Tag: films

Puzzle — Movie Quotes

Meanwhile in Vancouver, Canada, the snow has turned to freezing rain.  The streets look like somebody spilled a gigantic dirt and dishwater daiquiri.  It’s been a week since I’ve done anything but shovel.  I’ve eaten all the chocolate, all the cookies and all the leftover Christmas candy.  This is my last bag of Doritos and my last Pepsi.  Now I know how the boys of Terra Nova felt.  (Too soon?)  But, if I’m going to go down, I’m going to go down swinging, testing the mettle of my electronic friends.

puzzle-snow

This is a movie quote puzzle.  Here are 11 quotes from 11 movies and the 11 actors and actresses who spoke them.  You have to match the quote to the actor or actress and then name the movie.  This is moderately difficult.  Hint: Use the process of elimination.

So, if you like, answer all the questions correctly and use Contact Me to send me your answers.  The first person to get all of them correct (100%) will be awarded a signed copy of The Woman in the Window — everybody else will bask in the knowledge that they did a good job.  The contest ends at noon on Monday Feb. 13, 2017 (Vangroovy time.)  Answers next week.  Good luck!

1 — “You gonna do somethin’ or just stand there and bleed?”

2 — “And tomorrow we come back and cut off your Johnson.”

3 — “Go away — or I shall taunt you a second time.”

4 — “You are a sad, strange, little man and you have my pity.”

5 — “Looking at the cake is like looking at the future. Until you’ve tasted it, what do you really know– and then, of course, it’s too late.

6 — “Shut up and deal.”

7 — “It’s always gonna be somethin’ with you, isn’t it Joe?”

8 — “You people! If there isn’t a movie about it, it’s not worth knowing– is it?”

9 — “I don’t know how to shut down a neutron reactor — and unless you took a Learning Annex course I don’t know about, I’m pretty sure you don’t know how to shut down  a neutron reactor, either.”

10 — “Get off my lawn!”

11 — “It’s not the years; it’s the mileage.”

———————————————–

A — Sigourney Weaver

B — John Cleese

C — Harrison Ford

D — Clint Eastwood

E — Peter Stormare

F — Kurt Russell

G — Meg Ryan

H — Tim Allen

I — Shirley MacLaine

J — Alan Rickman

K — Nicol Williamson

Shrek Killed Eddie Murphy

shrekRemember when Eddie Murphy was funny — and not just regular funny — Axel Foley funny?  Ya ever wonder what happened to Eddie Murphy?  I’ll tell ya what happened to Eddie Murphy.  Shrek happened to Eddie Murphy.  Yeah, Shrek!  Now, I’m as huge a Shrek fan as the next over-the-hill heterosexual male, but the truth is Shrek is the biggest career killer since Rebel Without A Cause bumped off James Dean, Natalie Wood and Sal Mineo.

Let’s look at the facts:

In the Shrek universe there’s Shrek, Fiona and Donkey — Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz and Eddie Murphy.

Mike Myers — He’s the guy from Saturday Night Live.  The guy who was Wayne Campbell from Wayne’s World and Dieter from Sprockets.  The guy who went on to become Austin Powers and Dr. Evil.  Mike Myers was born to play Shrek.  He brings that perfect balance of testosterone green and 21st century sensitive to the animated screen.  He turned a stereotypical ogre into a multi-layered personality, tough but tender, an ogre for the ages.  But what has he done since then — a 30 million dollar lawsuit and The Cat In The Hat?  The Cat In The Hat!  In 2003, Golden Raspberry created a special award for “The Worst Excuse For An Actual Movie” and gave it to The Cat In The Hat.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, there was a fly-by in Inglourious Basterds — but nobody cares, and these days Mike Myers is just another used-to-be funny Canadian.

