Category: Social Media

We’re All In This Together

There’s been a lot of yipping lately about how divided our society has become.  These days,  everyone is painfully aware of what this particular group thinks or that particular group does or how some other group will react or get pissed off or … on and on and on.  Bullshit!  I don’t care how people identify themselves or what they think makes them different from everybody else, because the bottom line is — they aren’t — and I can prove it.

together

Here’s a simple test.

If you’ve done any one of these 10 things (11 if you’re female) you’re living proof that, way down deep in the human psyche, we’re all the same — just a bunch of ordinary folk, trying to get by.

1 — You hear a recording of your voice and think, “Wow, that is so-o-o weird.  Do I really sound like that?”

2 — You see someone you kinda know but not very well, and you pretend you don’t recognize them so you don’t have to make conversation.

3 — When you’re alone and a popular old song comes on the radio, you mumble most of the words until the chorus comes along and then you sing really loud.

4 — At a party with varying degrees of background noise, you smile a lot and “ha-ha-ha” laugh because you can’t actually hear what the other person is saying.

5 — Somebody says, “That was 10 years ago” and you’re thinking the 1990s, not 2006.

6 — You silently pronounce Wednesday as Wed-Ness-Day and February as Feb-Brew-Airy when you write them.

7 — You spend $20.00 extra at Amazon, for something you don’t really want, just to avoid paying the $8.00 shipping charge.

8 — You remember a stupid thing you did —  like — 12 years ago and get embarrassed all over again.

9 — You get out of the shower, see yourself naked in the mirror and go Supermodel for a nanosecond.

10 — When James Bond says, “My name is Bond, James Bond.” — you just read that in his voice, didn’t you?

And finally, for women only:

11 — At some point in your life, you’ve laughed so hard you peed your pants.

Trump — The Reality

donaldIt’s been a week since the American people elected Donald Trump president of the United States, and The Apocalypse hasn’t shown up yet.  Yes, there have been some “Not My President” protests (as part of that “orderly transition of power” we’ve all heard so much about) but, honestly, if Trump is even half the Antichrist the protesters say he is … well … I doubt very much if smashing windows in Portland is gonna dissuade the boy from his satanic purpose.  So, maybe it’s time to talk a little reality here.

(Full Disclosure — I’m not a Trump fan, and I wouldn’t have voted for him.)

Myth — Donald was elected by stupid white men who got pissed off when they finally realized that the media and other college-educated people were making fun of them.
Reality — Nothing could be further from the truth.  White men have known for years that the mainstream media and their urban elite demographic believe “middle class white male” is synonymous with knuckle-dragging Neanderthal Hillbilly.  God, we’re not that stupid!

Myth — Calling Donald Trump stupid, evil, a racist, a fascist, a misogynist, homophobic, sexist, xenophobic and anti-intellectual should have convinced voters that he is unfit to be president.
Reality — Every Republican candidate since Eisenhower has been called all those names — and worse.  They don’t mean anything anymore.  These days, a sexist is someone who attempts to hold the door for a pregnant woman and a misogynist is someone who doesn’t.  Or maybe it’s the other way around?  The truth is, nobody knows, and nobody cares.  Hell, there are academics out there who claim Abraham Lincoln was a racist!  Go figure!

Myth — “It’s my turn” is a legitimate reason to be elected President.
Reality — Unfortunately, the centuries-of-oppression argument doesn’t  always work in the real world.  Yes, it’s too bad your religion, gender, ethnic origin, sexual affiliation, etc., etc. had it rough back in 1640, but everybody else’s did, too.  The thing is you weren’t a very good Secretary of State — uh — three years ago, and glass ceiling or not, that counts.

Myth — Rich celebrities are experts on economics, health, transportation, foreign affairs, trade and the environment.  Plus, they have wise political insights.
Reality — I’m not the only person on this planet who’s tired of getting told how politically ignorant I am by a multi-millionaire who has two or three houses, a gardener, a cook and a maid, flies First Class, doesn’t make her own bed, hasn’t shopped for groceries in ten years and just got out of rehab.

Myth — Politically Correct does not stifle communication and must be part of every honest dialogue.
Reality — If you believe that, I’m thinkin’ you got the President you deserve.

A Real Conspiracy

conspiracy1Hang on to your bonnet, baby, because I’ve uncovered a massive international conspiracy.  Unfortunately, I’m such a total coward I’m too scared to name names, but I have evidence that powerful covert forces are at work — even as we speak.  These shadowy figures are grimly determined to totally suck the joy out of every aspect of human life!  Their nefarious goal is to turn every one of us into miserable Neo-Puritans, just as riddled with guilt and apprehension as they are.  And the problem is it looks as if they’re succeeding.  Check it out:

Remember when holidays were a time to take a moment, have some fun, relax and recharge the batteries?  Buckle up ’cause those days are over.  These days, holidays are a battleground.  Look at Hallowe’en!  Every costume comes with a ferocious debate.  Columbus Day?  Chris would have been better off sailing the other way.  Valentine’s Day is a minefield of who got missed in the sexual orientation parade, and Christmas?  Just forget it — between the Christmas-is-too-commercial crew and the anti-Christian lobby, even Santa Claus has tossed in the towel.  No, special occasions are a good time to keep your head down, and, just to be on the safe side, lie about your birthday on Facebook.
Celebrations?  Gone!

Have you ever wondered what happened to junk food?  Think about it!  One minute we’re chowin’ down on cheeseburgers, fries and a Coke, happy as clams. The next thing we know, it’s all 90 calorie, gluten-free, low sodium, Tai Chi chicken salad.  Whoa!  The point of junk food is … it’s junk!  It’s supposed to be bad for you!  Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a whore for a hug — why bother?
Junk Food?  Not gone, but smothered in guilt.

Did you know there are historical records which categorically prove that sex is supposed to be messy?  That’s right!  It involves all manner of mouth-breathing, involuntary twitches and tensions, grinding, groaning, gripping and sticky stuff.  Orgasm, for most of human existence, was a noun not a verb (the verb was a lot more folksy) and for thousands of millennia, humans had body hair — and it wasn’t icky.   The antiseptic procedures most people practice these days are designed to tear the soul out of sex and make it just one more hyper-allergenic reward challenge of “the relationship.”
The Joy of Sex?  Replaced by I’m not sure what. . . .

And we all know what “relationships” are — they’re the long-winded workaholics idea of love slowly drowning in an ocean of issues and dialogue — until finally, totally fed up, even the dog’s had enough and wants to end it.
Love?  Dissolved away like sugar in the rain.

It was the original Puritans who banned Christmas, discouraged poetry, art and music.  They also got rid of theatre, dance and comedy.  They believed that life was a grim business and that they knew what was best for everybody.  Our contemporary puritans are a lot sneakier but just as grim — and just as certain of their own infallibility.  They’re definitely dedicated to stomping out fun, excitement and humour.  They scare the hell out of me and I tend to keep a low profile whenever they’re around.  However, on a totally unrelated matter, have you ever noticed that hipsters, university students and new parents never smile?  I wonder why!