Tag: Politically Correct

The Perils Of Christmas

christmas

The War on Christmas is over, and only nitwits and sophomores are still proclaiming that “Happy Holidays” is the one true path to enlightenment.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is, unfortunately, even though it serves no purpose, the silliness surrounding the biggest celebration on the Christian calendar continues.  I guess there’s just something about “Peace on Earth” that brings out every disaffected dolt with a grudge and an Internet connection.  However, take heart!  Here are a few helpful hints to avoid the perils of a contemporary Christmas.

The Tree – There’s always somebody who’s going to point out that Christmas trees are actually pagan symbols and then literally bathe in the suggested religious hypocrisy.  The best retort is, “Yes, that’s true.  In fact, it was sexually repressed, anal retentive Puritans who banned Christmas trees for that very reason.”  (Pause – 1, 2, 3)  “By the way, which kind are you?”

The Songs – They’ve already banned “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” so can “don we now our gay apparel” and “folks dressed up like Eskimos” be far behind?  Even “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is under suspicion … bullying!  After all, when “all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names” Rudolph didn’t contact an authority figure (i.e. Santa Claus) to complain.  The best thing to do is stick to “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano.  It’ll drive you stark raving mad, but it ticks all the boxes.

Mistletoe – Not a good idea.

Office Parties – A grand tradition of good cheer and camaraderie that has fallen on hard times.  These days, nobody’s willing to chance waking up the morning after with a screaming hangover and a retroactive lawsuit.  So be it.  However, there’s no need to cancel this year’s festivities: simply segregate the party by gender — like they do in Muslim countries.

The Presents – Commercialism has always been the battle cry of those pompous asses who don’t understand Christmas in the first place.  However, this one is easy.  All you have to do is buy presents that nobody’s ever heard of.  Things like Fair Trade/handmade Ecuadorian shoelaces, or a Nigerian nose flute or a Community College course in roof thatching.  And what child wouldn’t be overjoyed to discover a bundle of organic asparagus in her stocking?

Santa Claus – This is a bad one.  Not only is Santa clearly running a sweatshop where a beleaguered minority (the elves) are forced to work long hours in less than ideal conditions, but there’s also the question of Mrs. Claus – a women so oppressed she doesn’t even have a first name!  Plus, there’s the bullying issue (covered in #2) the obesity issue, the trust issue, the judgemental issue and nobody really knows how big a carbon footprint flying reindeer leave.  This is a minefield, and the only way out of it is to tell your kids Santa Claus DOESN’T bring presents – Amazon does.  Problem solved.

But the very best way to avoid the perils of a contemporary Christmas is simply to keep Christmas in your own way and don’t sweat the mean- spirited morons who want to ruin it.

Why Young People Are Grouchy!

bored

After years of research, I’ve discovered why young people are grouchy all the time.  It’s pretty simple, really.  They’re bored out of their skulls.  The problem is, despite the entire 21st century lying at their feet like a cornucopia of earthly delights, they have so many politically correct rules of engagement that they’re scared to touch it.  Let me explain.

They can’t play games or even watch them.  There is a myth that young people like board games, but I think this is just spin (“lie” is such a hard word.)  Think about it!  Games are, by definition, competition, and when you have competition you have winners and – OMG – losers.  This is the Anti-Christ of the 21st century.  If an activity isn’t win/win, it just doesn’t happen.

They can’t watch television — except The Handmaid’s Tale.  The trigger warnings in Game of Thrones alone would fill an encyclopedia (that’s Google for old people.)  Even the blandest of the bland, the antique sitcom, Friends — a program so inoffensive it can’t even be called vanilla (that suggests way too much flavour) is a minefield of politically incorrect thought.  Nope, TV is out!

They can’t go to the zoo.  Animals in captivity?  That’s just crazy talk.

They can’t go to a museum.  If the single statue of some dead guy is offensive, a whole building full of history could cause apoplectic shock.

