Month: March 2018

Stuff We Need To Remember

remember

I know dis-remember is not a word (hyphenated or otherwise) but it should be.  We all know the stuff we learned growing up is true.  It has to be.  It got us this far.  However, as comfortable adults, we tend to forget those little life lessons and just go with the flow.  These days that means trying to navigate between the 1,001 feel-good flavours of Facebook and that horde of snarling Twitter trolls who are always out for blood.  It’s a dangerous journey — go too far one way and you’ll die of sugar shock; go too far the other and they’ll tear you to ribbons.  So, here are a few things most of us have dis-remembered over the years but that we all need — just to keep an even keel in this world.

Saying You’re Sorry Doesn’t Actually Do Anything — There are tons of people who believe “sorry” is a universal talisman that cures all evil.  It isn’t.  In fact, most times it’s just a quick and dirty way for people to apologize themselves out from underneath any responsibility — after the fact.  Try this simple experiment.  Step on a bug.  Now, say you’re “sorry.”  Who feels better?  You or the bug?

It’s Not Illegal To Say Yes — Here in the 21st century, it’s hard to believe — but pessimism is not the natural order of things.  Sometimes good stuff does happen in our world, and there’s nothin’ we can do about it!  People who are constantly trying to find the dark cloud surrounding the silver lining are not profound; they’re just intellectually lazy.

Everybody Is Judgemental And Anyone Who Says They Aren’t Is Lying — We all judge; that is the natural order of things.  We assess our surroundings — from the woman who looks like Home Depot did her makeup to the guy who walks as if he’s got a stick stuck somewhere uncomfortable — and we catalogue the results.  The bottom line is the only creature on this planet who’s never going to judge you is your dog, so if you can’t function without unconditional support, buy a good bra and orthopedic shoes.

There’s Always A Dick Out There Somewhere — On the day you discover you can walk on water, there’s definitely going to be somebody who wants to talk about why you can’t swim!

But I’ve saved the best for last:

The Human Body Has A Best Before Date — Despite what cosmetic companies, fitness companies and a few of our vainer friends tell us, at some point we’re all going to lose our battle with gravity.  Eventually, the good bits of even the hottest body all start their journey back to Mother Earth — with various saggy, baggy results.  Just because our culture is psychotically obsessed with youth, there’s nothing wrong with that.  We all need to remember: the best any of us is ever going to do is surrender slowly.

The Irish Don’t Drink — Much

beer

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, the one day a year when everybody wants to be Irish!  Which is interesting — given that Irish history is a litany of famine, conquest, rebellion, exploitation, betrayal, some more famine, mass emigration, civil war, bombings, assassination, another famine, whiskey, guns, God, and a particularly vigorous branch of the Catholic Church.  (But that’s a story for another time.)  Personally, I think most people celebrate St. Paddy’s Day because they’ve have been sucked in by the myth that the Irish drink a lot, and they just want to get in on some of the action.  I have no idea where the world got the impression that Ireland is basically 5 million alcoholics, clinging to a rock in the north Atlantic — I’m looking at you, Hollywood — but it just isn’t true.  And today’s as good a day as any to shoot that fairy tale in the head and bury it in the back garden.

Disclaimer: I’ve been known to throw back an adult beverage or two in my time, so I cast no aspirations on any country, region, ethnic or religious group — and if they’re eagerly offended, it’s their own damn fault!

No, the Irish are not the biggest drinkers in the world.  (They aren’t even in the top ten.)  According to no less an authority that the British media outlet The Telegraph, the biggest boozers on Earth are the good citizens of Belarus.  I’ve never been to Belarus, but I’ve seen bits of it on TV and quite frankly — I’d drink, too.  After that, the top ten have all the usual suspects — Lithuania (#3), Russia (#4), Romania (#5), Ukraine (#6) — and a couple of surprises, Moldova (#2) and Andorra (#7.)  I have no idea where Moldova is, but I assume it’s a scrubby little country east of the Balkans, and Andorra is basically a handful of mountains stuck between France and Spain.  Quite frankly, if I was sitting on a mountain, looking at the politics of those two, I’d be tempted to pull a cork or three — and that’s exactly what goes on in that part of the Pyrenees.  It turns out, that, per capita, the folks in Andorra drink more wine than anyone else on the planet.  However, they’re not that far ahead of #2, Vatican City, which, coincidently, also has more priests per square centimetre than anywhere else in the world — which probably makes “morning after” confession a piece of cake.  The other weird one in the top ten list of wine drinkers is the Falkland Islands — although it’s not surprising.  After all, what do you do in the Falklands?  Watch the wind blow and hope to hell it isn’t full of Argentineans — again?

Actually, the only place Ireland even figures into the top ten of drinking anything is beer.  However, they’re only #7 — substantially behind the Czech Republic (#1) and another couple of rowdies, the Seychelles (#2) and Namibia (#5.) The Seychelles are about 100 strips of sand, half- submerged in the Indian Ocean, so I imagine there are a ton of drunken tourists upping their numbers — but Namibia?  Good, bad or indifferent, Namibia normally never comes up on the panel.  About the only thing I can say, with any confidence, about Namibia is they drink beer — a lot more than the Irish.

So tomorrow, if you feel the need, have a Green Beer or a Guinness or whatever your pleasure, but if you want to sop hops with the big boys, wait a couple of days until March 21st.  That’s Namibia’s Independence Day, and the truth is those folks know how to drink!

The Television Cure

remote-controlWe live in a complicated world.  There are any number of hairy, scary ooglies out there, trying to do us harm.  External germs, internal neuroses, the dolt down the block with his motorcycle — it just never ends.  Luckily, I’ve been around for a few decades now, and I’ve discovered that just about anything can be fixed with television.  Think about it!  When you were a kid and you got sick, what did your mom, dad or legal guardian give you to make you feel better?  A day off school and full control of the TV remote.  Parenting was a lot easier in those days, but it must have worked ’cause you’re still here.  So, with that in mind, let’s take a look at a few other ways to cope with these troubled times.  (BTW, for some of the bigger problems, we’ve added alcohol to the mix.)

Stress (Men) — Any television game that involves a ball — and beer.

Stress (Women) — Braless, red wine, chocolate and back-to-back-to-back Kate Winslet movies

The Common Cold — Mad Men and mimosas. It will dry the snotties, make you feel better about your lot in life, and the orange juice will give you a jolt of vitamin C.  (Plus, it kinda drags in the middle, so you might fall asleep.)

The Flu — Chicken soup and Daytime TV.  Trust me!  Bob Barker, The People’s Court and Days Of Our Lives have done more for the general health of this world that any pharmaceutical company.

Depression — Any recent Ben Affleck film.  Seriously, if that guy can succeed in this world, your sorry ass shouldn’t have any problems.

Road Rage — Game Of Thrones!  The worst commute in the world doesn’t hold a candle to what those poor bastards have been going through — for 7 years!

Procrastination — Lost!  This pointless piece of junk goes so far sideways that eventually you’ll just walk away and do anything — ANYTHING! — rather than watch another minute.

And finally:

A Broken Heart — Pizza, red wine, baggy pajamas and a weekend binge of Ryan Gosling movies.  For really serious breakups, throw in a couple of Ryan Reynolds movies and a tub of Rocky Road ice cream.