Category: Humor

Amy Schumer?/Tina Fey?

AmyI just saw the latest GQ cover, and it looks like Amy Schumer is the new Tina Fey — which is odd because Tina hasn’t gone anywhere.  Tina, the old one, was something in her day.  She was brilliant straight out of high school and made her bones on Saturday Night Live, making fun of Sarah Palin and working with Jimmy Fallon.  Fallon, as everybody knows, was replaced by Amy Poehler when he went on to become the new Letterman — which is also odd because, in actual fact, Stephen Colbert is going to be the new Letterman.  You know Stephen from The Colbert Report, but before that he was the new Steve Carell on the old Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  FYI, there’s going to be a new Daily Show when Jon Stewart leaves in August, but that doesn’t matter because John Oliver is already the new Jon Stewart.  Meanwhile, back to Steve Carell. He was Michael Scott on The Office, basically the new David Brent from the original British series.  That version was created by Ricky Gervais who pissed off so many Hollywood egos at The Golden Globe Awards that he was replaced by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  Now, they’re going to be replaced because Amy Schumer is the new Tina Fey and Amy Poehler isn’t the right Amy.

So what have we learned?

Amy Schumer has totally won the Amy war with Poehler, and she’s such a bankable brand right now that she can even suck on Disney’s Lightsaber with impunity.

In order to end up sucking on Disney’s Lightsaber, you don’t necessarily have to practice your craft with Lorne Michaels or Jon Stewart, but given the comedy pedigree of most people in the funny business, it helps.

Everybody in comedy is so connected to everybody else it looks like Duck Dynasty with dick jokes.

And finally, Amy Adams was never considered a worthy Amy adversary even though Michael Scott (Steve Carell) from The Office once called her “the new and improved Pam.”  (Most people have forgotten that episode.)

How To Play “Cultural Appropriation”

family-gameThese days, Cultural Appropriation is trending everywhere. You can read about it here, but I’ve discovered an interesting fact: “Cultural Appropriation” isn’t real.  It’s a game invented by middleclass, university undergrads with time on their hands.  It’s quite simple and very similar to the “You’re a Racist” game; however, the scoring is slightly different.  A player must first ambush some unsuspecting white guy — doing just about anything beyond eating Kraft Dinner — and accuse him of Cultural Appropriation.  While the white guy is still wondering WTF, the player must then try and light up the Internet by generating enough traffic to attract the attention of the mainstream media.  There is no limit to the amount of venom or indignation the player can use.  Name calling is allowed, and as in the “White Privilege” game, there are no penalty points for bullshit.  Scoring is simple: more hits equal a higher score and Facebook “likes” don’t count. (Did they ever??)  There are bonus points if  the white guy apologizes and/or eventually just gives up trying to explain.  Also, all bonus points are doubled if the unsuspecting white guy is associated with a brand name corporation.  Points continue to accumulate through the 48 hour news cycle but stop immediately when the story appears on Huffington Post.  The player wins when the white guy’s activity or event is cancelled; however, NO points are awarded if the player doesn’t immediately bitch about the lack of cultural diversity in Western society.  In that scenario, the game resets itself and the player must start again.

Like all holier-than-thou games — including “Sexist, Sexist, I Found a Sexist” and “Homophobes are Everywhere” — ” Cultural Appropriation” is derived from the classic “Stereotyping White People” game which has been a sophomore sport since the mid 60s.  And although we’ll probably never see the great college tournaments of the 80s and 90s again, we can all still enjoy hours of liberal guilt just playing these games for fun with our friends.  Good luck, and good gaming!

Unfollow The Leader

leadershipOur society is absolutely bloated with useless people.  I don’t mean the scabby crack addict sitting on the curb begging for money.  (What the hell is “spare” change, anyway?)  No, it’s those half-educated persistent boors who have a degree in some nonsense like Leadership that I’m worried about.  They’re the ones who sat through years of university with nothing on their minds but a wool hat and now, a couple of years later, swear by all that’s holy they’re smart.  I’ve listened to these people — their natural habitat is either a meeting or a cocktail party. They’re a lotta things — but smart ain’t one of them.

Just to be clear, I’m only using Leadership as an example, and I’m not talking about every single person with an idiot degree like that; just the 99% who give the rest of them a bad name.

So, what kind of training and study does a person need to become a contemporary Napoleon?  I took a few minutes and googled Leadership Programs at several well known universities.  (They shall remain nameless to protect the guilty.)  These might not be the exact courses they offer, but they’re so close it’s scary.

Team Building — Using moronic games to fool adults into thinking they still get a recess.

Motivation and Discipline — Show the donkey your carrot, and if that doesn’t work, hit him with a stick.

Creating Charisma — Workable strategies when people think you’re an asshole.

Innovation — Changing stuff — because you can.

Utilizing Smart Goals — Somewhere, buried in the syllabus, Stupid Goals are just clawing to get out.

Fundamentals of Determination — I think I can!  I think I can!  I think I can!

Group Dynamics — Where to hide the annoying people so they’re not constantly pissing on everybody else’s enthusiasm.

Inspiration — Resurrecting the cheer leading squad from high school to Rah! Rah! a bunch of miserable people into believing they’re having fun.

Social Media and Self Branding — I never got passed the auto-erotic S&M part of this baby, but I think you’re supposed to do it on YouTube.

Speaking with Confidence and Authenticity — Sincerity is the key.  Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Execution — There was no course description for this one, but it was offered as 1101, 2101, and 3102, so the possibilities are endless.

And finally, Lateral Thinking — You’re never going to get ahead in this world unless you go sideways.

And that about sums it up.  We’ve created a whole layer of wannabe Julius Caesars, running back and forth across the battlefield, exhorting their imaginary legions.  They run endless meetings to “facilitate” and prowl boring parties to “connect” but in the end, they don’t actually accomplish anything.  And the problem is they won’t get out of the way.