Spelling Counts!


Valentine’s Day is over; next stop, St. Paddy’s Day.  So, as winter clings to the Northern Hemisphere like a drunk clinging to a lamp post, and Mother Nature and Old Man Winter fight it out to see who marks the calendar this month, let’s find a cozy place out of the wind and rain, take a page out of Puck’s book and wonder “what fools [we] mortals be!”

Celebrity tattoos are as common as hen poop in a barnyard, so it’s no big deal that Orlando Bloom got a new one the other day.  You remember Orlando Bloom: he’s the “actor” who played Legolas, a Middle Earth elf with an emotional range of .07 on a scale of 1 to 1,000.  Anyway, it seems Mr. Bloom was having a little trouble remembering his son’s name (Flynn) and, rather than constantly bother his entourage about it, he decided to get it permanently inked into his arm.  Problem solved?  Not quite!  First of all, Standard Written English wasn’t cool enough for Bloom, so he had it printed in Morse code, a form of communication that’s been dead since Roy Rogers roamed the Earth.  Unfortunately, something got screwed up in the translation, and they spelled the name wrong.  Okay, a “dot” here, a “dash” there; it was an honest mistake.  But here’s the good part.  Nobody noticed!  Obviously, tattoo artists are not known for their cryptographic skills and there’s no app I know of that spellchecks Morse code, but … here’s the deal!

You’re an A-list (high B-list?) movie star.
You’ve got a ton of people around you every day with nothing better to do than suck up to you.
Every single one of them has an iPhone, iPad, iWatch, iWhatever.
Yet, not one of them, from your publicist to your personal assistant, cared enough about you to take 30 seconds and say, “Siri, what’s Flynn in Morse code?”

That, boys and girls, is a cold and lonely life.

Anyway, the ink dried, and there’s Orlando on Instagram, proud as a puppy with a chewed-up slipper.  He’s selfie-d a forearm shiver with what looks like a surgical diagram drawn on it, and the teasing caption reads “new #tattoo can you guess who?”

And here is where we veer off into the land of WTF!

Apparently, Orlando’s Instagram audience includes more than a few people who took the time and trouble to figure out his body art was Morse code (Remember: it’s not a written language.) and then were willing to spend even more time translating it. (I doubt if many people can do Morse code from memory, these days.)  Plus, they know enough about the life and times of Orlando Bloom to realize that this was his son’s name and that the dolt had misspelled it.  Then, they felt morally compelled to publicly point that out to him – a number of times.

At last glance, Orlando and son are doing fine, despite the looming years of therapy.  But honestly, folks!  Our world has a bunch of people with way too much time on their hands.

Young People, Beware!

tattooYoung people, beware!  The world is full of voices dishing out unsolicited advice about how you should live your life.  Most of it is just vague crap like stay in school, don’t do drugs, travel, save your money, take risks, etc. etc.  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Good luck tryin’ to do all that in a 24 hour day without taking amphetamines.  The problem is not one of these modern day Poloniuses is being honest with you.  Here’s the deal.  Life is surprisingly long, it’s changeable and, unfortunately, it’s those little decisions that have the uncanny ability to show up years later and make you look like a loser.  Here are some truths.

Tattoos — Rethink the ink.  Back in the day, body art was cool, but this is 2016 and tattoos have become the monogram of the middle class.  They’re about as badass as a minivan.  The reality is, if you truly believe gothic demons, “Sexy Lady” or the Chinese character for “Bliss” is still going to be primo important to you when you’re 50, you have a distinct lack of imagination.  That’s like keeping your highschool hair style for 30 years!  However, if you must get dermatologically decorated, think small because, as you get older, gigantic, saggy-ass tattoos are a spectacular way to tell the world your party’s over.

Smoking — That’s just stupid.

Sex tapes — Don’t!  I know the temptation is almost unbearable, but recording your sexual adventures is never a good idea.  There are just too many ways for your private passions to become public property.  Even if you’re completely comfortable with Rashid, down at the grocery store, critiquing your technique with the produce manager — while you’re standing there — it’s going to be mega awkward in twenty years when 12 year old Emma accidently stumbles on Mom and what may (or may not) be Daddy, orally engaged.  That, my friends, is a dignity killer!

And finally

Bad relationships — Don’t waste your time.  The difference between love and lust can be measured in shots of tequila.  Never try to justify horny with violins and roses.  Sometimes, they’re the same — no doubt.  However, wanting to have sex with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve met your soulmate.  True love does exist but … that ache in the bottom of your belly might just be a bad case of libido.  Think of it this way!  Love is fun, so if you’re spending more time “trying to make this relationship work” than actually enjoying it — it’s time to move on.  Bitter can become a bad habit.

We all get old eventually; that’s the easy part.  It’s the little things that let you do it gracefully.