Life does not come with a set of instructions. Around the time we learn to crawl, we’re taught what bites, what burns, what tickles and which farts just can’t be trusted — but after that, it’s all on-the-job training with live ammunition. Unfortunately, without any guidelines we really never know how we’re doing. Essentially, if life were a parlour game, we’d have no way to keep score or even know where we are on the board. C’est le vie!
There are, however, a few tricks one learns along the way. Since I’m a good guy who’s been wandering this world for a few years now, I’m going to pass a random sample along to you. They’re in no particular order — because if I actually knew what was important in life, I’d write the book.
1 — A low-cut sweater will fix a bad hair day.
2 — Nobody is ever going to love you the way women in yogurt commercials love yogurt; get over it.
3 — You know you’re fat when people start saying “Have you lost weight?” Nobody ever says that to people who don’t need to.
4 — After high school you’re never going to use algebra again — ever.
5 — You know the relationship isn’t love when, during sex, you fantasize that your partner is someone else and, after sex, you fantasize you are.
6 — You’ve become an adult when your towels match.
7 — Eventually, every parent secretly eats a candy bar in the car, or the closet, or just around the corner so they don’t have to share it with their kids. (So you aren’t a selfish bastard, after all.)
8 — You know you’re old when younger people talk to you in that tone of voice we all reserve for children and pets.
9 — Later on in life, nobody but you is going to give a rat’s ass how hot you were in college, so you might as well take the four years and actually study.
10 — If you’re over 26 and your job still involves extra pickles, no mayo and paper cups, you’re doing something wrong.
11 — The biggest lie you’re ever going to tell yourself is “I’ll remember that.”
12 — You know you’re rich when you don’t have to look at the prices on a menu. You know you’re wealthy when you can do that at the car dealership.
13 — The difference between tragic hero/heroine and perpetual loser is five years.
14 — As you get older, Christmas comes faster and faster every year.
And finally:
15 — The real secret to a happy and successful life is comfortable underwear. But you need to have enough money to afford it and the good sense to buy it.
I’m getting overwhelmed by my stuff. Not the regular stuff, like tables and chairs or the fridge or the microwave, but all the bits and bobs that have accumulated in my life without my knowledge. The stuff that showed up one day and just never went away. The second letter opener hiding in my desk, the plastic container shaped like an Oreo cookie, the Lake Wobegon cup, the book of British Hallmarks that’s two millimetres too tall for the shelf, and on and on. This isn’t stuff I need, or stuff I even ever wanted; it’s just stuff that belongs to me. And it’s all good stuff. It isn’t broken or anything — or useless — like those electronic cables to nowhere neatly wrapped and arranged in the bottom drawer of my file cabinet. These are perfectly good inanimate objects that I just don’t know what to do with. However, there are some options;
First of all, I think Tom Hiddleston is a brilliant actor. He’s played Cassio, Coriolanus and Henry V. After his portrayal of Loki stole the Avengers’ franchise out from under the good guys — Tony Stark and Captain America — he became the Internet’s boyfriend. After The Night Manager, he literally kicked Idris Elba off the top spot in the Who’s The Next Bond Sweepstakes. In some circles, Q had already given him the keys to the Aston Martin. Wow! What a difference a couple of months make! As of today, Hiddleston’s screen cred is lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut. What happened? Taylor Swift.
WD Fyfe 