Being an adult is hard work. It’s a lot more than just alcohol and porno privileges. That’s why a lot of us try to remain kids for as long as possible. However, for good or for evil, it’s inevitable — and nobody wants to be a considered a petulant teenager all their life. (We all know that person, don’t we?) So, here are some tips to let you know when you have, indeed, finally become an adult.
When you realize you’re never going to win another argument with the over-the-shoulder shout “I didn’t ask to be born!”
When you bring your lunch to work to save money and somebody eats it and it dawns on you that some people are just assholes and there’s nothing you can do about it.
When you understand taking a nap in the afternoon is a secret pleasure — not a punishment.
When having an adventure means finding something decent to wear on laundry day.
When you spend a lot of time, energy and (sometimes) money to get dressed up for a special occasion, and five minutes into it you realize it’s crap and you’ve missed Two-For-One Taco Tuesday – again.
When it takes more time to get over sex than it did to have it.
When you spend less time talking about the party and more time talking about the hangover you got from it.
When farts are no longer funny and have become a serious matter of trust.
When there’s only one person who knows exactly where to scratch in the middle of your back, and if you divorce them – you’re screwed.
When you discover some people actually believe the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are real and there’s nothing you can do or say that will change their mind.
When that bone you broke in 3rd grade comes back to haunt you.
When you buy two extra doughnuts and eat them in the car on the way home because you don’t want to share.
When you realize your interest in Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest Goop device or Meghan Markle’s opinion of the Royal Family is entirely dependent on whether or not your toilet is flushing properly.
When you finally comprehend that you’re the one who has to figure out what to eat for dinner – from now on – every night – until you die.
When it becomes obvious that algebra was a scam.
When you discover mean people don’t get punished for calling you nasty names.
When suddenly, for no apparent reason, all the cops are younger than you are.
When you realize there’s no law that says you have to clean behind the refrigerator.
And finally, two of the best:
When the age inside your head is lower than the one on the calendar.
When you completely grasp the fact that the essentials of a happy life have nothing to do with your job, your apartment or your car but are actually intimately connected to warm socks, good sex and Tupperware.
We live in dangerous times. These days, everybody’s looking over their shoulder for the ominous shadow of cancel culture. Anything you say, can and will be used against you — with disastrous consequences. And it’s impossible to know what is and what is not acceptable. For example, last month, Mr. Potato Head was just a toy (a pretty lame one, actually.) Now, it’s a sexist symbol of exclusion and oppression. (BTW, you might think your life is crap right now, but it’s never going to be as crappy as the lives of people who are worried about the gender of a plastic potato.) Anyway, not since the Reign of Terror have so many, been so frightened, by the opinions of so few. But it’s real! People are losing their jobs for not toeing the politically correct line. One woman made an insensitive Tweet, went to sleep, woke up in the morning and discovered she’d already been fired.
But help is on the way. Here is a quiz that will assist you in navigating the minefield that is contemporary culture. Each statement is either true or false – you have to figure out which. The answers are at the end. You get one (1) point for every correct answer and minus five (5) for every wrong one. (That’s the way politically correct works!) Then multiply your score by 5 and that’s your “woke” percentage. Be honest, good luck — and if you use Google, you’re already screwed.
1 — A Star Trek super-fan was told his personalized license plates “ASIMIL8” (“Assimilate,” catchphrase of the Borg) was being recalled because it represented cultural genocide and was offensive to indigenous people.
2 — Speaking of Star Trek, the first press release for Star Trek Voyager described Security Officer Tuvok as an “African American Vulcan.”
3 — The term YOLO (You Only Live Once) has been deemed offensive to Hindus and other religions that believe in reincarnation.
4 — Advertisers are replacing the word “pyjamas” with “sleepwear” to avoid charges of cultural appropriation because the word “pyjamas” was borrowed during the British colonization of India.
5 — A local city council in the UK has banned the term “brainstorming” because it is offensive to people with epilepsy.
6 — Shanghai DisneyLand has removed all references to Winnie the Pooh so as not to offend the people of China.
7 – A number of universities have banned clapping at all public performances because that might trigger anxiety in nervous people.
8 — Transvestites have been banned from Gay Pride parades because they’re considered offensive to true transgender people.
9 – The word “hysterical” is unacceptable because it is derived from the Greek word for uterus.
10 — There is a claim that calling someone “exotic” has “nasty racial overtones” and is a micro-aggression.
11 — The Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, once corrected a woman audience member for saying “mankind” by saying, “We like to say peoplekind, not necessarily mankind. It’s just more inclusive.” and was accused of mansplaining.
12 — The standard size of chairs in arenas, auditoriums, airplanes and classrooms is considered a micro-aggression against people who are overweight.
13 — The word therapist is being replaced with counselor or analyst to avoid subconsciously triggering people who may have been sexually assaulted.
14 – Now that “heart attack” has been replaced with “cardiac event,” the acceptable term for fatal heart attack is “life-limiting experience.”
15 — In many jurisdictions, the term police force has been changed to police service because the word force is considered too confrontational.
16 – Some universities have stopped using trigger warnings because there is concern that warning students about offensive material might actually trigger emotional distress.
17 — “Long time, no see” and “No can do” are unacceptable because they mock the English dialect of 19th century Asian American immigrants.
18 – The name of the string instrument mandolin has been changed to Italian lute to be more inclusive and reflect that both men and women play it.
19 — Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations is under pressure to remove “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” because it’s sexist to suggest that women are more vindictive than men.
20 — An advertisement for exercise bicycles, featuring a man (presumably a husband or boyfriend) giving a woman an exercise bicycle as a Christmas gift, was pulled off TV for being overtly sexist.
