Category: Humor

Why Young People Are Grouchy!

bored

After years of research, I’ve discovered why young people are grouchy all the time.  It’s pretty simple, really.  They’re bored out of their skulls.  The problem is, despite the entire 21st century lying at their feet like a cornucopia of earthly delights, they have so many politically correct rules of engagement that they’re scared to touch it.  Let me explain.

They can’t play games or even watch them.  There is a myth that young people like board games, but I think this is just spin (“lie” is such a hard word.)  Think about it!  Games are, by definition, competition, and when you have competition you have winners and – OMG – losers.  This is the Anti-Christ of the 21st century.  If an activity isn’t win/win, it just doesn’t happen.

They can’t watch television — except The Handmaid’s Tale.  The trigger warnings in Game of Thrones alone would fill an encyclopedia (that’s Google for old people.)  Even the blandest of the bland, the antique sitcom, Friends — a program so inoffensive it can’t even be called vanilla (that suggests way too much flavour) is a minefield of politically incorrect thought.  Nope, TV is out!

They can’t go to the zoo.  Animals in captivity?  That’s just crazy talk.

They can’t go to a museum.  If the single statue of some dead guy is offensive, a whole building full of history could cause apoplectic shock.

They can’t read books published before 1980.  In a time when To Kill a Mockingbird has been censored, Huck Finn rewritten and Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Screw banned, we’re not many days away from politically correct mobs ransacking libraries and burning the books in the streets.  Sad as it may seem, Fahrenheit 451 isn’t fiction anymore; it’s a training manual.  So reading is a no-no!

They can’t go to the movies.  Here is an industry that has, on several occasions, confessed that it is a whitewashing, cultural appropriating, racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, anti-Latino, anti-Asian, anti-Muslim monopoly, controlled by misogynistic old white men.  What’s left?  Michael Moore’s “Ain’t It Awful?” documentaries — and even the politically correct are fed up with that guy.

They can’t dine out unless the restaurant grows its own organic food in a hydroponic biosphere in the back garden.  Even quinoa and avocados, the meat and potatoes of contemporary life, are suspect.  The carbon footprint that brings ancient grains and Aztec fruit to the modern table is just too deep to be tolerated.

And, of course, the super biggie:

They can’t flirt.  Don’t even go there!

And that, boys and girls, is why young people are so 24/7 bitchy!

American Election: A Suitable Alternative

jokes

I refuse to talk about the American midterm elections.  As the world holds its breath waiting for what the media has decided is the biggest contest between good and evil since Moses outmaneuvered the Egyptians at the Red Sea – count me out.  Why?  Because the media has decided it’s the biggest contest between good and evil since Moses outmaneuvered the Egyptians at the Red Sea.  Please!  I’ve lived through Jimmy Carter, Georges Pompidou, James Callaghan, Ronald Reagan, Valery Giscard d’Estaing and Maggie Thatcher – I know what evil looks like.  So for those of us who like a little more meat and a little less Wavy Gravy in our political discussions, I’ve prepared a suitable alternative.  Here are some of the best jokes of this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  Enjoy!

The problem with my jokes is that they sometimes take a while to get. Sometimes I’ll tell a joke and then 10 minutes later, when a different comedian is on stage, everyone starts laughing.
David McIver

When I see Donald Trump, I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn’t that bad.
Angela Barnes

My wife said she wanted to meet new people. I took her to the maternity ward

I’ve created an app to help with insomnia, called Slumbr, which lets you talk to other really boring people until you fall asleep. It’s online sedating.
Jon Harvey

The waiter in the restaurant asked me if I had any allergies. I said, ‘Yes, I am allergic to penicillin’.
Stuart Mitchell

I didn’t like getting lost on a campsite in the dark. I was feeling tents.
Charlie Partridge

I weigh 20 [280 lbs – 186 kg] stone, so being stalked by me is like heart disease. If you really want to avoid it, just start jogging.
Matt Price

I threw my hands in the air, which was a shame because I had nothing to catch them with on the way down.
Paul Mayhew

My girlfriend is half Irish and half Chinese. Which means she’s incredibly beautiful and I’m never allowed to do an impression of her.
Brett Goldstein

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
Ian Smith

My reasons for learning origami are two-fold.
Ken Cheng

Heaven is a bit difficult to reach, but if you are Catholic you can aim lower, to Purgatory: it is like a cheaper version of the afterlife, the Ryanair of souls.
Luca Cupani

Since my kids were born, I’ve started wearing jeans from M&S. They’re a style called ‘relaxed skinny’ – ironically, two things I haven’t been since my kids were born.
Lucy Porter

I played Hamlet once, not very successfully. The audience threw eggs at me. I went on as Hamlet and came off as omelette.
Gyles Brandreth

