Jerks & A**holes

jerksThere are three kinds of people in the world: regular folks, (that would be us) jerks and assholes.  We all recognize jerks and assholes.  They’re those people whose decision-making and social behaviour ruins the quality of life for everyone around them.  Yet they haven’t got a clue just how annoying they are.  They can be the girl on the bus, the guy behind the counter, a neighbour, even a friend — but these days, they’re everywhere.

At first glance, jerks and assholes might look and act in a similar manner; however, they are two different species.  Here’s a quick guide to help you sort them out.  (Although I have used the masculine pronoun throughout, there are an equal number of male and female jerks and assholes.  In fact, jerks and assholes practice 100% gender equality.)

At a restaurant, a jerk always leaves a miniscule tip.
An asshole always brags about the size of the tip he left, and then bitches about the service — after he’s left the restaurant.

A jerk will answer texts while he’s talking to you.
An asshole will stop you in mid sentence to show you the text.

A jerk doesn’t care what you think of him.
An asshole believes you think about him all the time.

A jerk will loudly explain why he’s an atheist to any Christian who crosses his path.
An asshole wants to discuss the Vatican’s position on pedophilia with your great aunt’s friend, retired Father Donnelly, aged 82.

At a coffee shop, a jerk asks any number of stupid questions but always ends up ordering a regular coffee.
An asshole will ask for some ingredient nobody’s ever heard of, be surprised that nobody’s ever heard of it, explain its significance to the  barista and end up ordering a regular coffee.  Then, after it’s poured he remembers he wanted decaf.

A jerk never cleans up after his dog.
An asshole scoops poop but leaves the bag under a tree.

At lunch, a jerk is constantly checking his phone.
An asshole has extended conversations.

A jerk laughs at his own jokes.
An asshole never laughs at anybody’s jokes.

A jerk is always late.
An asshole is always late.

You’re always nervous introducing your jerky friend to everybody.
You try to avoid introducing your asshole friend to anybody.

Individual Rights and Responsibilities

Anarchy has a way of convincing people that the discussion about individual rights and responsibilities isn’t over yet.  Kick in a store window or set a cop car on fire, and the first thing you know, academics are demanding room on the head of a pin to debate individual rights in a free society — with a side order of responsibilities.  Common knowledge says that everybody has rights — although they seem to be elastic in times of crisis.  We also agree that individual citizens have responsibilities to their greater society, but, oddly enough, nobody — right, left and centre — is willing (or able) to specify what they are.  However, like medieval priests, the learned people of our time keep jawing away as if there’s some kind of cosmic scale that can be balanced if we just get the correct combination.  Unfortunately, there is no cosmic scale where rights and responsibilities have equal measure.  Besides, the entire discussion is based on a fallacy.

Our modern concept of individual rights and freedoms comes from a group of gentleman farmers who had acres of slaves to do the actual agricultural work.  This gave them the cash and the leisure to read the ancient Greeks, John Locke and some trendy French philosophers.  They decided that men (women would have to wait) “were endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights.”  This idea had been around for a while, but for the first time, instead of just talking about it, these guys took musket in hand and started shooting.  When the smoke cleared, a bunch of North Americans were enjoying “life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”  The idea caught on, and the rest is recent history.

However, if we were to study these Virginians a little bit more diligently, we would discover what they already knew.  Human society is not based on individual rights.  It’s based on individual responsibilities.  They knew that; we’re the ones making the mistake.  Interestingly enough, one of the first crises of the new American government was a rebellion by western farmers who didn’t want to pay the excise tax on whiskey.  It was put down by force.  (Western alienation has been with us ever since.)  My point, of course, is America’s Founding Fathers understood that it’s the individual citizen’s responsibility to pay taxes — not his individual right to refuse — that is the cornerstone of polite society.

Way back in caveman days, when Grog and his family decided to share the warmth of their cave with other wandering Cro-Magnons the first grunting discussion was not about who got to sit by the fire.  It was who’s going to gather the wood.  Our low-brow ancestors came together in groups because all of us are smarter, stronger and better fed than one of us.  Society prospered because there’s safety in numbers.  More hunters, more mastodon — for everybody.  Besides, in those days, there was no such thing as a free lunch.  You had the right to live high on the mastodon if you went out and killed it — and dragged it home — for everybody.  The responsibility of feeding the group was there long before the right to eat.  As society progressed, these responsibilities were set down as commonly accepted tradition — as in: “We are the children of Grog, and we do things this way.  If you don’t like it, find another cave.”  It was a good arrangement.  Groups that maintained their common purpose not only survived but thrived.

Fast forward a bunch of evolutionary millennia.  Even though societies were centuries out of the cave their primo responsibility was still to the integrity of the group.  Only a strong group could guarantee an individuals’ right to eat, work and dream of better things.  Citizens who contributed to their society were protected by the group, and the more they contributed, the stronger the group became.  Plus the group protected the individual rights of everybody.  Traditions became laws which guys like Hammurabi wrote down, so everybody was clear that individuals had the responsibility to play nice with the neighbours, not the right to do as they pleased or disrupt the health, welfare or tranquillity of the group.  It’s what membership in the group meant.

Essentially, strong societies evolved because individuals dedicated themselves to the common purpose of preserving, protecting and enhancing everybody’s individual lives.  They understood the needs of the many outweigh Amtoph the drunkard’s right to play the lyre, at concert pitch, in the middle of the night.  They protected common folk from gangs of thieves running around the country, stealing chickens.  And they made sure those who couldn’t defend themselves were given a modicum of security to sleep easy in their beds.  The streets were kept reasonably safe from the most despicable among us, and for the next several centuries, strong societies flourished.  They went beyond hand to mouth subsistence to pursue the arts, science, medicine and technology — with tons of benefits — for all.

