Some People . . .

crowdPeople are wonderful creatures.  They come in infinite varieties, and just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they come up with something completely different and surprise you.  It’s no wonder so many psychiatrists need therapy.  I’ve studied people (informally) most of my life, and I’ve arrived at a few interesting conclusions.

Some people are not supposed to swear.  I’m not talking about nuns or like that; I’m talking about the folks who don’t get it right.  The ones who are trying way too hard to sound badass, and it just comes out weird.  It’s as if they saw the words in a book and looked up the pronunciation.  (Adding the final “g” is always a dead giveaway.)

Some people stink.  No, not poor personal hygiene — that’s different.  These are the folks who apply fragrance like it’s a contest.  The ones who leave that tinny taste in your mouth when they walk past you.

Some people can’t tell a good story.  They start off alright, but then they wander all over the place, trying to explain every detail.  So, what begins as a quick-and-dirty about getting caught in the cat-door fades away — finally — ten minutes later, somewhere in Michigan, riding in Uncle Benny’s green ’82 Pontiac.

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink.  Sad people, angry people, touchy/feely people, people who cry a lot, but mostly those people who have one glass of wine and act like they’re auditioning for a Seth Rogen movie.

Some people shouldn’t be parents.  We all know who those people are.

Some people work for the government.  These are the people who know all the rules, what documents you need and what forms you have to fill out, but they take a perverse pleasure in keeping all that information secret for as long as possible.

Some people don’t own a mirror.  There’s no other logical explanation.  Why would anybody (who can see themselves) go out in public wearing an electric-pink angora sweater, matching hat, Daisy Duke short shorts and lumberjack work boots?

But my favourite is:

Some people aren’t all that smart.  This isn’t a problem; it’s just a fact.  The problem is the rest of us are too scared to mention it because of — uh — Stupid Shaming? — or some other such nonsense.  The result is the world is full of stupid people, running around doing stupid stuff, and we all have to act like we don’t notice.

We’re All In This Together

There’s been a lot of yipping lately about how divided our society has become.  These days,  everyone is painfully aware of what this particular group thinks or that particular group does or how some other group will react or get pissed off or … on and on and on.  Bullshit!  I don’t care how people identify themselves or what they think makes them different from everybody else, because the bottom line is — they aren’t — and I can prove it.


Here’s a simple test.

If you’ve done any one of these 10 things (11 if you’re female) you’re living proof that, way down deep in the human psyche, we’re all the same — just a bunch of ordinary folk, trying to get by.

1 — You hear a recording of your voice and think, “Wow, that is so-o-o weird.  Do I really sound like that?”

2 — You see someone you kinda know but not very well, and you pretend you don’t recognize them so you don’t have to make conversation.

3 — When you’re alone and a popular old song comes on the radio, you mumble most of the words until the chorus comes along and then you sing really loud.

4 — At a party with varying degrees of background noise, you smile a lot and “ha-ha-ha” laugh because you can’t actually hear what the other person is saying.

5 — Somebody says, “That was 10 years ago” and you’re thinking the 1990s, not 2006.

6 — You silently pronounce Wednesday as Wed-Ness-Day and February as Feb-Brew-Airy when you write them.

7 — You spend $20.00 extra at Amazon, for something you don’t really want, just to avoid paying the $8.00 shipping charge.

8 — You remember a stupid thing you did —  like — 12 years ago and get embarrassed all over again.

9 — You get out of the shower, see yourself naked in the mirror and go Supermodel for a nanosecond.

10 — When James Bond says, “My name is Bond, James Bond.” — you just read that in his voice, didn’t you?

And finally, for women only:

11 — At some point in your life, you’ve laughed so hard you peed your pants.