Tune In To The Truth

tune in

We all think we know ourselves pretty well, and for the most part, that’s true.  However, since we can only look at ourselves from the inside, sometimes we don’t see the whole picture.  This is when the stylized version of our own private reality doesn’t quite match what the rest of the world sees.  Luckily, people around us are willing to set the record straight — and frequently do.  Here are a few example of how the world can tune us in to the truth.

You know you’re fat when people ask if you’ve lost weight. (Nobody ever says that to a skinny person.)

You know you’re a computer geek when the hot girl in accounting (who has never spoken to you before) leans over your desk and casually says, “Do you know anything about email?”

You know you’re old when people start saying, “Age is only a number.”

You know you’re not actually a valued customer when the auto-voice on the telephone says, “Your call is important to us.”

You know you’re rich when the car dealer doesn’t say, “So, how much were you thinking of spending?”  But you know you’re poor when the kid behind the counter at McDonald’s does.

You know you’re screwed when your lawyer says, “I’m a Sagittarius with Virgo rising.  What’s your sign?”

You know you wasted your time at university when the most common question at work is “Do I get fries with that?”

You know you’re beautiful when nobody talks about your personality.

You know you’re tall when strangers ask you about basketball.

You know sex is basically over when somebody says, “Ewww!”

You know you’re a pain in the ass when your family, friends, co-workers and neighbours all say, “Yes, I know you’re a vegan.”

You know the first date isn’t going well when the person you’re with asks for the server’s phone number – and gets it.

You know your explanation wasn’t good enough when the policeman says, “I’m going to need you to step out of the vehicle, ma’am.”

You know you’ve just asked a stupid question when somebody says, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

And finally:

You know your life is about to change when the stranger at your door is carrying a suitcase and says, “Hi, my name is Brenda Sue.  You met me at a party 8 to 10 weeks ago?”

People I Feel Sorry For!

I Feell Sorry

There are tons of people in this world I truly feel sorry for — and not just the usual suspects, either.  I feel sorry for those folks who never get to ride the sympathy train — people, who, for one reason or another, have been neglected by the caring/sharing 21st century.  For example, nobody ever feels sorry for Vladimir Putin, but can you imagine how disheartening it must be to wake up every morning and realize you’re still Vladimir Putin?  See what I mean?  Anyway, here are just a few folks I feel sorry for – and why!

I feel sorry for atheists because…

They have nothing to say when somebody sneezes.
They have nothing to scream when they’re having great sex.
And they have no one to appeal to when they’re scared shitless.

I feel sorry for rich people because…

When you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, Christmas and birthdays must be a total disappointment.
They never get super-psyched when they find money under the cushions of the sofa or in a pair of old jeans they were going to give to charity.
They never get to sit around and imagine how cool it would be to win the lottery.

I feel sorry for joggers because…

They have to go outside in the cold, the wind, the rain and all kinds of crappy weather — when sensible people have just said, “To hell with it” and curled up with a good book.
They must spend hours and hours trying to figure out how to work jogging into every conceivable conversation.
They’re the ones who always find the dead bodies.

I feel sorry for Californians because…

When people want to sound brainless, they always fake that “whatever” Valley Girl accent.
Half their state is asphalt and the other half is on fire — so how much fun can that be?
One of these days, a massive earthquake is going to come along and kill them all.

I feel sorry for sensitive men because…

Even though all the girls tell the world that you’re exactly the kinda guy they’re looking for, chances are good that the minute some bad boy comes along, you’re going to get dumped into the “friend zone.”
Every time your girlfriend says “What are you thinking?” you’ve got to scramble to come up with something — even though the only thing playing in your head is Vader’s Theme from Star Wars!
You have to spend your entire life pretending that you forgot you have testosterone.

I feel sorry for the British Royal Family because…

They always have be in a good mood and never get to just lose it and start swearing at strangers who annoy them.
They can never excuse themselves to go to the toilet.  They have to hold it – sometimes for hours.
Every moron in the world can criticize them, call them names and say they’re useless — and they can’t do anything about it.

I feel sorry for millennials because…

They have to use words like “re-gifting” and “tasking” and “self-care” — which make them all sound like complete idiots.
It must be very discouraging to spend every day rediscovering that you’re not the centre of the universe.
All the other generations think they’re assholes.

But mostly:

I feel sorry for smart people because…

They have to work twice as hard as everybody else to find an interesting movie on Netflix.
They actually understand how totally screwed the world really is.
They have to start a blog to find other smart people to talk to.

5 Types Of People (Plus 1)

peopleIdiots and the Internet are always yipping about how every person on the planet is different and we’re all unique in our own way. What a load of trash!  There are only six types of people in this world.  There might be a lot of combinations and some subtle variations, but in the end, there are really only six.  And they are:

I’m a lover — You never know where you stand with these people.  They love everything!  If you invited them to dinner and serve mud, they say “OMG!  This is the best mud I’ve ever had.  Can you please, please, please give me your recipe?”  These folks are so cheerful you just want to swat them.  And you know — YOU KNOW — they go home at night, wipe that painted smile off their face and throw things at the cat.

I’m a fighter — These are people who are never actually pissed off, but they’re never actually happy, either.  They exist in a kind of twilight zone of irritation.  They’re always pointing out things that bother them — from the guy in the elevator who smelled like fish to the size of Kylie Minogue’s teeth.  They get a lot of traffic tickets — “for no reason” and constantly talk about what they’re going to do to their boss, their neighbours or their in-laws the next time they step out of line.  These people who are always looking for a fight, but they never quite get there.

I have a problem — These are the people who walk the Earth in a state of perpetual difficulty.  They’re constantly being set upon by unusual circumstances and have only one coping mechanism — “I just got screwed!”  When they file their income tax, the paperwork always gets lost.  When they go to the doctor, she can never figure out what’s wrong with them.  There’s usually a vague legal situation looming in the background and some kind of financial problem that never gets fixed.  These folks spend their entire lives “running a little late” because they can’t find their keys, a cab, their phone, their kids, the TV remote or … God, the list just goes on and on and on!

You have a problem — These are the folks who think personal responsibility is something other people need to understand.  They play the Blame Game like it’s an Olympic event — and they’re goin’ for the Gold!  It’s not that they’re never wrong; it’s just that there is always somebody, somewhere, who’s wronger than they are.

I’m smarter than you — There are two kinds of “I’m smarter than you” people.  There are the obvious ones who let you know right away, and then there are the other assholes.  They’re the ones who wait in the weeds until you make a mistake and then leap up and tell you exactly what you should have done and, more importantly, what they would have done if only they’d been in charge.

And finally:

I’m a selfish bastard — Ironically, these are the best people to have as friends, colleagues and romantic partners.  First of all, they hang around because they want to.  Secondly, they have no hidden agenda (selfish bastards!)  Thirdly, by definition you’re never going to be disappointed in them and finally, the biggie: when they do something nice — they actually mean it.