Fast forward again, to the middle of the 20th century.  Our society became so successful that the lessons of history from Grog the caveman to Jefferson and Madison became twisted.   Many amateur philosophers came to the unusual conclusion that individual rights supersede the needs of the rest of us.  They decided that, rather than keeping our collective society protected from those individuals who, for one reason or another, aren’t interested in the common good, we needed to use our considerable resources to protect the individual from our collective society.  Society itself became the bogeyman.  It’s a preposterous idea.  Unfortunately, it’s now taken hold so thoroughly that, while commentators still vaguely mention that citizens have responsibilities, no one seems to have a clue what they are.  Prevailing wisdom feels that, if we increase our responsibility, we naturally lose some of our rights, and vice versa: that increasing our rights diminishes our responsibility.  This is the way the discussion goes these days; whereas society’s natural path, which has worked ever since Grog got feeling hospitable one cold night, is individual rights can only increase when individuals take responsibility for the common good.

Meanwhile we, as citizens, keep missing the point and demanding our rights, and they’re dissolving all around us like sugar in the rain.

You’re NOT entitled to your opinion!

One of the most enduring myths of our time is “Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.”  People tend to believe this because it’s been repeated so many times and it kinda sounds good.  It’s sort of like saying we’re all in this together or some other such egalitarian nonsense.  Unfortunately, regardless of how many times you say it, it’s still a myth.  In fact, it’s an out-and-out lie.  In reality, “Everybody is entitled to their own opinion” is just the Happy Face version of the end of the argument when everybody wants to change the subject but nobody knows how.  Essentially, it’s cocktail party code for “You’re a jerk, but I’m tired.”  The problem is that tons of people think it’s actually true.  They believe that everybody’s two-bit opinion (mostly their own) can share the stage with everybody else’s.  They’re the folks we know who are constantly traveling on the Stupid Train and then telling the rest of us all about the journey.  This kind of thinking has caused no end of problems in our society.  So, for everybody’s benefit, let’s just take a moment to shoot this myth in the head and bury it in the backyard.

The whole thing started when somebody who wasn’t all that bright, got confused.  He made the mistake of thinking equal rights actually meant “equal.”  This is another myth for another time, but here’s the Twitter version.  Alex Ovechkin is a better hockey player than I am; therefore, we are not equals.  Nobel Prize winner Seamus Heaney is a better writer than I am; therefore, we are not equals.  (This goes on and on but you get the idea.)  We have equal rights, equal opportunity, equal everything else — but we are not actually equal.  Opinions work the same way.  Seamus Heaney might have an opinion about the “left wing lock” in hockey, but quite frankly, I’d go with Ovechkin on that one.  Heaney is a pretty smart guy but his opinion about hockey is useless.  In any hypothetical conversation with me or Alex Ovechkin, he’s not entitled to an opinion because he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  It’s that simple.

All kinds of people think they are entitled to an opinion when they don’t know anything about a situation.  For example, if your toilet is plugged, you don’t call your lawyer and ask her for advice.  She’ll probably tell you to sue American Standard (which isn’t going to do you very much good in the short term.)  In this situation, you want the opinion of a plumber.  Your lawyer, no matter how exceptional she might be at wills, contracts or business law, is not entitled to render an opinion about your plumbing.  In fact, if she did she’d have to sue herself for negligence — on your behalf — and just think how much money that’s going to cost you.  I’m constantly amazed at the number of people out there who offer their opinions on subjects they know nothing about and then proudly defend themselves because they think they’re entitled to them.  And that’s not all.

There’s a misunderstanding these days that if you work or play in an industry, you have some kind of all-purpose, intuitive expertise.  For instance, I don’t know how many times I’ve heard doctors yakking on about our medical system (both for and against.)  Are you kidding me?  That’s like the guy who makes your latte at Starbucks telling you how to run a coffee plantation.  “Hey! Dr. Do Little!  Just exactly when in med school did they teach you construction cost analysis and labour relations?”  If I want my appendix out, I’m going to see a doctor.  If I want to build a hospital, I’m going to go to a construction company.  The plain fact is that — unless you can back your opinion up with cold, hard evidence — you’re not entitled to it.  I don’t care if you’re a doctor, a lawyer or a Knight of the Round Table.

Here’s what I mean.  It is my opinion that penguins are green.  Everybody knows that the only people who can actually say this are allegorical artists and people who have just eaten most of their crayons.  I offer no evidence to support my claim.  I’m not a zoologist.  I don’t live in Antarctica.  I’ve only seen black and white penguins a couple of times.  But it’s my opinion that penguins are green.  Why — under any circumstances known to me, man or penguin — am I entitled to this opinion?  Just because?  What rational, reasonable (Hell — unreasonable) argument can anybody put forth to support this as a valid opinion, deserving consideration?

Nobody distinguishes between opinion and informed opinion anymore.  The greatest minds of our time are being lumped in with rock stars and actresses.  I’m not saying celebrities are stupid, but honestly, the ability to cry on cue isn’t the kind of talent we should be looking for to drive our decision-making.  There are a whole pile of people wandering around labouring under the misconception that if Ted down the street comes up with some homemade theory of economic development, it’s just as good as the experts’ at the University of Chicago.  It’s not.  We need to get nasty and tell these folks they’re sucking pond water.  And while we’re at it, we might want to tell some of the Teds of this world to “Sit down and shut up!”

Of course, all this is just my opinion.