Author: wdfyfe

Before WD called himself a writer, he worked at a number of different jobs from stacking lumber to interior design. He studied English at UBC and creative writing at ASU where one of his teachers, Rita Dove, taught him the importance of the tale. He has written for radio, magazines and newspapers, but never television. He’s published both fiction and nonfiction in Great Britain and the US. He reads French passably and speaks enough Spanish to get from A to B and find the toilet. He has interviewed John Cleese, Peter Ustinov, Margaret Drabble, Kenneth Branagh and enough other famous people to make him a hopeless name dropper. His not-so-secret passions are history and trivia, and he has never lost a game of Trivial Pursuit — although he did come 4th one drunken Quiz Night at the Uxbridge in Notting Hill. He lives on the Pacific Ocean, although, not close enough to see, so he spends his days looking at a computer screen. It’s a wonderful life and he has only one regret: he can’t type faster.

Abnormal Bleeding: Think About It!

One of the reasons our society is going to Hell in a handcart is we have no idea what we’re saying anymore. We’re screwing up the beauty of the English language so badly it’s a wonder it doesn’t ask us for a divorce.

“I’m fed up with you treating me like gibberish. Get out! And I’m taking custody of all the words.”

This isn’t just a minor misunderstanding over a few stupid things like Jumbo Shrimp or Military Intelligence. This is serious. There are some irreconcilable differences between us and the language we love. Here are a few examples:

one day at a time – Think about this. That’s the way they come. Announcing to the world that you’re taking things “one day at a time” violates Einstein’s 3rd Law of You’re a Dumb Ass. Are there people in this world who take things TWO days at a time?

bad luck – If your luck is bad, by definition, it isn’t luck anymore. Finding a bag of money is lucky. Getting hit by a car as you pick it up is not a different kind of luck. Luck does not come in alternative forms. You’re lucky or…

sex addict – There is no such thing. We’re genetically programmed to want sex; that’s why there are more than 7 billion of us crawling around this planet. Mother Nature gave us sexual desire so we would thrive as a species and have fun doing it. Jerks like Tiger Woods are just trying to weasel (no offence, weasels) out of bad marital problems, and they think people believe this “sex addict” crap.

homophobia – First of all, a “phobia” or abnormal fear of gay people is not an illness. Lifestyle or pharmaceuticals aren’t going to make you better. Secondly, if homophobes think in stereotypes, what are they afraid of: Nice shoes? Designer dogs? Square dancing? Here’s the deal: homophobes don’t have a psychological disorder; they’re assholes.

fresh raisins – We need to remember raisins started out as grapes — a long time ago.

suicide bomber – The person with the bomb might very well be committing suicide, but the rest of the folks within shrapnel range simply aren’t. The last time I looked, suicide was not an involuntary activity. If you’re standing around waiting for a bus and suddenly you get your insides blown out, suicide has nothing to do with it: you’ve just been murdered.

And the list goes on from “light pollution” to “crash landing” (let that one sink in!) and if we don’t fix it soon, we might just as well jabber away at each other in Emoticons.

Easter Trivia II

Once again, in keeping with my avowed principle that my readers should go to bed smarter than when they woke up, here are some cool facts about Easter and environs. Pass this information on between mouthfuls of chocolate and you’ll either look like the smartest person in the room or a pompous ass — your choice.

The tastiest parts of the Easter bunny are the ears, followed by the nose. This is one of those stupid facts that has actually been statistically verified by years of research. Why? Go figure!

On average, North Americans consume over 90 million Easter bunnies every year. However, this incredible number does include those cheap bastards who buy their bunnies on Monday — when they’re half price.

The first European tourist on Easter Island was Dutch explorer Jacob Roggeveen, in 1722. He named the island Paasch Eyland (Easter Island) when he mistakenly thought all the large stone statues (Moai) he saw there were waiting for the Easter Bunny.

And speaking of Moai: if you want to make a million dollars, next Easter make a bunch of chocolate Moai and sell them to esoterically obsessed hipsters. These folks have tons of disposable cash and simply can’t pass up a chance to be ironic. (FYI, this is my idea. If you do make a million dollars, I want a Finder’s Fee!)

The name Easter actually comes from the pagan goddess of fertility, Eastre, whose symbols were the rabbit and the egg. Early Christians (marketing geniuses, BTW) saw an opportunity to piggyback their Holy Week resurrection message on the numerous Spring Festivals already established across Europe. They slowly pushed Eastre into the background, and 17 centuries later, all we have left are chocolate bunnies, coloured eggs and a misspelt name.

Over one billion jellybeans will be eaten this Easter. That sound you hear is the American Dental Association cashing their cheques and buying luxury condos.

Of the 50 or so obscenely opulent Faberge eggs produced for the Russian Royal Family, 8 are still missing. So, next time you have to endure an afternoon with your great-aunt Olga, take a snoop through her china cabinet — you might get lucky. These things sell for tens of millions of dollars, and if she doesn’t know it’s there, chances are good she won’t miss it.

And finally: Parents, decorating eggs with your children at Easter is a wonderful activity. It will demonstrate just exactly what kind of a wacko control freak you really are.

Happy Easter!

Riddle Me This! — Answers

Here are the answers to Tuesday’s riddles.

A truck driver is going the wrong way on a one-way street. A policeman sees him but does not stop him or even write him a ticket. Why?

Answer – The truck driver is walking.

Answer – Fire

A wise old king has no sons or daughters to leave his kingdom to, but he has 11 nieces and nephews. He decides to test them to see which one is worthy to rule his kingdom after he dies. He gives each one a pot of dirt and a seed and says, “Here is a chance to prove yourself. You must plant this seed and honestly nurture it with no help from your parents or your friends. In one year, I will see who has done the best job, and he or she will inherit the kingdom.
One year later, each of the nieces and nephews brings their plants back to the king. Some have flourished, some are doing well, a couple are sickly and one pot has no plant at all. The king says, “I now know who will inherit my kingdom.” Who does he give his kingdom to, and why?

Answer – The one with no plant. All the seeds were fake to test their honesty.

Answer – A parachute.

Answer – Silence

Two men are sitting at a bar. One man is bragging about how well he knows popular music. He says, “I know just about every song imaginable. I’m so good, I’ll bet you $1,000.00 I can sing a popular song with you girlfriend’s name in it.” The other man says, “You’ve got a bet. My girlfriend’s name is Celeste Janelle.” The braggart wins $1,000.00. What song did he sing?

Answer – Happy Birthday to You.

Answer – 1, 2, 3 — 1+2+3=6, 1x2x3=6

A black car is driving down a lonely rural road. There are no street lights and the car does not have its headlights on. There is no moon or starlight. A black cat is sleeping in the middle of the road, but the driver stops before he hits the cat. How does the driver know where the cat is sleeping?

Answer – The car was driving in the middle of the afternoon.

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