Tag: contemporary life

Stuff We Need To Remember

remember

I know dis-remember is not a word (hyphenated or otherwise) but it should be.  We all know the stuff we learned growing up is true.  It has to be.  It got us this far.  However, as comfortable adults, we tend to forget those little life lessons and just go with the flow.  These days that means trying to navigate between the 1,001 feel-good flavours of Facebook and that horde of snarling Twitter trolls who are always out for blood.  It’s a dangerous journey — go too far one way and you’ll die of sugar shock; go too far the other and they’ll tear you to ribbons.  So, here are a few things most of us have dis-remembered over the years but that we all need — just to keep an even keel in this world.

Saying You’re Sorry Doesn’t Actually Do Anything — There are tons of people who believe “sorry” is a universal talisman that cures all evil.  It isn’t.  In fact, most times it’s just a quick and dirty way for people to apologize themselves out from underneath any responsibility — after the fact.  Try this simple experiment.  Step on a bug.  Now, say you’re “sorry.”  Who feels better?  You or the bug?

It’s Not Illegal To Say Yes — Here in the 21st century, it’s hard to believe — but pessimism is not the natural order of things.  Sometimes good stuff does happen in our world, and there’s nothin’ we can do about it!  People who are constantly trying to find the dark cloud surrounding the silver lining are not profound; they’re just intellectually lazy.

Everybody Is Judgemental And Anyone Who Says They Aren’t Is Lying — We all judge; that is the natural order of things.  We assess our surroundings — from the woman who looks like Home Depot did her makeup to the guy who walks as if he’s got a stick stuck somewhere uncomfortable — and we catalogue the results.  The bottom line is the only creature on this planet who’s never going to judge you is your dog, so if you can’t function without unconditional support, buy a good bra and orthopedic shoes.

There’s Always A Dick Out There Somewhere — On the day you discover you can walk on water, there’s definitely going to be somebody who wants to talk about why you can’t swim!

But I’ve saved the best for last:

The Human Body Has A Best Before Date — Despite what cosmetic companies, fitness companies and a few of our vainer friends tell us, at some point we’re all going to lose our battle with gravity.  Eventually, the good bits of even the hottest body all start their journey back to Mother Earth — with various saggy, baggy results.  Just because our culture is psychotically obsessed with youth, there’s nothing wrong with that.  We all need to remember: the best any of us is ever going to do is surrender slowly.

Our World Is Dying

sandOur world is dying.  No, I don’t mean poached polar bears, floating face down in the flooded streets of Miami — although, if we’re not careful, that could be a possibility.  I’m talking about that world we built back in the 20th century that, for all its mighty flaws, was — uh — comfortable.  Yes, part of this is just old man nostalgia, but even the “tear-it-down/blow-it-up” crowd will admit that, a couple of decades ago, there was a certain certainty about life.  We had a society that was steady, reliable — dull as dishwater — but it made life relatively easy to live.  Unfortunately, a lot of the institutions — and therefore the attitudes — which defined that world are slowly going the way of the dodo.  Some of these are just tiny twitches, but they’re all part of a gathering tsunami that is going to wipe away our world like a foot print on the beach.

Landline Telephones — The biggest change in the cell phone revolution is that, without a heavy receiver in your hand, you can’t slam down the phone in pissed-off frustration anymore.  Touching disconnect just doesn’t cut it!  This pent-up anger has to go somewhere, and I personally think this why young people complain so much.

Bricks and Mortar — Those greedy corporate bastards are closing retail outlets as fast as they can hang the “For Sale” signs.  Why?  Just because I, and millions of other people, haven’t actually been inside a bank, a hardware store, a department store or a book shop for months, or even years.  The problem is those young people who would have (should have?) started their careers as bank tellers, shop clerks and cashiers are now unemployed and have to look for opportunities in such soul-killing professions as HR counselling and IT consulting.  No wonder young people are grouchy all the time!

Regular Redneck Beer — Like coffee and snack food, beer has fallen prey to that most insidious predator of our time — the pompous ass.  Adding blueberries, broccoli or bananas to what is essentially Budweiser, and calling it “craft beer” is bad enough, but pretending “Gimme a beer!” is a culinary event so you can charge an outrageous price for it is just an out-and-out scam.  And people are surprised that young people think the world is screwing them over!

And finally:

Flirting — If you’re a heterosexual male between the ages of 16 and 65, the new rules on flirting are easy — DON’T!  You’re far better off with the Bromance.  Hanging out with your bestie bros provides a safe, non-judgemental environment.  Besides, history has shown us that inter-gender activity can lead to all manner of 20th century nonsense, like art, poetry, laughter, walking on the beach, dancing in the moonlight and even singing in the rain.

It’s a brave new world out there, kids.  Smile!

Out With The Old!

old

It’s a brand new year, time to show a little healthy intolerance for all the crap that has somehow become cool in our world.  This is the stuff we all put up with for no apparent reason — even though most of it is just a pain in the ass.  Here’s a very short list to get started.  (And you’ll be surprised just how good it feels to finally overthrow the tyranny of the mob.)

Loudmouth Vegans — Nobody really cares what you eat (see item #2) but announcing what you won’t eat every five minutes is just being a self-righteous jerk.  Think about it: when a vegan comes to your house for dinner, you serve vegan, but when you go to a vegan’s house for dinner, they never bring out a steak.

Social Media Food Photos — Nobody really cares what you eat.

Selfies — Submitting photographic evidence that you don’t have any friends doesn’t make you interesting.

Tiny Houses — The sun is shining.  Leighton and Bryce are happy.  They just bought a 300 square foot (100 metre) house.  They’re going to live there.  Next winter when the fog, rain, snow, ice and wind come and they have to dismantle the kitchen every time they want to go to the toilet, Leighton and Bryce are going to kill each other.

Torn Clothes — Would somebody please tell rich, white people that the reason they can dress themselves in rags is there’s a bunch of kids in Bangladesh working 14 hours a day in penal servitude?

Roseanne — Resurrecting the Connor family is a gutsy cash grab, but here’s a news flash: the 90s are over, and Dan is dead.

Lena Dunham — She’s the first celebrity to make a career out of apologizing.  However, when she mentioned that she wished she’d had an abortion just so she could know how it feels — well — that kinda tells ya where her mind’s at.

Twitter — Boy, did that little bit of fun go to hell in a hurry!

Hashtag Everything — (see above)

Tattoos — The only reason these middleclass badges are still around is it hurts like hell to get rid of them.

Man Buns — The saddest fashion trend since Hammer Pants swept the neighbourhood.

And finally:

Wearable Apple Crap — Paying a ton of money for a watch that you can barely see — that tells you stuff 99.99% of the people on this planet don’t care about — is living proof that Mr. Barnum was right: there is a sucker born every minute.