Tag: stupid people

I Call Bullshit — Time Travel!

time travel

I don’t believe in Time Travel.  And I don’t give a rat’s ass what Einstein, Carl Sagan and Dr. Who have to say about it!

Time travel is the unicorn of our human experience: everybody’s heard of it and can describe it in vivid detail, but there’s not one shred of tangible evidence to prove it actually exists.  Yeah, yeah, yeah! Theories of Quantum Physics, or mechanics, or some other mumbo-jumbo say it could happen, but … my mother said if I skipped stones down the alley, I’d put somebody’s eye out.  Yeah, right!  Besides, most of the folks spouting these theories are basement dwellers who spend tons of time watching The Space Channel but haven’t quite got around to finishing Junior College.

If – IF? – time travel does exist, then I have a few questions — and none of them has anything to do with Flux Capacitors.

1 — How come we’re not up to our elbows in antique dealers?  There should be an army of futuristic entrepreneurs — marching around, buying everything from rotary phones to can openers in our time, taking them back home and cashing in.

2 — Why didn’t somebody go back to Germany, 1933 and zap Adolf Hitler?  Okay, some place in the future, a bunch of guys are sitting around a bar, having a few adult beverages and putting on the brag.  I simply can’t believe that, in all the years of future history, not one of them — ever – will stand up and say, “Hey, hold my beer … I’m gonna go prevent World War II!”

3 — How come every person who claims to be a time traveler – isn’t?  We live in a world where, if you stumble on a curb, it’s upload to Instagram, Snapchat and YouTube — in seconds!  It beggars disbelief that somebody wandering around, looking like an extra from Star Trek, would go unnoticed.

4 – How come future gamblers aren’t winning every lottery, Keno game and sports bet on the planet?  I’m pretty sure criminals in the future would think of this.  Biff did.

But I’ve saved the best for last:

5 – Why aren’t historical events overflowing with time-travelling tourists?  I have a friend who would love to have seen the premiere of Hamlet – and she’s not the only one.  Imagine what kind of an audience you’d get for the Gettysburg Address, the Signing of the Magna Carta, or Columbus’ first foot in the New World?  And it’s not a one off: it’s time travel!  People could go every week – generation after generation!  Logically, there should be a couple of million people hanging out watching Da Vinci paint Mona — or waiting in line to witness the Wright brothers “slip the surly bonds of earth” at Kitty Hawk.

 

I Call Bullshit

We live in desperate times when the combination of an omnipotent social media and slipshod education has produced a generation whose philosophical IQ is measured out in clichés.  I call bullshit!  Let me demonstrate with a random selection of the trite musings running around the Internet these days.

dumb-people

The meek shall inherit the Earth — Yeah, I know it’s biblical, but in 2017 some Wall Street investment broker with a roomful of lawyers is going to contest the will.

Age is only a number — You ever notice the people spouting this nonsense are all under 35?

That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger — Clearly, whoever thought this one up was never hit by a bus.  When they haul you away from that little mishap, you’ll wish to hell the bus hadda finished the job.

White Privilege — Why am I being arbitrarily profiled because my ancestors happen to come from Northern Europe?  We have a name for people who judge other people by their racial ancestry. . . .

Everything happens for a reason — Do you really think the universe cares if you fall down the stairs?  Google Copernicus, ya moron!

Do what you love and the money will follow — I want to see the person who’s going to pay me to eat Doritos™, drink Pepsi™ and binge-watch Netflix™.

Life is what happens to you while you’re making other plans — This is nothing more than a bad excuse for never making any plans in the first place.

You have to look through the rain to see the rainbow — You’re at a bus stop on a deserted highway.  It’s 9:30 at night and pissin’ down rain.  You haven’t seen a bus, a car, a person or a stray dog in over an hour.  Three bikers pull up and ask for your wallet.  Oh, look!  There’s the rainbow!

If life hands you a lemon, make lemonade — This might be true if life also handed you a pitcher, some water, sugar and something to stir it all with, and — BTW — one lemon isn’t going to make very much lemonade.

And finally:

Money isn’t everything/Money can’t buy happiness — I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor: take a wild guess which one I prefer.

Stupid Is As Stupid Was

quotesIt’s generally agreed that we’re living in an age of extraordinary stupidity.  Our role models are celebrities whose careers consist of wardrobe malfunctions, the highest ambitions of our children don’t reach higher than the stars of Reality TV, and our vision of the future is Season 8 of The Walking Dead.  Let’s face it, folks: Einstein, Newton, Archimedes and Copernicus are all spinning in their graves — even though most of us don’t know who the hell those people are!  However, here’s a thought: I don’t actually believe the human race is any stupider now, than it’s ever been. It’s just that, these days, our technology makes us aware of it.  Here are a few quotes from the past which illustrate my point.  First of all:

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”  Charles H Duell, Commissioner of US Office of Patents — 1899

Telephone

“It is impossible to transmit speech electrically. The ‘telephone’ is as mythical as the unicorn.”  Johan Poggendorrf, German physicist — 1860

“This telephone has too any shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.”  Western Union internal memo — 1876

Film

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”  H.W. Warner (Warner Brothers Studio) — 1927

“I have determined that there is no market for talking pictures.”  Thomas Edison — 1926

Television

“Theoretically, television may be feasible, but I consider it an impossibility — a development which we should waste little time dreaming about.” Lee de Forest, inventor of the cathode ray — 1926

“Television won’t last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” Darryl Zanuck, movie producer — 1946

“Television won’t last. It’s a flash in the pan.”
Mary Somerville, radio personality — 1948

Computers

“There’s no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.”  Ken Olson, Digital Equipment Corporation — 1977

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”  Thomas J. Watson, Chairman IBM — 1943

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”  Bill Gates — 1981

“The truth is no online database will replace your daily newspaper.” Cliff Stoll, Newsweek — 1995

Flight

“Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if not utterly impossible,”  Simon Newcomb, mathematician — 1902 (two weeks before the Wright brothers proved him wrong.)

“Airplanes are interesting toys, but they have no military value.”  Marshal Ferdinand Foch — 1911

Odds and Ends

“It will be years – not in my time – before a woman will become Prime Minister.”  Margaret Thatcher — 1974

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.” Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology — 1872

“No audience will ever be able to take more than ten minutes of animation.”
Walt Disney executive, considering Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs — 1930s

“That ‘rainbow’ song is no good. It slows the picture down.” an MGM producer, after first screening of The Wizard of Oz — 1939

But this is my favourite:

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles — 1962

I rest my case.