Young People, Beware!

Young people, beware! The world is full of voices dishing out unsolicited advice about how you should live your life. Most of it is just vague crap like stay in school, don’t do drugs, travel, save your money, take risks, etc. etc. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Good luck tryin’ to do all that in a 24 hour day without taking amphetamines. The problem is not one of these modern day Poloniuses is being honest with you. Here’s the deal. Life is surprisingly long, it’s changeable and, unfortunately, it’s those little decisions that have the uncanny ability to show up years later and make you look like a loser. Here are some truths.

Tattoos — Rethink the ink. Back in the day, body art was cool, but this is 2016 and tattoos have become the monogram of the middle class. They’re about as badass as a minivan. The reality is, if you truly believe gothic demons, “Sexy Lady” or the Chinese character for “Bliss” is still going to be primo important to you when you’re 50, you have a distinct lack of imagination. That’s like keeping your highschool hair style for 30 years! However, if you must get dermatologically decorated, think small because, as you get older, gigantic, saggy-ass tattoos are a spectacular way to tell the world your party’s over.

Smoking — That’s just stupid.

Sex tapes — Don’t! I know the temptation is almost unbearable, but recording your sexual adventures is never a good idea. There are just too many ways for your private passions to become public property. Even if you’re completely comfortable with Rashid, down at the grocery store, critiquing your technique with the produce manager — while you’re standing there — it’s going to be mega awkward in twenty years when 12 year old Emma accidently stumbles on Mom and what may (or may not) be Daddy, orally engaged. That, my friends, is a dignity killer!

And finally

Bad relationships — Don’t waste your time. The difference between love and lust can be measured in shots of tequila. Never try to justify horny with violins and roses. Sometimes, they’re the same — no doubt. However, wanting to have sex with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve met your soulmate. True love does exist but … that ache in the bottom of your belly might just be a bad case of libido. Think of it this way! Love is fun, so if you’re spending more time “trying to make this relationship work” than actually enjoying it — it’s time to move on. Bitter can become a bad habit.

We all get old eventually; that’s the easy part. It’s the little things that let you do it gracefully.

Predictions — 2016

Predicting the future has been a money-maker since before Nostradamus scammed the pants off Catherine de Medici. The Greeks loved their oracles and the Romans specialized in reading entrails (which is a polite way of saying “Ewwww!”) So what the hell! It’s a new year and here are my predictions for 2016.

After “Grumpy Cat’s” animated dance against Climate Change goes viral on Facebook (over 1 million “Likes”) Mother Nature will finally realize the power of Social Media and quit dickin’ around with the weather.

In a surprise move, Michelle Obama will enter the race for President of the United States. Faced with another uber-cool, unbeatable Obama, Hillary Clinton will turn her back on politics, and in a fit of wild frustration, haul Bill out of his New York office and literall beat the livin’ crap outta him in the middle of 6th Avenue!

Vladimir Putin will launch himself into space on a Soyuz rocket fuelled entirely by his own ego.

In a rare show of solidarity, university students across the North America will declare that their university campuses are now “safe places.” They will go on to lock all the libraries until they can appoint a student committee brave enough to actually read the disturbing ideas written there.

China will cut down its last tree but will be applauded by environmentalists everywhere when they announce they’re going to build the world’s largest artificial forest made entirely of recycled wood fiber.

TMZ, E! and Buzzfeed will report that Kanye West smiled, but upon further investigation, it will turn out to be a cruel hoax.

Caitlyn Jenner will hold a press conference to say she’s tired of living a lie and admit she’s actually an undercover agent for a shadowy organization called The Patriarchy.

At their annual convention, the National Rifle Association will cease to exist when a lively debate on how to combat gun control turns deadly.

At this year’s Oscars, Sean Penn will reveal he has had the stick surgically removed from his ass but will be completely upstaged when, after years of trying, Johnny Depp finally achieves Maximum Cool and bursts into flames.

In an exclusive interview with Fox News, Donald Trump will state that his favourite book (nudge/nudge, wink/wink) is The Boys From Brazil. Later, he will admit he hasn’t coloured all the pictures yet.

The Mars Rover will transmit some amazing pictures of an Aussie backpacker trying to bum a ride.

Tired of all the accusations, FIFA will announce that Russia’s 2018 World Cup Final victory will be absolutely free of corruption.

ISIS will suffer a devastating blow when five of its seven leaders die laughing at the West’s latest comprehensive plan to stop international terrorism.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (Brangelina) will buy Burundi and legally adopt everybody living there.

And finally:

The European Union will abandon the Euro and go back to the barter system. Within a month, Greece will announce it has spent all its chickens and demand Germany return the poultry they ate during World War II.

Happy New Year and Good Luck

7 Rules For Resolutions

In North America, the top three New Year’s Resolutions are lose weight, get out of debt, and get organized. These are really good resolutions, but if you make any of them — as they stand — you’re doomed.

Most people approach New Year’s Resolutions as if they’ve just been convicted of a major crime — and the punishment starts January One. That’s not the way to do it. Here are a few simple rules that will almost guarantee resolution success – unless, like me — your New Year’s Resolution is “Quit Procrastinating.” In that case, we can do all this — tomorrow.

Be Specific – “I’m going to lose weight” doesn’t mean anything. 30 grams? 80 kilos? A New Year’s Resolution should never leap into the universe like that. It needs pinpoint accuracy. The difference between “I’m going to lose weight” and “I’m going to lose 5 kilos by Easter” is huge. One is a vague notion and the other is “Freeze! Put your hands in the air and step away from the pie.”.

What’s the Reward? – Let’s face it, without a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, ordinary folks like us tend to sit on our asses, looking at the pretty colours. So when you make a New Year’s Resolution, you need to show that inner donkey of yours a carrot. Quite simply, “I’m going to lose 5 kilos by Easter because the reality is fat bastards only have great sex in the movies.”

Be Reasonable — Your New Year’s Resolutions need a fighting chance to survive. For example, if you owe VISA half the national debt of Italy, it’s not reasonable to expect you’re going to get out of debt in 12 months. A more reasonable resolution would be, “I’m going to pay off just one credit card, chop it into little pieces, bake it into a brownie and give it to my bloodsucking banker next Christmas.”

Have a Plan – Turn “I’m going to get organized” into “I’m going to haul whatever is green and growling out of the refrigerator and throw it away.” Small is better. Downsize the tasks: first the fridge — finish it — then start on the closet. If you try to do everything at once, you’re just going to be overwhelmed and sink back into the debris.

Go Public – Tell everybody what you’re doing. There’s always some jerk who’s going to “I told you so!” if you’re still puffing the Marlboros next Christmas, but take the chance. Everybody needs a fan club, and you’d be surprised how many people are in your corner.

Bring a Friend – It’s a lot easier to do anything if you’ve got company. There’s no rule that says New Year’s Resolutions are solitary activities.

And finally, the #1 Rule:

Have Fun – Always remember a New Year’s Resolution isn’t punishment. If it feels that way, don’t make it in the first place.

Happy New Year — Good Luck!

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