Why DID The Chicken Cross The Road?

Why did the chicken cross the road? Our time is so terminally serious that a lot of people think this is a real question, and more importantly, an opportunity to jump on their soapbox and give the world the benefit of their answer. Here are just a few examples.

Will this be on the exam?
University freshman

To die in a ditch – alone.
University sophomore

I know why, but you wouldn’t understand.
University senior

I’m up to my ass in student loans: I don’t care.
University graduate

Chickens are running for their lives since the Trump administration announced it would be adding chicken soup to the White House cafeteria lunch menu.
CNN

To sell its eggs on our side of the road and destroy the American poultry industry.
Fox News

This is what happens to British agriculture when a bunch of uneducated yobs vote for Brexit.
BBC

I think we better take a look at the slo-mo video review of that– to make sure the chicken actually did get across the road.
ESPN Sports

Chicken on the road! You won’t believe the “shocking” video!
Huffington Post

That question will be answered in a 10-part original series — with Jennifer Lawrence as Chicken Little and Alec Baldwin as the Cock of the Walk.
Netflix

We don’t care why, but we will accept one million chickens who are fleeing their side of the road.
Angela Merkel

We are not racist, but we’re glad the chickens are going back to their own side of the road.
Madame Marine Le Pen

On behalf of all Canadians, we apologize for our ancestors who built a road that the chicken was forced to cross.
Justin Trudeau

To try and escape from our awesome nuclear arsenal. But there is no escape, and I will rain fire down on any chicken who dares challenge my supreme power.
Kim Jong-un

I have no knowledge of this chicken. It wasn’t a Russian chicken, and anyone who says it was — is misinformed.
Vladimir Putin

He didn’t! Fake news! Not funny!
Donald Trump

Colonel Sanders is sexist.
Serena Williams

I’m smarter than that chicken.
Kanye West

I walk down the middle of the road.
Taylor Swift

We must end our dependence on fossil fuels, and then there would be no need for roads, chickens would run free, and families could just gather the eggs for food.
Environmentalist

Did you know that millions of chickens are suffering and never get the chance to cross a road?
PETA

One percent of the world’s population controls 90% of the chickens and 80% of the roads. That’s not fair.
Activist

I’d like to live in a world where chickens can cross roads without everyone questioning their motivation.
Facebook activist

Chickens have just as much right to cross the road as roosters do.
20^th Century feminist

What’s your problem with an empowered female following her passion in a rooster-dominated society?
21^st Century feminist

But my favourite is

Wow! Wouldn’t it be weird to have feathers and shit, and like we could fly everywhere, and instead of having babies, we could just like lay eggs? Cool!
Over-enthusiastic Cannabis User

Dear Young People

Fair is fair! Last week, I wrote a piece called “Dear Old People” and put the boots to old buggers carrying on and on and on about “the good old days” and how super special they were. Now it’s time to put the shoe on the other foot and explain to this current generation that they’ve got nothing to be smug about (as if they could get any smugger!) Here are a few things young people need to remember before they start shooting off their mouths about how uber-cool they are.

You didn’t invent sex, and from what I’ve seen recently on TV and in the movies, you’re not even doing it right.

And speaking of movies, when your largest contribution to cinematic history and Western culture is various super people beating the crap out of each other, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

You did, however, invent Twitter — the nastiest, meanest, pettiest, most judgemental, disrespectful form of communication in human history — and history will hold you accountable for that.

Angry Face emojis aren’t actually going to change the world.

And instead of just sitting around talking about saving the planet, you might try picking up those paper coffee cups and plastic water bottles you’ve been throwing all over the place.

Quit complaining! God! Spending half your life offended and the other half bitching about it has got to be a miserable existence.

When your biggest concern in life is celebrity gossip, you’ve got a serious hole in your soul.

“Brave” — you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Zombies aren’t real — and neither are Disney princesses, Jedi knights or the MCU. Talking about this stuff all the time is like debating what kind of cookies Santa Claus likes best.

A tattoo doesn’t mean you’re unique, spiritual or a badass. It means that you have disposable income – just like everybody else west of the Vistula.

And BTW:

The entire world, from Baltimore to Borneo, is sick of hearing about your stupid student loan. You borrowed thousands of dollars to study Post-modern Ventriloquism – what the hell did you expect?

Illustration: Luis Quiles

The Loss Of “I Don’t Know”

One of the weird casualties of the 21^st century is that insignificant little phrase, “I don’t know.” Think about it! When was the last time you heard anybody say “I don’t know”? It’s been awhile, right? We don’t say “I don’t know” anymore because, in actual fact, we do know – literally everything. It’s called a smart phone, and it puts all of us within a couple of swipes of the knowledge of the universe. Unfortunately, this minor adjustment in the way we use our language has had a major impact on our society.

Personally, I lament the loss of “I don’t know.” Back in the day, “I don’t know” helped us gracefully escape from all kinds of situations.

The strange guy on the street who smelled like dirty feet – (before Google Maps)
“Hey, dude, I think I’ve got, like, aliens following me. Do you know where the cop shop is so I can report them?”
Solution — “I don’t know”– and a quick walk the other way.

The boring girl at the party – (before IMDb)
“Who was that guy? You know– that guy. He was in that movie with Liam Neeson where he shoots all those people? You know– him. It was before he was famous. He has those pretty eyes. I can see him. And, and he was in that other movie– you know, the one with what’s-her-name. You know the guy?
Solution — “I don’t know”– and move on to the shrimp dip.

Aunt Myra’s problem with her antique bathroom – (before YouTube)
“When your uncle was alive, he used to take care of these things. I know I still have the tools somewhere. It’s probably just plugged under the sink.”
Solution — “I don’t know anything about plumbing, auntie. Sorry.”

The friend who wants you to help him move – (before Android Calendar)
“Come on, man! I gotta be out by the end of the month, or she’s going to throw all my stuff off the balcony. Please, please, please tell me you can give me a hand on Saturday?
Solution – “I don’t know. I’ll have to go home and check.”

It’s sad, but without the cushion of “I don’t know,” all of us are now saddled with a lot more responsibility, and I’m pretty sure Steve Jobs didn’t think about that back in 2005.

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