Everybody Works (2022)

Everybody works.  Some work harder than others, some work smarter than others, but as each of us wanders along life’s incredible journey, we all have a relentless series of jobs to do.  Just to clarify – I’m not talking about gainful employment; I’m talking about all those nasty little tasks that haunt our otherwise leisured existence — everything from filling out income tax forms to assembling a Fridekgloben bookcase from Ikea.  This is the work that torments our souls.

Having survived on this planet for – uh – a number of years, I’ve done my share of personal chores and, without bragging, I’ve gained some valuable experience.  Here are just a few bits and bobs from what I’ve learned along the way.

1 – Every job takes longer than you think.  No matter how simple it looks or how comprehensively you’ve prepared, the task at hand is going to eat up more minutes than you bargained for.  (See items 4, 5, 6, 7 and sometimes 8 for a detailed explanation.)

2 – The rule of quarters.  No matter what you do, the first 75% of the job takes 25% of the time and the last 25% takes 75% — or more.

3 – Do as much as possible before lunch — cuz after lunch, you’re going to be useless.

4 – Something you need isn’t going to be there.  Whether it’s a particular medical receipt, a pinch of coriander, an account number or an oddly shaped one-use-only tool, there will be one item, that’s absolutely necessary to the task, which you either don’t have or can’t find.  This means you have to stop, search or go buy it – no other choice.  And, BTW, this never happens at the beginning of the adventure but always more than halfway through — when you’ve got everything torn up, half assembled, disassembled and/or spread out all over hell.

5 – There will be an essential piece of information missing.  Assembly instructions are notorious for this – the placement of Lock Washer #3 is a mystery known only to God.  Meanwhile, the Federal Government will not accept your tax return without an entry in Box 906a even though its purpose is a bigger secret than the contents of Area 51.  But the very worst are online forms that demand an encyclopedia of personal information and, after you’ve entered it all, flash the big red “Error” warning at you — while slyly refusing to tell you where the error occurred.

6 – The thing that’s supposed to fit … won’t.  Carpenters and plumbers know this and are skilled in Improvise, Adapt and Overcome, but the rest of us are utterly stunned when the last bolt’s too big, the connecting rod’s too short or the brand new muffin pans don’t fit in the oven.  The result is an extended period of swearing and weeping.

7 – The experience you gain from one task does not translate to anything else.  What you learned trimming the hedge doesn’t help you buy car insurance online.  Painting the porch and making a soufflé are straight chalk and cheese.  Every task demands a particular expertise, so whatever you attempt to do (unless you’re a poly-skilled professional, or spend your life watching YouTube) you’re going to waste a lot of time reinventing the wheel.

And finally:

8 – You can’t get there from here. – This doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens regularly enough to be included here.  Basically, there’s always a danger that the first touch on any project will set off a chain of disasters, each more expensive and time-consuming than the last.  The leaking faucet that eventually becomes a $5,000 plumbing job.  The birthday cake that ends up with a new stove.  The computer upgrade that resets your Netflix account to Serbia and your banking information to Good Shepherd Savings and Loan in Azerbaijan.  Seriously, I have a friend who tried to buy a paper shredder and is locked out of Amazon forever.  (Even they don’t know why.)

Yeah, we all have jobs to do, but I’ve discovered that only paid professionals and enthusiastic hobbyists get anything out of these mundane tasks.  The rest of us just have to grit and bear it.

Emily And The Badger II

The walk back was warmer – the morning was becoming noonish, and the winter sun was higher – but, then again, it might have been the brandy.

“You brew up a wicked batch of hooch, Duchess.”

Emily chuckled.

“Is that the same stuff we had last night?”

“Basically, but that back there?  That was pretty raw.  The boys were having a laugh.  They tapped a green barrel for your benefit.”

“But …?” Dreyfus shook his head and lifted his hand in question.

Emily laughed, “Oh!  They have a nasty, cold job, and it’s night work, and … so when I’m around, I usually drop in at the end of their shift, and we have a toddy.  Just a gesture.  When they saw us — there are no secrets at Pyaridge — they thought it would be cute to make you sputter a bit.”  Emily tilted her head, “Take it as a compliment.  But,” Emily stopped and turned to Dreyfus, “Do you mind?  Please don’t call me Duchess or Lady or … I get enough of that in public life, and people mostly get it wrong.”

“Certainly,” Dreyfus bobbed his head, “Milady.” And he smiled his half snarl twinkle smile, “Sorry, I couldn’t resist one last time.”

Emily gave him a mitten slap on the shoulder, and they started walking again.

“But I do have a question.  Why are you Lady Perry-Turner and not Lady Weldon?  I looked it up when Sydney told me who you actually were, and that’s what Burke’s said you’re supposed to be.”

“Oh, that.” Emily pointed to her left.  “No, we’re going to the stables first.  I want to see the horses and talk to Billie.”

“We’re not riding?” Dreyfus was sceptical and concerned.

Emily waved her left hand, “No, you’re off the hook – for today.  Dawna and Billie will be back soon, so we’ll just wait for them and then go up to lunch.”

“Lunch?  We just had breakfast.”

Emily smiled at him.  “You’ll get the hang of country living eventually.”

