Category: Social Media

Sylvia Trench: Authentic Feminist

james_bondLast week, Sylvia Trench died.  She was 90 years old.  You’ve probably never heard of her, but she had a massive impact on popular culture that’s still ringing in our ears, today.  You see, before Honey Ryder (played by Ursula Andress) rose out of the surf like Venus in a white bikini, Sylvia Trench (played by Eunice Gayson) was the original Bond Girl in the original Bond movie, Dr. No.

Here in the ‘fraidy-cat days of contemporary feminism, there is a prevailing myth that “Bond Girl” is synonymous with bimbo.  Nope!  Guess again!  Ian Fleming didn’t write ‘em that way.  First of all, Fleming’s Bond Girls weren’t girls — they were women.  And secondly, the majority of his female characters (written between 1953 and 1965) were decidedly not typical women of that era.  Back in those days, the female ideal was June Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver) Margaret Anderson (Father Knows Best) and (let’s face it) the seriously ditzy Lucy Ricardo (I Love Lucy.)  Fleming’s women, on the other hand, were mainly independent, assertive professionals who were sexually active and made no bones about it.  (Ring any bells in 2018?)  Which brings us back to Ms. Trench.

Actually, Sylvia Trench was not in the novel Dr. No, but the movie version is the first time the world got a good look at James Bond, so she’s there to set the tone.   In fact, she appears before Bond does.  In the scene, we see a woman (not a girl) in an off-the-shoulder red dress.  She’s gambling at a high stakes Chemin de fer table.  She’s there by herself, and she’s clearly a regular player. (The house agrees to cover her marker when she loses.)  An off-camera voice says,

“I admire your courage, Miss…?”
She replies, “Trench, Sylvia Trench.  I admire your luck, Mr…?”
Cut to Sean Connery.  Cue the theme music:
“Bond, James Bond.”

And the 007 film franchise begins.

However, this isn’t where Sylvia Trench leaves her mark as the quintessential Bond Woman.  Three scenes later, Bond returns home and there’s Sylvia, out of the red dress and into one of Bond’s shirts, practicing her putt – with Bond’s golf clubs.  Bond (because he’s Bond) bursts into the room with a gun in his hand, but Sylvia doesn’t freak out, shrieking “OMG!  He’s got a gun!” — she flirts.  This is a confident woman.  This is an Ian Fleming Woman.  She’s come to Bond’s apartment (broken in, actually) to sleep with him.  She hasn’t been seduced.  She hasn’t been coerced.  She isn’t a victim of Bond’s raging sexism.  She’s a woman who makes her own decisions — and today she’s decided on James Bond.

So, as feminists from Maine to Malibu theorize and chatter about how many misogynists can dance on the head of a pin — Ms. Trench, I salute you!  You were a woman before it was fashionable and saw no reason to complain about it.

Why Are We All Angry?

anger

Here in the Western World, we live in the most benevolent civilization in all human history.  The irony is a lot of us seem pissed off about it.  Odd as it may seem, a ton of people spend a ton of time complaining about our world and the collective bounty of 3,000 years of economic and social success.  Why?  There are three reasons.  I like to call them the Killer Bs.

Bewildered — Like our medieval ancestors, we don’t understand anything about the world we live in.  Face it, folks!  We’re stupid.  These days, most people couldn’t tell you the difference between an aardvark and an antelope if you put burning coals between their toes.  And it’s not just zoology that stumps us.  Common knowledge simply isn’t common anymore.  We might be able to read and write, but we’re culturally, historically, economically, scientifically and mathematically illiterate — and proud of it.  For some weird reason, smart is not a currency we use or even value.  However, without these intellectual building blocks, it’s impossible to make sense out of the 1,001 complex systems that govern contemporary life or to understand our place in it.  At least a 12th century peasant could rely on God to justify his existence.  Unfortunately, since Nietzsche shot his mouth off, we don’t even have that option.  So, unable to figure out the simple how and why of what’s going on, many people boil over with frustration and say “Screw it!”