I only go for runs when it’s raining because it feels like you’re sweating way more and no one can see that you’re crying.
Paul Williams

I could never work in The Job Centre. Imagine working somewhere and knowing if you finally have the courage to quit, you’ve still got to go in the next day.
Adam Rowe

Someone close to me died this morning, which made for an uncomfortable train journey.
Glenn Moore

When I was unconscious in the hospital, Mrs Tavare played me music as stimulation. First she tried Justin Beiber in the hope I might get out of bed and switch it off…
Jim Tavare

I took my nephew on the swings.  He kept complaining that it goes up too high. I said, ‘Shut up and push’.
Nick Dixon

I suffer from insomnia and I’ve tried everything, even counting sheep. I got up to about 100 sheep the other night and still couldn’t get to sleep, so I went back inside.
George Rigden

My dad loves his dog more than us.  He makes it a roast chicken seasoned in herbs every Sunday, which is stupid as dogs have no concept of Thyme.
Rachel Fairburn

I was arguing with someone until we came across a smiling fortune teller… I think we found a happy medium.
Bread & Geller

Shears: cutting-hedge technology.
David Ephgrave

I didn’t start experimenting with drugs until I was in my 40s.  Prior to that, I was just enjoying them.
Roman Fraden

I invented the self-fulfilling prophesy.  It probably won’t go anywhere, but still. . . .
Garret Millerick

My boss has finally recognised my potential and reduced my wages accordingly.
Richard Todd

And my very favourite is:

It might seem like we’re heading for a dystopian future right now, but I read that book, 1984, and things were way worse back then.
Jim Campbell

 

7 Types Of Tourist (plus 1)

tourist

Europe is awash with tourists.  You can’t go three metres in any major city on the entire continent without tripping over some foreigner trying to take a picture.  In fact, Europe is actually in serious danger of becoming a gigantic theme park on the nose of Asia.  And since tourists are unavoidable west of the Ural Mountains, here are 7 (plus 1) types of tourist you should definitely avoid.  (Trust me; this is only a partial list!)

The Tour Guide – No, not those “umbrella in the air” Pied Pipers who march through the streets with a phalanx of old people in their wake.  No, not those people.  These are the folks who, armed with Wikipedia, have taken it upon themselves to explain to the entire restaurant (at concert pitch — and usually in English) the significance of whatever their group saw that day.  Everything from when Dante met Beatrice to Botticelli’s favourite dessert!

The Photographers – These are the people in the art galleries who are all assholes and elbows, kicking you out of the way to get the perfect photo of ….  Hey, buddy! You’re taking a picture of a picture that’s been professionally photographed a million times and studied in minute detail for 3, 4, or, sometimes even 500 years.  To do what with it?  Take it home and show it to your brother-in-law?  “Wow! What an unusual smile!  Who is it?”

The Selfie Sticker – Somebody is going to put somebody’s eye out with one of those damn things.

The Telephoner – These are the folks who decide to talk, text or check Instagram in the middle of a crowded street, at the top of the stairs, at the bottom of the stairs and at the entrance to every store, restaurant, museum and art gallery they run across.  The only thing worse is those doofuses who stumble around town, staring at their Google maps instead of actually looking where they’re going.

The Baggage Handler – These are the people who’ve loaded every conceivable item they might possibly need in the next 7 days into a backpack and stomp through the streets as if they’re trekking the Andes.  They swing those things like lethal weapons and insist on rearranging their crap at every opportunity – usually, in the middle of a crowded street, at the top of the stairs, at the bottom of the stairs and at the entrance to every store, restaurant, museum and art gallery they run across.

The Bros – These are the boys (friends or co-workers, in their mid-30s) who came to Europe together and have somehow managed to escape from their women for the afternoon.  Alone in a strange land, they huddle together in a defensive group to sample European culture by the bottle.

The Girlfriends – These are the wives of The Bros.  They don’t actually like each other very much, but (because of The Bros) they’ve spent so much time together their menstrual cycles are in sync.  They travel in a pack, and they’ve come to shop, and they’ve come to talk, and everybody else can piss off.

And finally:

The Parents – These are the young couples who’ve bundled up baby for a “vacation” in Europe.  They are pushing a stroller the size of a Smart Car and hauling around enough baby stuff to outfit a Malawian orphanage for a decade.  Mom looks like she hasn’t slept since the night the child was conceived, Dad looks like he’s been hit in the face with Novocaine and the poor kid is jetlagged out of his mind.  Folks, this is not fun – for anyone.  What the hell were you thinking?  Even if a child that young could remember anything — which they can’t — from their vantage point, all they’re seeing is the tourist bums directly ahead of them.  Besides, I’ve seen those strollers rattling over the cobblestones and I don’t think it’s legal to shake a baby like that.

FYI – for those of you keeping track, they’ve found our luggage.  It’s in Zurich!