“Probably not — but lead the way,” Dreyfus said, gesturing forward.  “So what’s the story?”

Emily thought about it for a moment, as they walked.  It was one thing to talk about stables and fox hunting; quite another to trot out the family laundry.  But she never really hesitated.  She had decided back in London that she wanted Sinclair on whatever terms, and if he wanted to know, she’d tell him.  Her only real concern was that he might not be interested.

“It’s difficult to know where to start.  Uh — my great-grandfather was David Turner, Sir David, actually.  He made his money in shoes.  He married my great-grandmother Vera, who was, by default, the Duchess.  That goes back too far to explain.  Let’s just say my family has Royal Letters Patent that can set aside primogeniture and allow women to inherit and hold the title suo jure – umm – that means – um,” Emily wagged her hands searching for the words, “In their own right.  (That’s me, too, by the way.)  But anyway, after the First World War, all the Perry men were dead; in fact, all the men were dead.  A whole generation of local gentry simply vanished.  So, in 1919, husbands were hard to come by, and great-grandma Vera needed one.  But that’s another long story.  Anyway, Sir David came back from the war with a wooden leg and the other foot on the social ladder.  He was a poacher who wanted to be a gamekeeper.  He also had a serious drug habit.  The story goes that he used to sprinkle cocaine in his opium pipe and smoke it in the library after breakfast.  Anyway, it was like at first sight — or, at least, not dislike — and he and Vera were married before the ink was dry on the peace treaty.  However, Sir David refused to go to the altar unless ‘Turner’ was added to the family name.  That’s how we came to be Perry-Turners.  And, because he couldn’t be a Duke or even Lord Weldon, he insisted the designation be changed so he could style himself ‘Lord Perry-Turner’ instead of just plain old ‘Sir.’  The House of Lords wouldn’t help him out on that, so he took it to Buck House.”

Dreyfus’ look was the question.

“Buckingham Palace.  And he was given a letter, signed by George V, that said he could have it any way he liked.  It’s in the library if you want to see it.  That’s why I can be called Lady Perry-Turner or Lady Weldon or Duchess or …”

“Just not by me.”

 They had arrived at another set of white stone buildings, surrounded by white plank fencing — much smaller than the stables but built in the same style.

“This used to be the woodsheds, then the coal sheds.  Then they were empty for years, so when we converted the stables, I moved the horses up here.  Some people think it’s too close to the house, but some people think we shouldn’t keep horses at all.”

(Undoubtedly the bean-counting Ms. Miller.)

“That’s a pretty impressive story.”  Dreyfus said, thinking he’d like to move Emily around the corner, out of sight of the house and kiss her.

“By all accounts, Sir David was a charming fellow — even if he was stoned most of the time.”  But Emily was distracted, looking out over the grounds.  Then she whistled.  “Here’s Billie and Dawna with the dogs.”

Thwarted and feeling it, Dreyfus’ voice was a little blunt. “What do you want Billie for?”

Emily turned her head sharply.  It was the woman from the photograph.  Dreyfus had seen her before – clear, confident on the edge of severe.  Lady Perry-Turner was not used to being questioned, and certainly not in the shadow of her own house.  For a nanosecond … and then … it was Sinclair standing there – her Sinclair.  She smiled.

“He’s going to help me shoot a badger.”

You can read more about Dreyfus and Emily’s Christmas adventure here.

Top 10 Jokes of 2022

If you take the world seriously (which I haven’t for some years now) there’s enough going wrong these days that even optimists are getting the Windex out to clean their rose-coloured glasses.  Just when we thought things couldn’t get any worse – they did.  People are starting to read Kafka for laughs and Cormac McCarthy is beginning to look downright light-hearted.  However, rather than dwell on the obvious let’s stop for a moment, pour a beverage and relax.

Remember, August is that time of year when the local folks of Edinburgh rent their houses out for mucho dinero and bugger off to Spain; chased out of their town by the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  For those of you who’ve never heard of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, that’s too bad because it’s the greatest mish-mash of all-things-considered in the world.  The Edinburgh Fringe is actually several coexisting arts festivals that run amok, day and night, through the streets of Edinburgh for the entire month of August.  It was started in the late 1940s by some university students, and even though it’s become internationally huge, it still maintains its undergraduate Alphagetti-for-breakfast air.

One of the biggest parts of The Fringe is comedy; some good, some bad, some awful.  And even though humour has been outlawed by the woke crew the Fringe keeps plugging away.  And after a Covid hiatus, it has produced a Top Ten list of the funniest jokes of the Festival.  This is this year’s offering.  So, as the world continues to spin, tune out for a second and remember we’re still the funniest species on the planet.

1. “I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta” – Masai Graham

2. “Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next-day delivery” – Mark Simmons

3. “My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock” – Olaf Falafel

4. “By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I – but it is the same house and it is the same family” – Hannah Fairweather

5. “I hate funerals – I’m not a mourning person” – Will Mars

6. “I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back” – Olaf Falafel

7. “I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx” – Richard Pulsford

8. “I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery” – Tim Vine

9. “Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate” – Sophie Duker

10. “I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days” – Will Duggan