Tag: cinema

Some Movies Redefined!

film

I love movies, but I’m losing my girlish laughter over the people who make them.  These days, there’s this weird idea that “good” movies have to be socially or politically aware.  What a crock!  Movies are entertainment.  That’s their function.  After that, if you want to turn them into a soapbox, knock yourself out.  But not every story has to carry a deep meaning or a dire warning.  Some stories are just a brief look into someone else’s life, and if they’re told well, they make great movies.  Contorting every tale into a vehicle that delivers a social message is the reason so many contemporary movies suck.  Let me demonstrate.  Here is a list of just a few films with social awareness shoehorned into their narrative.  The results are hilarious!

A foster child raised by a same sex couple grows up, returns to his home, kills his uncle and marries his – uh – sister?  — The Lion King

An underprivileged boy dies when a selfish rich girl is convinced she shouldn’t share her transportation with him.  — Titanic

Her whole world falls apart when an innocent, young girl goes on Reality TV and becomes a global celebrity.  — Hunger Games

Things go horribly wrong for a recent immigrant who has built a successful business and married the girl of his dreams.  — Scarface

The hidden homo-erotic world of the American military.  — Top Gun

A May-December bromance that lasted for over 30 years.  — Lethal Weapon franchise   

Bullies try to harm a transvestite couple.  — Some Like it Hot

A devoted fan is remorselessly murder by her celebrity crush – who gets away with it.  — Misery

An orphan boy comes out of the closet to fight back when an older man’s obsession turns his life into a nightmare.  — Harry Potter franchise

Estranged children fight with their father over the corporate structure of the family business.  — Star Wars (original trilogy)

An unsupervised child attempts to murder two mentally disadvantaged men.  — Home Alone

A primitive indigenous culture cannot survive without the help of technologically advanced white man.  — Avatar

A wealthy suburban teenager exploits sex workers to pay for repairs on his family’s Porsche.  — Risky Business

Worst case of Stockholm Syndrome — ever.  — Beauty and the Beast

A Florida woman speaks out when she is victimized by several stalkers.  — There’s Something About Mary

Ruthless toy company executive seduces a 12-year-old boy.  — Big

A teenage girl explores an inappropriate relationship with a much older man.  — Twilight

And, of course:

Women get into a deadly altercation over shoes.  — The Wizard of Oz

The Oscars Are Old!

oscars

This year, the Oscars have snuck up on me because – uh – well — for the first time in living memory, I don’t really care. This isn’t a sudden revelation: it’s been building for a few years.  Oscar and I are just not that into each other anymore.  It’s sad to lose a lifetime lover, but we’ve grown apart, Oscar and I, and I’m probably going to spend the evening playing with my new friends on Netflix.  So what happened?  Oscar got old.

I’ll grant you I’m no spring chicken, myself.  I can clearly remember the night Oliver, a piece of junk musical, beat The Lion in Winter, for Best Picture – what a shock!  But that’s what Oscar used to be – wild and unpredictable.  It was magic.  It was fun, and everybody wanted to know who won.  These days, despite its chiseled abs and perky breasts, Oscar is old enough to be my grandfather and acts the part.

Let’s face it: the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have become a bunch of dithering old people, worried about what the neighbours will think.  Look at all the dicking around over Kevin Hart.  Why does this remind me of Shady Acres Care Facility?
“Okay, fine!  If Mrs. Crabtree can’t run the rummage sale, then I guess we just won’t have a host this year.  Satisfied?”
Plus, there’s the on-again/off-again Popular Picture Award and the bickering over which awards do or do not deserve television time.  God, folks!  Get over yourselves!  Nobody cares!  Ordinary people tune in to Oscar night for the Big Six and wade through the rest because of the dresses.  Here’s a newsflash: there’s only one person who remembers who won the Oscar for Best Animated Short Film in 2010 and that’s Nicolas Schmerkin – the guy who won.

The problem is, like old people everywhere, the Academy just doesn’t realize it’s old.  It’s still thinks it’s Ava Gardner-glamourous with oysters and champagne, but what the rest of the world sees is Meryl Streep, drinking low-fat Chablis and blathering on about the intestinal benefits of ancient grains.  The Oscars are too earnest, too political, too aware, and too damn grouchy to be magic anymore.  They’re not fun.  They’re scolding.

So I’m going to give them a miss for all those reasons and mostly because — ever since The Hurt Locker — Oscar has become totally predictable.

Good luck, Black Panther – you haven’t got a chance!

Stuff I Learned From The Movies

film

They say art imitates life, and even though I don’t know who “they” are, I believe them.  Sure, in the 21st century, we’re definitely swimming in the shallow end of the artistic pond, but we still have film makers.  These are the contemporary artists whose vision, diligence and painstaking efforts help us understand the human condition.  Here are just a few things I’ve learned from the movies.

Impossible missions are not only possible; they’re down right probable.

Nazis and drug cartel henchmen can’t shoot straight.

There are more than 100 ways to build a time machine, but if you build one, expect it to end badly.

Englishmen are evil.

When you look up “weird” in the dictionary, they spell M. Night Shyamalan’s name correctly.

Your gay friends are a lot smarter than you are.

Aliens hate Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower and The Statue of Liberty.

Despite all evidence to the contrary — and a ton of personal experience — major urban areas have very little traffic, and you can drive as fast as you want on most surface streets.

Small towns are creepy, the wilderness is dangerous, and whatever you do, stay away from the water.

Eastern Europe is full of old, broken-down automobiles and abandoned buildings.

White groups always have one black friend, but black groups seldom return the favour.

It’s okay to stalk your ex-girlfriend, a co-worker, your best friend’s wife or the woman in your apartment complex — as long as you’re convinced you truly love her.

Despite all evidence to the contrary — and a ton of personal experience — all people over 50 have Alzheimer’s.

Secret government agents (spies) are easy to spot: they’re the ones in the expensive clothes.

Adam Sandler isn’t funny.

Sad things have subtitles.

People in New York and Chicago are really good at managing their money.  Even when they have the crappiest job in history, they can still afford a decent apartment.

All Asians know kung fu – even the little kids.

Despite all evidence to the contrary — and a ton of personal experience — super-hot girls are actually attracted to nerdy guys.

Contemporary bras are so comfortable women wear them all the time — even when they’re sleeping or having industrial-strength, marathon sex.

When you hear Middle Eastern music, something’s going to explode.

Amy Adams and Isla Fisher are the same person — and she even proved it in Nocturnal Animals.

But the best thing I ever learned from the movies is —

If a bald guy offers you the red pill, run like hell!