Bored — Intellectually divorced from reality, we have retreated behind our videos screens which filter out all the complexities of real life.  This is a mutant utopia, scripted with gratuitous drama and broad music-hall comedy.  The problem is it’s all relentlessly the same: kittens have achieved maximum cuteness, blockbuster movies bust tired old blocks, and the only shock left in those “shocking finales” is a shrug.  There’s no place to go in the cyber-verse that isn’t somebody else’s sequel, prequel or reboot.  All that’s left is hours and hours and hours of looping YouTube videos, everybody “liking” everything and bum-numbing binges of “must see TV.”  Face it, folks!  We’re bored — bored to the bone — and it’s making us bitchy.

Betrayed — We may ignore it or fail to understand it, but this is still the only reality we have — and sometimes it can be nasty.  Unfortunately, when that nasty comes calling (and it always will) it’s so alien to our everybody-gets-a-rainbow existence that we think something has gone horribly wrong — and we want to know why.  Flushed with excitement at the possibility of a “real” problem, but unable to comprehend any of the nuances of it, we demand an explanation for how our society failed.  We want a  reason, and we want it yesterday.  When we don’t get it — we get angry.  We begin to see evil where it doesn’t exist, impossible plots and conspiracies, tidy theories of nefarious secrets and blame — lots and lots of blame.  Face it, folks!  We truly believe we’re being betrayed by the very institutions we’re supposed to trust.

The Killer Bs aren’t killing the most benevolent civilization in history, but they’re certainly making it unpleasant. If we could get them under control, we’d all be a lot happier.

5 Types Of People (Plus 1)

peopleIdiots and the Internet are always yipping about how every person on the planet is different and we’re all unique in our own way. What a load of trash!  There are only six types of people in this world.  There might be a lot of combinations and some subtle variations, but in the end, there are really only six.  And they are:

I’m a lover — You never know where you stand with these people.  They love everything!  If you invited them to dinner and serve mud, they say “OMG!  This is the best mud I’ve ever had.  Can you please, please, please give me your recipe?”  These folks are so cheerful you just want to swat them.  And you know — YOU KNOW — they go home at night, wipe that painted smile off their face and throw things at the cat.

I’m a fighter — These are people who are never actually pissed off, but they’re never actually happy, either.  They exist in a kind of twilight zone of irritation.  They’re always pointing out things that bother them — from the guy in the elevator who smelled like fish to the size of Kylie Minogue’s teeth.  They get a lot of traffic tickets — “for no reason” and constantly talk about what they’re going to do to their boss, their neighbours or their in-laws the next time they step out of line.  These people who are always looking for a fight, but they never quite get there.

I have a problem — These are the people who walk the Earth in a state of perpetual difficulty.  They’re constantly being set upon by unusual circumstances and have only one coping mechanism — “I just got screwed!”  When they file their income tax, the paperwork always gets lost.  When they go to the doctor, she can never figure out what’s wrong with them.  There’s usually a vague legal situation looming in the background and some kind of financial problem that never gets fixed.  These folks spend their entire lives “running a little late” because they can’t find their keys, a cab, their phone, their kids, the TV remote or … God, the list just goes on and on and on!

You have a problem — These are the folks who think personal responsibility is something other people need to understand.  They play the Blame Game like it’s an Olympic event — and they’re goin’ for the Gold!  It’s not that they’re never wrong; it’s just that there is always somebody, somewhere, who’s wronger than they are.

I’m smarter than you — There are two kinds of “I’m smarter than you” people.  There are the obvious ones who let you know right away, and then there are the other assholes.  They’re the ones who wait in the weeds until you make a mistake and then leap up and tell you exactly what you should have done and, more importantly, what they would have done if only they’d been in charge.

And finally:

I’m a selfish bastard — Ironically, these are the best people to have as friends, colleagues and romantic partners.  First of all, they hang around because they want to.  Secondly, they have no hidden agenda (selfish bastards!)  Thirdly, by definition you’re never going to be disappointed in them and finally, the biggie: when they do something nice — they actually mean it.