They can’t read books published before 1980.  In a time when To Kill a Mockingbird has been censored, Huck Finn rewritten and Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Screw banned, we’re not many days away from politically correct mobs ransacking libraries and burning the books in the streets.  Sad as it may seem, Fahrenheit 451 isn’t fiction anymore; it’s a training manual.  So reading is a no-no!

They can’t go to the movies.  Here is an industry that has, on several occasions, confessed that it is a whitewashing, cultural appropriating, racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, anti-Latino, anti-Asian, anti-Muslim monopoly, controlled by misogynistic old white men.  What’s left?  Michael Moore’s “Ain’t It Awful?” documentaries — and even the politically correct are fed up with that guy.

They can’t dine out unless the restaurant grows its own organic food in a hydroponic biosphere in the back garden.  Even quinoa and avocados, the meat and potatoes of contemporary life, are suspect.  The carbon footprint that brings ancient grains and Aztec fruit to the modern table is just too deep to be tolerated.

And, of course, the super biggie:

They can’t flirt.  Don’t even go there!

And that, boys and girls, is why young people are so 24/7 bitchy!

Trending Now — AquaNots

waterThe question is, just who are these so-called AquaNots?  Apparently, AquaNots (media name: not mine) are people who refuse to use water in any form.  They believe that human consumption of water is not only killing our planet’s fish habitat, but, if left unchecked, will eventually destroy the Earth’s entire ecosystem.  Sounds legit.  However, based on the information I can find (which isn’t a lot) their practices including not washing their clothes, their dishes, their hair or themselves, not using flush toilets (according to their information sheet, American toilets alone consume 23 billion litres of water every day) not cooking with water, not using water-based products and, in some radical cases, not even drinking water.  Wow!  It sounds  pretty harsh to me, but before we rush to pass judgement, let’s see what the AquaNots have to say for themselves.

“We totally reject the accusation that we are extremist.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Our planet is in crisis, and if people are too stupid to understand that this is the only solution, then they need to be re-educated.

“We want to effect lifestyle change.  We need to end our dependency on the hydro-industrial complex.  Do you know the flush toilet is less than 200 years old?  Obviously, for the vast majority of human existence, people merely squatted in the woods.  We need to bring that natural experience into the 21st century and the urban environment.

“Fashions change so quickly these days it doesn’t make any sense to actually wash your clothes.  We just give our dirty ones to poor people and buy the newest, latest look.  This way, we’re always in style.”

“Eight glasses a day?  I’m laughin’.  People in desert countries don’t drink eight glasses of water a day.  They don’t have any water at all, and they’re always runnin’ around fightin’ and blowin’ shit up.  I seen them on TV all the time, and I’ve never seen them drinkin’ water.”

“It’s all about raising awareness.  An international Aquagarchy controls most of the world’s water, and their corporate profits are fueled by constant in-your-face advertising.  Look around!  Soap, soup, shampoo, tea, coffee, wine, organic gardening, outdoor recreation — I could go on and on — and their subliminal message is always “Use water.”

“Washing dishes is no problem for us.  Normally, we eat fast food and simply throw the wrappers away.  Of course, in the summer, we barbeque a lot and use paper plates.”

“We are definitely tolerant of other points of view, but we refuse to allow flushers and bathers to spread disingenuous information.  They clearly hate our planet and we must stand, as a group, to stop this kind of hate speech.

“We are a growing grassroots organization.  Yes, right now, our membership is mostly from private schools and universities, but we have followers –of all ages — on four continents, and we’re reaching out to get our message to people of less privileged economic backgrounds.”

“Our community has always faced discrimination.  Many of our followers have lost their jobs because of coworkers’ complaints about personal hygiene. We are all working very hard for the day when Mother Nature’s perfume will be accepted in the workplace.”

There you have it.  Make up your own mind.

* Disclaimer
It’s a sad commentary on our times that I have to even write this, but … so be it.
This is a satire.  It is meant to lampoon how genuinely good ideas get hijacked by idiots.  The AquaNots do not exist, and any relationship between them and any real activist group is purely coincidental.