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ANSWERS
1 — A Star Trek super-fan was told his personalized license plates “ASIMIL8” (“Assimilate,” catchphrase of the Borg) was being recalled because it represented cultural genocide and was offensive to indigenous people.
True – The guy’s still fighting it in court.
2 — Speaking of Star Trek, the first press release for Star Trek Voyager described Security Officer Tuvok as an “African American Vulcan.”
Also true — even though the planet Vulcan probably doesn’t have either an Africa or an America.
3 — The term YOLO (You Only Live Once) has been deemed offensive to Hindus and other religions that believe in reincarnation.
False. But, on second thought …
4 — Advertisers are replacing the word “pyjamas” with “sleepwear” to avoid charges of cultural appropriation because the word “pyjamas” was borrowed during the British colonization of India.
False — but you don’t actually see the word “pyjamas” around much anymore, do you?
5 — A local city council in the UK has banned the term “brainstorming” because it is offensive to people with epilepsy.
True — It’s has been replaced with “thought showers.”
6 — Shanghai DisneyLand has removed all references to Winnie the Pooh so as not to offend the people of China.
True — Guess why?
7 – A number of universities have banned clapping at all public performances because that might trigger anxiety in nervous people.
True — There are two (that I could find) in the UK and several in the USA.
8 — Transvestites have been banned from Gay Pride parades because they’re considered offensive to true transgender people.
True — The most notable case was in Glasgow in 2015, but there have been a number of other places, as well.
9 – The word “hysterical” is unacceptable because it is derived from the Greek word for uterus.
True — Many “woke” writers have made the case that linking hysteria and women is inherently sexist. (Apparently, the ancient Greeks were insensitive bastards.)
10 — There is a claim that calling someone “exotic” has “nasty racial overtones” and is a micro-aggression.
True — The convoluted argument is that if you’re “exotic” you’re notfrom here; therefore, you’re being excluded.
11 — The Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, once corrected a woman audience member for saying “mankind” by saying, “We like to say peoplekind, not necessarily mankind. It’s just more inclusive.” and was accused of mansplaining.
True — Unfortunately, this is absolutely true.
12 — The standard size of chairs in arenas, auditoriums, airplanes and classrooms is considered a micro-aggression against people who are overweight.
True — and several organizations have taken that argument to court — especially against airlines
13 — The word therapist is being replaced with counselor or analyst to avoid subconsciously triggering people who may have been sexually assaulted.
False … so far
14 – Now that “heart attack” has been replaced with “cardiac event,” the acceptable term for fatal heart attack is “life-limiting experience.”
False — although I like the sound of that.
15 — In many jurisdictions, the term police force has been changed to police service because the word force is considered too confrontational.
True
16 – Some universities have stopped using trigger warnings because there is concern that warning students about offensive material might actually trigger emotional distress.
True — One wonders if they’re even teaching controversial subjects anymore.
17 — “Long time, no see” and “No can do” are unacceptable because they mock the English dialect of 19th century Asian American immigrants.
False — No lesser authority than the OED has judged both phrases have been in common use for many years by a number of ethnic groups.
18 – The name of the string instrument mandolin has been changed to Italian lute to be more inclusive and reflect that both men and women play it.
False
19 — Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations is under pressure to remove “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” because it’s sexist to suggest that women are more vindictive than men.
False — although a number of quotes have quietly disappeared from the pages over the last few years.
20 — An advertisement for exercise bicycles, featuring a man (presumably a husband or boyfriend) giving a woman an exercise bicycle as a Christmas gift, was pulled off TV for being overtly sexist.
True — And aside from a ton of free publicity, I’ve never been able to figure out why.
Last year (Yeah, The Twelve Months From Hell) one of my eBuddies decided she wasn’t going to be kicked around by the gloom and doom circling the planet. So she did something about it. She used her blog to create Bad JokeMonday — a bit of silliness in a world of woe. Then she spread it around in her little corner of the world – cuz that’s what you’re supposed to do. Everyone who was touched by BJM (as it came to be called) had a grin, a giggle and usually a groan every week – plus, they got to see some kickass illustrations. It was a cool comedy umbrella when everything seemed to be seriously raining on our parade. I loved BJM, and I miss it. So, with a virtual salute to all of us who were involved in CJ’s creation, here are some really, really bad jokes. Enjoy!
It’s time to stop eating grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
Last week, I found out I was colour blind. It just came out of the green.
The local archery club likes to hold their meetings at the cheese shop … just to shoot the brie.
A man got hit by a train and broke his left arm and his left leg. He’s all right now.
A minister, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood bank. The nurse asked, “What’s your blood type?” and the rabbit replied, “I’m pretty sure I’m a Type-O.”
Atheists belong to a non-prophet organization.
A piano fell down a mineshaft, and all that was left was A Flat Minor.
People are shocked when they find out what a bad electrician I am.
The first time I used a universal remote control, I thought, “Wow! This changes everything.”
I can only recite 25 letters of the alphabet. I can’t remember why.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Let’s all go for coffee. It’ll be a latte of fun.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker? Hop in.
What do you call a fish who doesn’t have any eyes? A fsh.
Would you mind if I took a picture of you naked? No problem. Put your clothes over there.
What did the beaver say when he hit his head on a wall? Dam!
If you ever get a bladder infection – you’re in trouble.
I’m not addicted to drinking brake fluid; I can stop anytime.
If you’re holding a bee, what’s in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
And finally:
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon, but when it arrived, the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I was.
WD Fyfe 