Summer Thoughts

summer

We’re approaching the halfway point of summer.  It’s hot.  I’m grouchy.  The guy down the street still believes everyone in the neighbourhood loves classic hip-hop.  And I wish there was an Advent Calendar for the Autumn Equinox – but there isn’t.  Anyway, here are some random thoughts to occupy your mind while Mother Nature tries to broil us in our own oil — again this year.

Life is not a bowl of cherries, a river, a journey or a process – life is a ski jump.  You start off slowly, gather momentum and just when you reach maximum velocity and think you’ve got it all going on – oops! – you’re sailing fifty metres in the air, and there’s nothing underneath you but the cold, hard ground.

Isn’t it totally convenient that most of the people you know — from the woman you see on the bus every morning to that best, best friend you’ve known since university — go into suspended animation when you’re not there?

Even though Winnie the Pooh did his own stunts in the new Disney film, Christopher Robin, China has still banned it.  Why am I not surprised?

One of the coolest things about getting older is that, when people talk about you behind your back, you can’t hear them.  And this works on so many levels.

In fashion, sometimes the only difference between faux pas and faux posh is about $500.00.

This is the best way to explain the difference between movie audiences in Europe and North America.  In North America, people want to see Michael Fassbender play Macbeth.  In Europe, people want to see Macbeth played by Michael Fassbender.

In the small town of Union Bay, Canada, a 95-year-old woman, Anna Stady, chased a bear out of her kitchen.  This says a few things about wildlife in Canada and a whole bunch about Canadian women.

And finally:

Young people spend so much time using their phones to “interact” with their friends on Social Media, one would think that teenage pregnancies should be somewhere around zero.

I’m Losing My Patience

animal

As I get older (notice I didn’t say old) I find that the thread of my patience grows thin.  There’s a ton of stuff I just walk away from.  It’s not that these things make me angry – they don’t – they’re just vaguely annoying — like some asshole blasting his music through a quiet summer night.  (More about that later.)  The truth is there are whole sections of contemporary life that make me feel like an old dog who doesn’t quite get the point of fetching the stick anymore.  I’ve got nothing against the stick or the girl who throws it — I just don’t see the purpose.  Anyway, here are a few things that don’t actually make sense to me – uh – just because.

Bucket Lists – I’m really sorry you didn’t have the stones to bungee jump when you were 23, but challenging gravity to a duel at 72 isn’t a) all that smart and b) of any concern to anybody but your beneficiaries.

Talking about Trump – Folks, there are only so many different ways you can call somebody a jerk.  I get it, okay?  The guy’s Adolf Hitler’s evil grandson.  Give it a rest!

TV programs that keep going sideways – Get on with it, for God’s sake!  I’m looking at you, Game of Thrones.

British accents in television commercials – It’s an indisputable fact that, in North America, you can sell dirt to farmers if you dress it up in an English accent.  But why do they all sound like someone from Dorset, trying to dislodge a corn cob – from their nose?

Hate Crimes – For the life of me, I can’t understand why beating somebody over the head with a rake because you hate them is somehow legally, morally and physically worse than the simple act of beating somebody over the head with a rake.

Age is just a number – The only people who spout this kind of nonsense have very low numbers.

Road Rage – Actually, I’ve never been able to figure out how shouting, beeping the horn and offering other drivers the finger can possibly enhance the quality of anybody’s journey.

Long-winded stories about tacky tattoos – This one speaks for itself.

Standing in Line – There isn’t one thing on this planet worth waiting in line for– with the possible exception of the resurrection of Elvis.  And even then, I’d have to think about it.

And just one more:

Gratuitous Noise – To me, loud stereos, overpowered motorcycles, missing mufflers and public arguments all boil down to the same thing: too bad about your penis, buddy!

YouTube – A History Lesson

youtube

In the future, when archeologists mine our computer data, they will eventually run across YouTube and when they do, they’re going to come to some interesting conclusions about life in the early 21st century.  Here are just a few examples.  (In no particular order.)

Half of all Russian drivers had dash cameras and the other half were drunk.

The tattoo industry was basically illiterate.

Our society was obsessed with puppies, kittens and fat people falling over.

Stairs were dangerous, trampolines were dangerous but the most dangerous thing of all were stripper poles.

It was common practice to scare the crap out of people – friends, neighbours, total strangers.

Construction workers were idiots.

Every man on the planet was nailed in the crotch by a ball, a bat, a rock, a pole, a stick, a croquet mallet, a hot beverage, a flying piece of fruit or some other heavy item — at least once.

The number of skateboarders who attempted suicide was astronomical.

Grown men spent their lives looking for mistakes in movies.

Taylor Swift was part of the problem.

Kanye West had only one song.

Millions of people spent millions of hours watching men doing various activities with a variety of balls.

No one could get through an entire day without mentioning Trump.

People made all sorts of things out of used plastic bottles and old toilet rolls – but they were totally useless and looked like they were made out of used plastic bottles and old toilet rolls.

Western religion was based on celebrities and babies.

Bikinis made women stupid.  Men started out that way.

People worried about zombies a lot more than they did nutrition.

Accidents, catastrophes and natural disasters were spectator sports.

Marriage proposals were publicly staged and elaborately planned.

Wedding, yearbook and family photos were objects of ridicule.

But actually:

Despite all their research, future archeologists are never going to be able to figure out who was filming all this stuff or why.