The Wonderful World Of Science

dimesion.jpgWe live in a wonderful scientific age.  In our time, the selective use of science can prove — or disprove — anything we like.  For example, did you know we live right next door to a parallel universe?  We do.  Now, I’m not one of the tinfoil hat brigade.  Nor do I hear voices from across the ether.  What I do have is some pretty compelling evidence that we are not alone in a uni-dimensional universe.  And with a little scientific analysis and some 21st century logic, we can see just how dangerous these beings from “the other side” are.  Let’s look at the facts.

The Socks In The Dryer Conundrum
Evidence — How many time have you put a load of laundry into the dryer, gone back an hour later and discovered you suddenly have a odd number of socks?  It happens all the time — right?  Plus, and this is the weird bit, it’s never bed sheets, blue jeans or pajamas that disappear — only socks.  Clearly, we don’t think the dryer ate the missing socks — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — The only logical explanation is the spinning dryer must create a vortex that allows beings from another dimension to travel here and steal our socks.
Conclusion — These extra-dimensional beings have no regard for the human concept of private property; they’re totally dishonest and they can’t be trusted.  Also, since we know socks come in pairs, they’re probably stealing individual socks for their third foot.  Therefore, we can logically conclude they must have three legs.

The Where Did My Stuff Go? Mystery
Evidence — How many times have you reached for your key, your gloves, your telephone, etc. and discovered the item is missing?  You check all the places it could be, retrace your steps, search the house, the office, the car and still can’t find it.  Then, suddenly, the item reappears in the most unlikely spot.  Clearly, we don’t think the item moved itself — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Since we already know beings from the other dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel (see #1) we can assume that, once again, they are stealing our stuff.  However, why are they giving it back?  Obviously, unlike the socks, they neither need nor want our personal items.
Conclusion — Extra-dimensional beings are taking our things away for analysis and then returning them when they’ve collected the information they need.  This is pure intelligence gathering.  They want to know all about us so they can find our weaknesses.  And since they don’t keep things like key fobs and smart phones, we can logically conclude they are more technologically advanced than we are.  Plus, since we never see the theft (and these beings aren’t — uh — invisible, LOL) we can deduce that they must be extremely fast, which is corroborated by the fact that they have three legs.

But here’s the proof that seals the deal:

The Extra Stuff Enigma
Evidence — How many times have you been looking through a drawer or cupboard and found an electronic cord that doesn’t fit anything, a key without a lock, a lock without a key, plastic container lids that don’t fit any containers, breath mints in the bottom of your pocket, a single battery, pens, pennies, paperclips, the list goes on and on.  We all have this kinda stuff kickin’ around and have no idea where it came from.  Clearly, we don’t think these items just appeared by magic — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Extra-dimensional beings are not only stealing things from us but also leaving things behind.  This is the inter-dimensional equivalent of littering.
Conclusion — Inter-dimensional beings are throwing things out in our dimension because — in their own dimension — the garbage bins are full.  Since we already know their civilization is more advanced than ours (see #2) we can only assume that they have an even bigger waste management crisis than we do.

So let’s put it all together

Super Conclusion — Here are the facts.
1 — Three-legged beings in a parallel dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel.
2 — They have a disregard for private property.
3 — They’re gathering intelligence to discover our weaknesses.
4 — They’re in an environmental crisis.
The only logical conclusion we can come to is our world is being probed by extra-dimensional aliens who are about to invade us and use our planet as a gigantic garbage dump.

Thanks, science!  You’ve done it again!

Trending Now — AquaNots

waterThe question is, just who are these so-called AquaNots?  Apparently, AquaNots (media name: not mine) are people who refuse to use water in any form.  They believe that human consumption of water is not only killing our planet’s fish habitat, but, if left unchecked, will eventually destroy the Earth’s entire ecosystem.  Sounds legit.  However, based on the information I can find (which isn’t a lot) their practices including not washing their clothes, their dishes, their hair or themselves, not using flush toilets (according to their information sheet, American toilets alone consume 23 billion litres of water every day) not cooking with water, not using water-based products and, in some radical cases, not even drinking water.  Wow!  It sounds  pretty harsh to me, but before we rush to pass judgement, let’s see what the AquaNots have to say for themselves.

“We totally reject the accusation that we are extremist.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Our planet is in crisis, and if people are too stupid to understand that this is the only solution, then they need to be re-educated.

