Tag: Life

Aristotle Is Dead!

philosophyWe live in interesting times.  Half the people hate what’s going on in the world, half the people fear what’s going on in the world, and half the people haven’t got a clue what’s going on in the world.  And the biggest problem is nobody cares that these figures don’t add up to 100%.  Our standard response to such things is — ” Whatever!”  Two hundred years from now, anthropologists and historians (if there are any left) are going to look at our time with a combination of disbelief and WTF?  The only thing they’ll be able to agree on is that we’ve  abandoned Aristotle for a more Kardashian view of reality.  The fact is, most of the stuff we do here is the early days of the 21st century defies logic.  Here are a few examples.

Extended Warranties — There are two things going on when you buy an extended warranty.  One, you’re betting money that the thing you just purchased turns out to be a piece of junk; and two, if it doesn’t, you’ve just willingly paid for a very expensive handful of air.

Free Stuff — Nope!  Even though, like unicorns, we all know what this looks like, it doesn’t exist.  Everyone forgets that, unless your name is Aladdin, somebody/somewhere has to pay for the stuff  you’re presumably going to get for free — and it’s usually you. (BTW, why did you get singled out to get something for nothing in the first place?  Just because?)

Government Secrets/Conspiracies — Governments do not conduct their secret affairs at facilities that regularly appear on television documentaries.  Nor do they leave massive clues behind for any YouTuber with a pause button to find.  A good rule to remember is if you and all your friends have heard about it — it isn’t a secret.

Lotteries — Math, folks! Do the math!

Denying Climate Change — This is like believing in the existence of God — and Blaise Pascal got it right.  If we believe in Climate Change and it doesn’t exist — nothing happens.  However, if we don’t believe in Climate Change and it does exist — we’re totally screwed.

Corporate Greed — The sole purpose of any corporation is to earn money.  That’s the reason they exist — the only reason.  To get pissed off at corporations that generate profits (“excessive” is a subjective term) is like getting angry at your cat because it’s good at catching mice.

And finally:

Apple Logos — Spending a boatload of money for an item that does the exact same thing as another item — that’s sitting right beside it and costs half as much — defies all logic.  The only explanation is Apple isn’t a business; it’s a cult.

Ken Watt 1943 – 2018

When I was a kid, all the best stories started with “Once upon a time” and ended with “happily ever after.”  Most people call such stories fairy tales and say the real world doesn’t work that way.  Most people say the dragons are too dangerous, the fairy princesses all get old, and the armour, no matter how shiny, always turns to rust.  That’s what most people say.  But there are some people who, quite frankly, aren’t convinced that most people know what they’re talkin’ about.  I knew a man like that.  His name was Ken, and he married my sister.

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Ken was nobody’s saint.  In fact, given some of the stories I could tell, he wasn’t even a choirboy.  He was just an average guy.  He got up in the morning and went to work every day.  He did the best he could with what he had, and sometimes that wasn’t good enough.  He worried too much.  He raised his children without an Instruction Manual and loved his grandchildren just because.  On occasion, he was a round peg, trying desperately to fit into one of life’s unforgiving square holes — and on occasion, he didn’t try.  In short, Ken was remarkably ordinary — except he wasn’t.

Here’s the real story:

Once upon a time, my sister lived in a basement apartment.  It was cold and it was dark, and when it rained, it was as damp as a dungeon,  One day, a handsome knight drove up in a shiny blue pickup truck, and when he saw my sister, he held out his hand and said, “I have something I want you to see.”  And my sister came out of the basement and went with the handsome knight.  And sometime later, on a night so beautiful even the moon blushed behind the clouds, the handsome knight pointed to the sky and said, “I’m going there: the second star to the right and straight on ’til morning.  Will you come with me?”  And my sister said yes.  And for so many years, they travelled together, laughed and cried and played in the sunshine.  And when there were dragons, they slayed them, and when there were rainbows, they chased them, and when it was cold, they clung to each other against the wind.  And time on, later they had children who grew up and flourished and had children of their own.  And for my sister and her handsome knight summers and winters came and went.  And when there were dragons, they slayed them, and when there were rainbows, they chased them, and when it was cold, they clung to each other against the wind.  And for all their years, they lived happily ever after.

Out With The Old!

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It’s a brand new year, time to show a little healthy intolerance for all the crap that has somehow become cool in our world.  This is the stuff we all put up with for no apparent reason — even though most of it is just a pain in the ass.  Here’s a very short list to get started.  (And you’ll be surprised just how good it feels to finally overthrow the tyranny of the mob.)

Loudmouth Vegans — Nobody really cares what you eat (see item #2) but announcing what you won’t eat every five minutes is just being a self-righteous jerk.  Think about it: when a vegan comes to your house for dinner, you serve vegan, but when you go to a vegan’s house for dinner, they never bring out a steak.

Social Media Food Photos — Nobody really cares what you eat.

Selfies — Submitting photographic evidence that you don’t have any friends doesn’t make you interesting.

Tiny Houses — The sun is shining.  Leighton and Bryce are happy.  They just bought a 300 square foot (100 metre) house.  They’re going to live there.  Next winter when the fog, rain, snow, ice and wind come and they have to dismantle the kitchen every time they want to go to the toilet, Leighton and Bryce are going to kill each other.

Torn Clothes — Would somebody please tell rich, white people that the reason they can dress themselves in rags is there’s a bunch of kids in Bangladesh working 14 hours a day in penal servitude?

Roseanne — Resurrecting the Connor family is a gutsy cash grab, but here’s a news flash: the 90s are over, and Dan is dead.

Lena Dunham — She’s the first celebrity to make a career out of apologizing.  However, when she mentioned that she wished she’d had an abortion just so she could know how it feels — well — that kinda tells ya where her mind’s at.

Twitter — Boy, did that little bit of fun go to hell in a hurry!

Hashtag Everything — (see above)

Tattoos — The only reason these middleclass badges are still around is it hurts like hell to get rid of them.

Man Buns — The saddest fashion trend since Hammer Pants swept the neighbourhood.

And finally:

Wearable Apple Crap — Paying a ton of money for a watch that you can barely see — that tells you stuff 99.99% of the people on this planet don’t care about — is living proof that Mr. Barnum was right: there is a sucker born every minute.