Tag: getting old

Young People, Beware!

tattooYoung people, beware!  The world is full of voices dishing out unsolicited advice about how you should live your life.  Most of it is just vague crap like stay in school, don’t do drugs, travel, save your money, take risks, etc. etc.  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Good luck tryin’ to do all that in a 24 hour day without taking amphetamines.  The problem is not one of these modern day Poloniuses is being honest with you.  Here’s the deal.  Life is surprisingly long, it’s changeable and, unfortunately, it’s those little decisions that have the uncanny ability to show up years later and make you look like a loser.  Here are some truths.

Tattoos — Rethink the ink.  Back in the day, body art was cool, but this is 2016 and tattoos have become the monogram of the middle class.  They’re about as badass as a minivan.  The reality is, if you truly believe gothic demons, “Sexy Lady” or the Chinese character for “Bliss” is still going to be primo important to you when you’re 50, you have a distinct lack of imagination.  That’s like keeping your highschool hair style for 30 years!  However, if you must get dermatologically decorated, think small because, as you get older, gigantic, saggy-ass tattoos are a spectacular way to tell the world your party’s over.

Smoking — That’s just stupid.

Sex tapes — Don’t!  I know the temptation is almost unbearable, but recording your sexual adventures is never a good idea.  There are just too many ways for your private passions to become public property.  Even if you’re completely comfortable with Rashid, down at the grocery store, critiquing your technique with the produce manager — while you’re standing there — it’s going to be mega awkward in twenty years when 12 year old Emma accidently stumbles on Mom and what may (or may not) be Daddy, orally engaged.  That, my friends, is a dignity killer!

And finally

Bad relationships — Don’t waste your time.  The difference between love and lust can be measured in shots of tequila.  Never try to justify horny with violins and roses.  Sometimes, they’re the same — no doubt.  However, wanting to have sex with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve met your soulmate.  True love does exist but … that ache in the bottom of your belly might just be a bad case of libido.  Think of it this way!  Love is fun, so if you’re spending more time “trying to make this relationship work” than actually enjoying it — it’s time to move on.  Bitter can become a bad habit.

We all get old eventually; that’s the easy part.  It’s the little things that let you do it gracefully.

 

Older and (somewhat) Wiser?

There are tons of old people lists floating around the Internet.  They run all the way from old advertisements with doctors smoking cigarettes to lists of things that the world had never even heard of when grandma was a kid.  Some of them have this smug undercurrent of “things were so much better in my day,” but generally they’re all just harmless ways to play Remember When.   However, they all have a tendency to unlock the inner dinosaur in most of us and make us remember that we’ve been strolling around this earth for a long, long time.  Unfortunately, none of these lists makes any mention of what it takes to survive the rigors of life and actually arrive at an age when you can afford the luxury of nostalgia.  Nor do they offer a list of all those neat little goodies we all pick up along the way — the tricks of the trade, so to speak.  Things like white shirts attract spaghetti sauce and doctors are never on time.

It takes a lot to get old, and when you do, you need to stop every once in a while and congratulate yourself.  You finally made it, and now you’re old enough to know:

Puppies are a natural antidepressant

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.  Somebody, somewhere is going to have to pay for that Happy Meal™.  And if you eat it, chances are good it’ll be you.

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Lincoln was right.  You can fool some of the people all of the time.  The rest of it he just made up.

Integrity is what you do when nobody’s looking.

The meek may inherit the earth, but there’s always going to be at least one big, nasty bugger there who wants to contest the will.

There is justice in the world, but most people mistake it for fairness.  That’s why they get pissed off.

Nothing feels as good as warm on a cold day.

Everybody says they want the truth — until it actually shows up.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line — no matter how many times you think you found a shortcut.

The major difference between smart and wise is a couple of bad decisions.

Most people simply don’t have enough money to get rich quick.

We’re all in the same boat; some of us just have a different captain.

And finally:

Like Polonius’ adv ice to Laertes, most of the feel good/words of wisdom homilies are just crap.

What a Drag it is Getting Old … Not

Actually, I enjoy getting old, not because of the totally scary alternative but because it’s fun.  Old people get to do tons of neat stuff and get away with it.  It’s like being a child with porno and alcohol privileges.  First of all, you can bitch.  In fact, it’s almost expected.  When young people complain, there’s always some wiseacre who wants to talk about “changing the world” and “making a difference;” suddenly, the conversation goes from bad to boring.  However, when I complain, everybody just agrees with me and the conversation keeps on moving.  Nobody wants to provoke another old guy tirade.

You also get to wear comfortable clothes.  This is especially true for women who spend their formative years harnessed into those baby doll jeans that cut them in half.  At a certain age, both sexes can head for the uber-sized sweat (yoga) pants and nobody bats an eyeball.  Baggy shorts with polished dress shoes, evil colours, socks and sandals and those weird sweaters that old people never, ever button up — anything goes.  I’ve never tried it, but I’m sure you could go grocery shopping in your bathrobe if you wanted to.

Plus, and this is the coolest one, you’re never lazy.  You can spend all day eating cookies, drinking lattes and watching reruns of Bewitched on Netflix™ if you want, and nobody looks at you sideways.  If anybody under 30 tried that for very long, there’d be ki-yi-ing from here to Congress.  ‘Lazy bastard!  No wonder he hasn’t got a good job.”  But for people my age and older, it’s all about compassion, “Poor thing!  It must be hard for him now that he’s got nothing to do.”  Yeah, it’s tough.  Pass the Oreos™!”

And that’s the thing: when you start reaching into 60+, the rest of the world wants to drown you in sympathy.  It’s as if you magically caught an incurable disease.  Here’s a brilliant secret.  Leave a couple of Get Well Cards on the coffee table and you’ll never have to clean your house again.  Work it properly, and some of your younger relatives might even wash your dishes for you.  I’m not sure if this is true, but a friend of mine told me that once he left his lawnmower in the front yard to answer an important phone call, and before he could get back, the neighbours had made their kid finish cutting the lawn for him!  People open doors for you, you always get a seat on the bus and nobody complains when you’re late.  They’re probably just relieved that you made it at all, and they don’t have to go to the funeral.

Of course, like everything else in life, getting old has some downside, but trust me, it’s mostly minor.  For one thing, in casual conversation, you start sounding like your parents.  Making noises like your dad isn’t so bad until the stuff he said way back when begins to make sense to you: then you have to worry.

Another difficulty is contemporary music all sounds the same.  It’s like listening to Klingon.  Kanye West could be Kanye East, Snoop Dog (Lion?) is a jackass, and none of the women realize that breasts go on the inside of the dress.  So what?  There aren’t any ballads anymore, anyway and you can’t dance to the rest of it – so crack out the old CDs and carry on.

The only thing that actually is bothersome about being old is you keep getting outrun by technology.  This can be a serious problem, but if you remember that you’ve got the inside track on sympathy, you’ll be alright.  You’d be surprised how many people will make a special trip to reprogram your PVR for you, especially if you can pull a few tears.

The actual secret to getting old successfully is don’t take yourself too seriously.  Never forget that experience doesn’t always equal wisdom.  Even when it does, there’s no law that says you have to be wise every day.  Me?  I’m going to open another bag of Doritos™ and see what Darren and Samantha are up to this afternoon.