Why Do They Hate Us?

Our western world is the most carefree, benevolent society in history. So why does half the rest of the world hate us while the other half is actively trying to kill us? It’s a conundrum, and a lot of learned minds have written volumes hoping to figure it out. Forget all that crap! It boils down to the 3Gs: Grocery stores, Game shows and Golf.

Grocery Stores – In North America, there’s enough food in the average grocery store to feed a 3rd World village for the better part of a decade. There’s fresh food, frozen food, canned food, processed food and food that isn’t even food anymore. (BTW, what does “meal replacement” actually mean?) We’ve got so much food there’s an entire aisle devoted to food whose only purpose is to go on top of other food. There’s another aisle for the food we eat between the times we’re eating food. We can buy food and use it to decorate other food — and then just throw it away. Incredible as it sounds, grocery stores even have a whole bunch of food that’s actually bad for us — not to mention the 600 different kinds of sugar water we can buy to wash it all down with. And that’s just one grocery store: there are thousands and thousands of them. The industrialized West has more food than it could ever possibly eat.

Game Shows – Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and The Price is Right are absolute WTF moments in modern living. Contestants can walk away from these programs with more money than billions of people on this planet can earn in a lifetime — and they do it in 30 minutes or less. And what do they have to do to collect all this coin? Not much beyond spinning the big game wheel or making it “a true daily double, Alex.” However, for insult to injury TV, nothing beats Survivor. The premise of this game is that, for a month and a half, a group of Americans have to live the way the rest of the world lives all the time. After six weeks, the person who is sneaky, cunning and manipulative enough to outlast everybody else, wins a million dollars. (A million dollars!) That’s folding money in any country’s currency.

Golf – Nobody actually knows how much money is spent in the Western world on golf. Even a conservative guess would put it somewhere around the accumulated GNPs of 50 of the world’s poorest nations. A quick inventory of balls, clubs, tees, gloves, a bag, shoes, a collared shirt, and the dicky little hat and you’re into the game for a couple of thousand. Add green fees, cart rentals and all the other etceteras and you’re looking at five figures to bang your balls around a pasture every week. And that’s what it is — a Members Only pasture — and we have thousands of them. Plus, we soak these pastures with billions of litres of drinkable water, thousands of metric tonnes of fertilizer and millions of working hours in maintenance. (Some places cut their putting greens with lasers!) To produce? Nothing — beyond huge tracts of immaculately manicured, inedible grass. All for the sole purpose of getting a little white ball into a tiny round hole, hundreds of yards away from where we’re originally standing.

These are the 3Gs, and it’s this kind of in-your-face affluence that pisses people off.

Women VS Girls

I like women. The problem is, they seem to have disappeared. The nom de guerre of 21st Century female might be “badass bitch” but the poster child is — unfortunately — a girl. Look around! The media’s obsession with youth has produced this strange caricature of women that, at best, defies reality and, at worst, is just laughable. These days, the feminine ideal has been distilled down to an uneven blend of Bella Swan and Sailor Moon. After that, it’s a megaleap to Meryl Streep and Maggie Smith. There’s nothing in between.

Jessica Alba, Kirsten Dunst and Kristen Bell are all well into their 30s, but they remain “girls” in the movies they make. Elizabeth Taylor played Cat on a Hot Tin Roof when she was 26. These “older women” are just too candy-cane sweet to even attempt that. The only one of the current thirtysomethings bunch who might do justice to Maggie is Scarlett Johansson, but she’s too busy being a skin-tight Black Widow in the Marvel™ universe.

Lauren Bacall was 20 when she played Slim in To Have and Have Not, and she didn’t look the least bit out of place next to Humphrey Bogart. Audrey Hepburn was 25 when she played Sabrina. Vivien Leigh was in her 20s when she was Scarlett O’Hara, and Ava Gardner was 24 as Kitty Collins in The Killers. All of these characters were women, not girls.

In contrast, for example, nobody thinks it’s the least bit odd that Amy Adams was in her 30s when she harnessed on the ball gown to play a looking-for-love Disney Princess in Enchanted. BTW, I’m not ragging on Amy Adams — she pulled it off. My point is, why are grown women always expected to act like girls, these days? And they are: even when their characters are long past the age of consent.

I understand times have changed in 60 years. People are different. We see gender roles differently and extended adolescence is an integral part of our society. However, I think it’s pretty strange that we don’t let female actresses act their age until they’re old enough to be somebody’s grandma.

Say what you like about sexism in Hollywood back in the day; at least women were allowed to be grownups!

We Don’t Tango Anymore!

There are places where it’s illegal for teenagers to have sex because the authorities are worried it might lead kids to the tango. The tango is Adults Only, any way you slice it. It takes sophistication and patience to understand the sensual rhythm of two people moving with each other when they’re barely touching. Exotic? Erotic? All of the above? Unfortunately, in our time, we don’t tango all that much. We let the professionals do it and watch, as if it were pornography. Why? I blame the “relationship.” This nasty euphemism has not only ruined the tango for ordinary people; it’s responsible for most of what’s wrong with love in the 21st century. Here’s the deal:

1 – What the hell does “relationship” even mean? Unlike love, there’s nothing special about a relationship. We all have relationships with any number of people, from our colleagues to the kid who delivers the pizza. Push comes to shove, I have a relationship with my houseplants: they’re beautiful, and I water them. If I don’t, they’ll crisp up and croak; then we both lose. Personally, I think using the same word to describe what’s going on with the love of your life and your $19.00 bougainvillea is just a bit dismissive.

2 – People are always talking about taking their “relationship” to another level. Look, (nudge/nudge, wink/wink) we all know this means sex. Folks, love is not a video game with orgasms. You don’t collect points for getting the dinner reservations right or remembering an anniversary, then cash them in some rainy night when you’re feeling lonely. That’s not how it works. Trying to figure out sex is difficult enough. Turning it into a Reward Challenge is just sick!

3 – “Relationship” words all suck. I want to “be with him.” I have “feelings for her.” Who are these people talking about — their grandmas? You can’t sterilize passion. Once you do, it isn’t passion anymore.

4 – People are always working at their “relationships” as if they were some kind of emotional salt mine. Honestly, if it’s that difficult, why bother? After all, love is supposed to be fun.

5 – And finally, being “in a relationship” sounds like you’re bunking in for the weekend (or maybe slightly longer.) The extraordinary connotation of the “relationship” is it’s temporary. It has a definite beginning, a middle and an end. I’ll grant you, few of us mate for life anymore, but I, for one, think love is valuable enough to at least give it a try.

People fall in love. We can’t help it. It’s marvelous and messy, but we shouldn’t try to institutionalize the romance out of it. When we do, we lose beautiful things like the tango. We don’t tango anymore because we’re too busy working on our “relationships.” We haven’t got time to see the person right in front of us and realize they’re hearing the music, too.

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