

#8 – At some point, we need to realize that a 140-character tweet is not a well-thought-out discussion of anything – ever.  Tweets don’t deserve that kind of respect.

#9 – The world would be a quieter, gentler place if everybody who has one would just shut up about their student loan.

#10 – We need to stop thinking people get extra points for being “authentic.”  They don’t!  It’s what people are supposed to be.

But the thing we all have to remember in 2019 – seriously — is:

#11 – It’s not about you!

And So This Is Christmas …

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There are a million and six ways to celebrate Christmas — everything from Aunt Betty’s fruitcake (“Isn’t that the same one from last year?”) to the latest overpriced iPhone (“Holy crap!  They’re proud of their plastic!)  And we all keep Christmas in our own way.  However, there are certain things that everyone experiences at Christmas.  And these are the things that make the season special.

Christmas is about music — For God’s sake!  Could you give “Jingle Bells” a rest?  You’ve been playing that damn thing constantly since the 12th of November.  And, while we’re at it, one more “Little Drummer Boy” and I’m going to jump up and punch somebody – seriously – I’m going to punch somebody.

Christmas is about good cheer – To the guy who stole your parking space, the woman who elbowed into line and insisted she was next, the teenagers who were singing “Straight Outta Compton” in the Lego Store, the delivery person who dropped your package and kicked it to the door and the co-workers who secretly ate all your cookies – Merry Christmas, ya bunch of assholes!

Christmas is about giving — You’ve known each other since grade school; you’ve been friends since university.  So this year you’ve spent the last three months searching every garage sale, dusty charity shop and back alley record store within 100 km. looking for a copy of her totally favourite vinyl record, The Velvet Underground & Nico.  You found it!  You wrap it in special paper with a handmade tag.  You give it to her.  And she hands you a scented candle and a Starbucks’ Gift Card.

Christmas is about family – Your mother hasn’t spoken to Uncle Thomas in 12 years.  Your brother borrowed money from you last April, and now he doesn’t answer his phone.  Your niece is a vegan and her girlfriend is an atheist.  Grandpa can’t eat salt, sugar, soy or starch and Grandma has trouble with fibre.  Cousin Benny and his wife drink – a lot.  And your own kids have decided to spend Christmas in Hawaii with their father.  Surprise!  It’s your year to host the good old-fashioned family Christmas dinner.  Oh, and your sister’s kids want to bring the dog.

But the one thing that we all have in common at Christmas is:

Christmas is about kids – I don’t care if you’re the world’s most committed social worker, one good deed away from the Nobel Peace Prize or a badass biker, one neck tattoo away from a felony conviction — when a child sees Santa Claus for the first time – screw the 6 O’clock News — there is no wickedness in the world!