The Wonderful World Of Science

dimesion.jpgWe live in a wonderful scientific age.  In our time, the selective use of science can prove — or disprove — anything we like.  For example, did you know we live right next door to a parallel universe?  We do.  Now, I’m not one of the tinfoil hat brigade.  Nor do I hear voices from across the ether.  What I do have is some pretty compelling evidence that we are not alone in a uni-dimensional universe.  And with a little scientific analysis and some 21st century logic, we can see just how dangerous these beings from “the other side” are.  Let’s look at the facts.

The Socks In The Dryer Conundrum
Evidence — How many time have you put a load of laundry into the dryer, gone back an hour later and discovered you suddenly have a odd number of socks?  It happens all the time — right?  Plus, and this is the weird bit, it’s never bed sheets, blue jeans or pajamas that disappear — only socks.  Clearly, we don’t think the dryer ate the missing socks — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — The only logical explanation is the spinning dryer must create a vortex that allows beings from another dimension to travel here and steal our socks.
Conclusion — These extra-dimensional beings have no regard for the human concept of private property; they’re totally dishonest and they can’t be trusted.  Also, since we know socks come in pairs, they’re probably stealing individual socks for their third foot.  Therefore, we can logically conclude they must have three legs.

The Where Did My Stuff Go? Mystery
Evidence — How many times have you reached for your key, your gloves, your telephone, etc. and discovered the item is missing?  You check all the places it could be, retrace your steps, search the house, the office, the car and still can’t find it.  Then, suddenly, the item reappears in the most unlikely spot.  Clearly, we don’t think the item moved itself — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Since we already know beings from the other dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel (see #1) we can assume that, once again, they are stealing our stuff.  However, why are they giving it back?  Obviously, unlike the socks, they neither need nor want our personal items.
Conclusion — Extra-dimensional beings are taking our things away for analysis and then returning them when they’ve collected the information they need.  This is pure intelligence gathering.  They want to know all about us so they can find our weaknesses.  And since they don’t keep things like key fobs and smart phones, we can logically conclude they are more technologically advanced than we are.  Plus, since we never see the theft (and these beings aren’t — uh — invisible, LOL) we can deduce that they must be extremely fast, which is corroborated by the fact that they have three legs.

But here’s the proof that seals the deal:

The Extra Stuff Enigma
Evidence — How many times have you been looking through a drawer or cupboard and found an electronic cord that doesn’t fit anything, a key without a lock, a lock without a key, plastic container lids that don’t fit any containers, breath mints in the bottom of your pocket, a single battery, pens, pennies, paperclips, the list goes on and on.  We all have this kinda stuff kickin’ around and have no idea where it came from.  Clearly, we don’t think these items just appeared by magic — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Extra-dimensional beings are not only stealing things from us but also leaving things behind.  This is the inter-dimensional equivalent of littering.
Conclusion — Inter-dimensional beings are throwing things out in our dimension because — in their own dimension — the garbage bins are full.  Since we already know their civilization is more advanced than ours (see #2) we can only assume that they have an even bigger waste management crisis than we do.

So let’s put it all together

Super Conclusion — Here are the facts.
1 — Three-legged beings in a parallel dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel.
2 — They have a disregard for private property.
3 — They’re gathering intelligence to discover our weaknesses.
4 — They’re in an environmental crisis.
The only logical conclusion we can come to is our world is being probed by extra-dimensional aliens who are about to invade us and use our planet as a gigantic garbage dump.

Thanks, science!  You’ve done it again!

Just For Fun: March 2017

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Good Luck With April Fool’s Day, Everybody

Why Aliens Won’t Talk To Us

aliens1Unless you flunked out of Math, Science, Stats, Probability, Literature, Philosophy, Biology and Logic — all at the same time — you realize that millions of galaxies, billions of stars and trillions of planets equal a damn good chance that there is intelligent life (besides us) somewhere in the Universe.  It just makes sense, right?

So why won’t aliens talk to us?

BTW, Bubba and Bobbi-Sue’s shaky iPhone video of the sun glinting off a Frisbee™ doesn’t constitute alien contact.  And — just for the record — aliens probably have better things to do with their time than probe fat guys, lose their skulls in Central America or leave painfully childish clues to their existence for weirdo TV documentary film makers to find.  (Just sayin’!)

So, with no credible evidence, we must assume that aliens simply don’t want to talk to us.  Why?

I think that they think we’re strange.  And not just regular isn’t-that-cute strange, either.  Let me give you a few examples to demonstrate:

Cricket — Try explaining this to somebody who doesn’t already understand the game.  It’s the only sporting activity that stops for whiskey, tea, sandwiches, dessert and a cigar, and comes with a warning label, “May cause soul-eating boredom, severe depression and thoughts of suicide.”  And this is what some humans consider fun?

English Spelling — Whoever thought up the rules for spelling English words was drunk, stoned and stupid.  The letters, the sounds and the phonics are not even close, and for non-English speakers, it must look as if every word has its very own set of rules.  Good luck translating that into anything beyond Klingon!

Yoga Pants — What would you think if you were an alien?

DIY Television Programs — The guy on TV uses the same material, tools and technique as I do, plus I follow his instructions to the letter.  However, his birdfeeder looks as if  it were hand crafted by the Elves of Lothlorien, whereas mine looks like it was hammered together by the Orcs of Mordor.  There is no justice on this planet.  (Aliens can sense this.)

But the real reason aliens don’t talk to us (among tons of others.)

Crop Circles — Aliens must sit around their flying saucers laughing their various body parts off.  Here we humans are, the dominant species on this planet, and we’re so dumbass stupid we believe that intelligent beings, clearly capable of intergalactic travel, are attempting to communicate by stumbling around Southern England in the middle of the night, making geometric designs in corn fields?  On what level is this even close to being reasonable?

Or maybe it’s just simply that aliens would rather talk to chickens. After all, they’re obviously not interested in us.