Cameron Diaz — Let’s face it, Cameron Diaz is not a very good actress.  She has her moments, but I don’t see her playing Lady Macbeth anytime soon.  The thing is, at one time, her films were cute and sometimes, through no fault of her own, they even made money.  Then she did Shrek.  Since then, despite one last kick at the Charlie’s Angels cash cow, Diaz has been in so many trash movies she’s earned — earned —  a hazardous waste warning from the EPA.  In 2014, she received not one but two Worst Actress Awards (in the same year!) from The Golden Raspberry — and then … she did Annie.  Honestly, suicide bombers have brighter career expectations than Cameron Diaz.

Eddie Murphy — Now, there was a funny guy.  He made us laugh on Saturday Night Live.  He made us roll off the sofa and pee our pants when he did his red leather Eddie Murphy Raw shtick.  Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop (1, 2 and, slightly, 3) The Nutty Professor, Doctor Doolittle — these are all funny movies.  Then Shrek and Fiona hove up on the horizon (for the record, Donkey is Eddie Murphy’s best role — ever.)  Unfortunately, since then, his career has gone down the toilet.  Take a look!  Since 2001, Eddie Murphy has given the world Pluto Nash, I Spy, Daddy Day Care, Norbit, Imagine That and A Thousand Words (a movie Rotten Tomatoes refused to rate above 0!)  This isn’t a creative slump — it’s a tsunami of godawful.  In 2010, The Golden Raspberry named Eddie Murphy The Worst Actor of the Decade (coincidentally, he beat out Mike Myers for that honour.)  Personally, I’d invest in Kodak, Enron and Blockbuster before I’d put my money into an Eddie Murphy movie.

Obviously, you don’t have to be Jerry Bruckheimer to figure out what’s going on here.  Shrek is cursed.  Clearly, Dreamworks has disturbed the Fairy Tale gods, and now Shrek, Fiona, Donkey and their real life personas must pay the price.  That’s what happened to Eddie Murphy.  Hollywood is cruel.

Netflix, You Ignorant Slut

netflixThere’s no way in hell Adam Sandler should be Adam Sandler.  He should be that guy you meet in Vegas who’s sellin’ patio furniture and Amway breast implants.  The same guy who wants to get together with “you and the Mrs.” to talk about franchising opportunities, and whose business card has ‘Notary Public’ printed on the back — ’cause he’s got that goin’ on, too.  In other words he should be just another cheap hustler who, once upon a time, was in some movies.  But he isn’t.  He’s Adam Sandler and, for no apparent reason, he’s still making movies. And he’s worth a boatload of money.  WTF?

It’s not as if Sandler was a good actor (comic or otherwise.)  Basically he’s got one, and only one, comedy shtick — Bad Little Kid.  The rest of his cinematic career is based on yelling, fart jokes and blatant product placement.  His production company, Happy Madison, makes terrible movies. That’s what they do; they don’t do anything else.  These horrors are too numerous to name but That’s My Boy, The Cobbler and Jack and Jill immediately come to mind.  Actually, Jack and Jill is considered one of the worst movies ever produced (in all of history) and what Sandler did to Al Pacino in that piece of trash oughtta be illegal.

The thing is, though, a lot of people go to Sandler’s movies.  They actually pay money — millions and millions of dollars — to see Sandler and his buddies yell, fart, drink Coke™, and eat KFC™.  I don’t know why, but they do.  In fact, Grownups (a study in very bad slapstick) was such a roaring financial success Sandler made another movie just like it — with the imaginative title Grownups 2 — and it made tons of money, also.

So, here’s the problem.  Even though, philosophically, I don’t think Adam Sandler should be allowed within 10 kilometres of a movie set, I’ve got nothing against him making bad movies or tons of money.  Knock yourself out, Mr. Sandler.  My problem is Netflix has signed a four-movie deal with the guy.  Netflix!  These are the folks who gave us River, Occupied, The Bridge (in Swedish) Dicte, Wallander, Broadchurch and on and on and on.  Now, you’re paying Adam Sandler to make movies for our viewing pleasure?  I wish sarcasm had a font.  OMG! — Netflix Originals — Grace and Frankie, Orange Is The New Black, Jessica Jones and right up there on the same marquee Adam Sandler’s latest comic adventure where somebody gets nailed in the crotch with a garden rake.  My cup runneth over.