Aristotle Is Dead!

philosophyWe live in interesting times.  Half the people hate what’s going on in the world, half the people fear what’s going on in the world, and half the people haven’t got a clue what’s going on in the world.  And the biggest problem is nobody cares that these figures don’t add up to 100%.  Our standard response to such things is — ” Whatever!”  Two hundred years from now, anthropologists and historians (if there are any left) are going to look at our time with a combination of disbelief and WTF?  The only thing they’ll be able to agree on is that we’ve  abandoned Aristotle for a more Kardashian view of reality.  The fact is, most of the stuff we do here is the early days of the 21st century defies logic.  Here are a few examples.

Extended Warranties — There are two things going on when you buy an extended warranty.  One, you’re betting money that the thing you just purchased turns out to be a piece of junk; and two, if it doesn’t, you’ve just willingly paid for a very expensive handful of air.

Free Stuff — Nope!  Even though, like unicorns, we all know what this looks like, it doesn’t exist.  Everyone forgets that, unless your name is Aladdin, somebody/somewhere has to pay for the stuff  you’re presumably going to get for free — and it’s usually you. (BTW, why did you get singled out to get something for nothing in the first place?  Just because?)

Government Secrets/Conspiracies — Governments do not conduct their secret affairs at facilities that regularly appear on television documentaries.  Nor do they leave massive clues behind for any YouTuber with a pause button to find.  A good rule to remember is if you and all your friends have heard about it — it isn’t a secret.

Lotteries — Math, folks! Do the math!

Denying Climate Change — This is like believing in the existence of God — and Blaise Pascal got it right.  If we believe in Climate Change and it doesn’t exist — nothing happens.  However, if we don’t believe in Climate Change and it does exist — we’re totally screwed.

Corporate Greed — The sole purpose of any corporation is to earn money.  That’s the reason they exist — the only reason.  To get pissed off at corporations that generate profits (“excessive” is a subjective term) is like getting angry at your cat because it’s good at catching mice.

And finally:

Apple Logos — Spending a boatload of money for an item that does the exact same thing as another item — that’s sitting right beside it and costs half as much — defies all logic.  The only explanation is Apple isn’t a business; it’s a cult.

I Wish I’d Said That!

ideaAs I get older, I realize a ton of people are a lot smarter than I am.  When I look at the world (even wearing my rose-coloured glasses) mostly all I see is benign chaos.  However, some people can look through all that and see where the little bits of truth are hiding.  These are the folks who instantly grasp an idea, distill it down to a single sentence, flip it onto their tongues and then effortlessly blend it into the conversation.  I know envy is one of the 7 Deadly Sins, but, for all the world, I envy these people ’cause on the rare occasions when I do that, I spend the rest of the day walking just a little taller.  Here are some examples and each one, when read carefully, demonstrates some serious understanding of the world we live in.

Journalism largely consists of saying “Lord Jones is dead,” to people who didn’t know he was alive.
G.K. Chesterton

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.
Charles Pierce

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Ann Landers

It’s dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks for a funeral.
H.L. Mencken

The trouble with her is she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw

A critic is a man who knows the way but can’t drive the car.
Kenneth Tynan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas

It was as stupid as taking a cauldron and a broom to a witch hunt.
Najira Olsen

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
A.H. Miller

Do you realize that, if it weren’t for Edison, we’d be watching television by candlelight?
Al Boliska

It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.
Jean Rostand

Love thy neighbour as thyself, but choose your neighbourhood.
Louise Beal

The average person thinks he isn’t.
L. Lorenzoni

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.
Hansell Duckett

We’re all in this alone.
Lily Tomlin

Where did I find the time to not read so many books?
Karl Krause

A fair fight is the one you win.
French Foreign Legion

And that greatest philosopher of them all — Anonymous

Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nobody would get anything done.

Whoever said “money can’t buy happiness,” didn’t know where to shop.

No one ever bets enough money on a winning horse.

If you talk to God, you’re praying.  If God talks to you, you’re nuts.



Despite what philosophers and college sophomores try to tell you, Truth is not an elusive beast.  It’s not some shy chimera, hiding in a morally ambiguous forest, feeding on tender buds of nuance and leafy shoots of supposition.  It’s not semantically ambivalent.  It’s not coloured in a million shades of grey.  It’s not a matter of opinion.  Nope! None of the above!  Truth is real.  It’s big.  It’s bold.  It’s etched in stone.  And I can prove it.  Here are some hardcore facts — no ifs, buts, or maybes.  This is Truth, and it’s happening all around us.

The square of the hypotenuse (the side opposite the right angle) is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.

There are three kinds of people in the world — those who understand math and those who don’t.

Your family always knows which buttons to push because they installed them.

Rock Bottom has a basement.

Paris is always a good idea.

The distance between loser and lover is sometimes measured in tequila.

Pregnant women are smug.

If you keep your clothes long enough, they might eventually come back into style — but by the time they do, they won’t fit.

A low-cut neckline beats a bad hair day every time.

The probability of red wine getting spilled on white carpet is directly related to the cost of the carpet, not the cost of the wine.

The only birthdays that actually matter are 18, 21, 40, 50 and 60.

And my favourite:

Everybody wants a sensitive man until the sonofabitch actually shows up.