These days, it’s much easier to bury Caesar than to praise him, and even though I like to think I’m a better person than that – I’m not. Given the opportunity, I’m right in there, shovelling the dirt with everybody else. So it was with a little bit too much glee that I noticed there’s going to be A Royal Event on March 7th. Buckle up, boys and girls, because the Queen of Jell-o Journalism, Oprah Winfrey, has granted an audience to the Queen of Southern California, Meghan Markle. Not since Henry VIII of England met Francis I of France on the Field of The Cloth of Gold in June 1520 has there been this much Royal star power in one place at one time. In fact, there’s a danger that the San Andreas Fault may buckle under the weight of their combined egos. But, what an occasion! In a more civilized time, there’d be jousting and jugglers, puppet shows and magicians, minstrels and at least a dozen suckling pigs. Unfortunately, the 21st century is a dark, joyless age, so, we’ll have to settle for two women talking (more about that later.) However, I do not exaggerate when I speculate that over a billion people will tune into this regal — uh – conversation.
Wow! This is a match made in celebrity heaven. Meghan Markle, former suitcase girl on Howie Mandel’s Deal or No Deal, gets to sit on the same sofa that Tom Cruise bounced up and down on. And even though, before May 19, 2018 Winfrey wouldn’t have given Markle, the second banana on a 3rd rate TV show, the time of day (never mind a spot on the vaunted Oprah sofa) Meghan’s the one who’s going to help Ms. Winfrey kick that little upstart Ellen off the top of the TV ratings pyramid.
Of course, the actual television show won’t be anything special. The two women will trot out the usual suspects — how difficult it is to be filthy rich, how the media (present company excluded) are a bunch of dicks, how the Royal Family were unreasonable and why — as a mother — Markle just wants to give her children a normal life. (On that last point, when you can rent Disneyland for your kid’s birthday party, that “normal” ship has kinda sailed.) Anyway, Winfrey will call Markle “brave” a couple of times, she’ll share a cute anecdote from the wedding and maybe squeeze out a tear or two. Then, they’ll take a break … “And when we come back, Prince Harry will join the conversation.” WHAT? That’s right! For the first half of the program, Harry isn’t even going to be there! He’s going to be cooling his heels, nice boy, in the Green Room. Frankly, I’m not surprised. After all, it would be totally out of character for Meghan Markle to share the spotlight of her magical moment on Oprah with anybody else – including the guy who got her there.
In the end, they’ll all agree that, despite the horribly hard row Mr. And Mrs. Mountbatten-Windsor have had to hoe, they are just an ordinary couple who want to shun the public eye (Yeah! That’s why you’re on Oprah!) and have a normal life. Oprah will give everybody in the studio audience a diamond tiara. “You get a tiara! You get a tiara! You get a tiara! Everybody gets a tiara!” Both brands, Harpo and Archewell, will get a kick up the Social Media ladder; both PR entourages will do some high fives; and everyone will go home happy with a job well done.
Meanwhile, however, in a dark corner of the cutthroat world of Daytime TV, Ellen, the nastiest sycophant on the planet, will be beating the bejesus out of her producers, screaming “What the hell am I paying you for? Those two cash cows should have been mine!”