“We want to effect lifestyle change.  We need to end our dependency on the hydro-industrial complex.  Do you know the flush toilet is less than 200 years old?  Obviously, for the vast majority of human existence, people merely squatted in the woods.  We need to bring that natural experience into the 21st century and the urban environment.

“Fashions change so quickly these days it doesn’t make any sense to actually wash your clothes.  We just give our dirty ones to poor people and buy the newest, latest look.  This way, we’re always in style.”

“Eight glasses a day?  I’m laughin’.  People in desert countries don’t drink eight glasses of water a day.  They don’t have any water at all, and they’re always runnin’ around fightin’ and blowin’ shit up.  I seen them on TV all the time, and I’ve never seen them drinkin’ water.”

“It’s all about raising awareness.  An international Aquagarchy controls most of the world’s water, and their corporate profits are fueled by constant in-your-face advertising.  Look around!  Soap, soup, shampoo, tea, coffee, wine, organic gardening, outdoor recreation — I could go on and on — and their subliminal message is always “Use water.”

“Washing dishes is no problem for us.  Normally, we eat fast food and simply throw the wrappers away.  Of course, in the summer, we barbeque a lot and use paper plates.”

“We are definitely tolerant of other points of view, but we refuse to allow flushers and bathers to spread disingenuous information.  They clearly hate our planet and we must stand, as a group, to stop this kind of hate speech.

“We are a growing grassroots organization.  Yes, right now, our membership is mostly from private schools and universities, but we have followers –of all ages — on four continents, and we’re reaching out to get our message to people of less privileged economic backgrounds.”

“Our community has always faced discrimination.  Many of our followers have lost their jobs because of coworkers’ complaints about personal hygiene. We are all working very hard for the day when Mother Nature’s perfume will be accepted in the workplace.”

There you have it.  Make up your own mind.

* Disclaimer
It’s a sad commentary on our times that I have to even write this, but … so be it.
This is a satire.  It is meant to lampoon how genuinely good ideas get hijacked by idiots.  The AquaNots do not exist, and any relationship between them and any real activist group is purely coincidental.

Unfortunate Men’s Fashion

silhouette-1517089_1280I remember when men’s fashion consisted of the colour of  your shirt, the width of your lapel and the size of your tie.  We’ve come a long way since those heady days when nobody gave a damn  what men looked like.  These days, men are breaking out of their no-style strait-jackets and showing the world just how ridiculous they can look — given half a chance.  Here are some examples of male fashion statements in the 21st century.

Bush Baby Beards — Unlike their Old Testament cousins. these neatly trimmed wannabes are the fashion of a man who desperately wants to be trendy but has minivan payments, a massive mortgage and a job he can’t afford to lose.

Popped collars — Usually found on Lacoste Shirts (those three-button alligator abominations.) They’re the international symbol for “My father’s a lawyer, and now I’m a lawyer, too.”

Half Zippered Polar Fleece — Nothing says Suburban Dad like half zippered polar fleece.

Faux Hawk Hair — For the man who doesn’t have the stones to go full Mohawk.

Tattoos (neck, face or armband) — You think you look like a badass. Guess again!  You look like your IQ and your fashion sense are permanently stuck in the 80s.

Backwards (or sideways) Baseball Hats — The universal style of the heterosexual man who hasn’t quite figured out why women tend to avoid him.

Flip Flops — Except for the beach, the gym and Walmart, grown men wear shoes.  They just do.

Skinny Jeans — No room for your keys, your phone or your genitalia.  No wonder so few hipsters have kids.

Plaid Shirts — Hey, buddy!  You’re not a lumberjack.  You’re a waiter from Queens.

Corn Rows — Normally found on a young man who’s just returned from a Mexican vacation.  His girlfriend thought it would look cute, and he thought he’d get laid.  (They were both wrong.)

Ear Gauge — These tell the world you’ve worked at Starbucks for so long you’re finally on the day shift.

The Man Bun — Just sad.  Really, really sad.

Beanie Caps — Lost your comb, your shampoo and your dignity?  No problem!

Zany Socks — Unless you’re a Dot Com millionaire, a tenured Art History professor or terminally English, zany socks do not make you any more interesting than you already aren’t.

And finally:

The Gangsta Hoodie — If you’re over thirty and still wearing the gangsta hoodie, you need to take a look at your life.  Seriously, something‘s not working.